Feeling so alone and like the worst mum in the world

[Camzarella]

Hello. I hope this is a safe space to share my feelings as I'm close to rock bottom 😔

I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child (rainbow baby) and have a very energetic, 33 month old son who is waring me down and heavily impacting my mental health. He often throws tantrums, is very demanding and is difficult to manage. He's also a lovely boy who gives the best kisses and cuddles and everyone adores him. His behaviour at nursery and when babysat by grandparents is lovely. His nursery report this week said he's quiet and pleasant. But at home he is such a handful. Not helped by the fact that we live in a 2 bed flat with no outdoor space and he runs everywhere, leaving a trail of destruction.

My husband is a great dad, very hands on and helpful, however my son is extremely clingy. I think the pregnancy has made this more intense. So he throws massive meltdowns now if his dad tries to take him for a walk for fresh air and to give me a break.

Generally, I shy away from taking him on many outings. To me, he seems more immature thatln other 2 year olds and usually kicks off in public or runs away from where we should be, making the experience stressful and challenging. He's also very tall for his age so when he goes down on the ground, he's extremely difficult to pick up. I feel irrationally jealous of friends and others I know who seems to be able do conventional things with their kids of similar age such as feeding ducks, visiting museums, going strawberry picking etc. My son would undoubtedly make any excursion a challenge.

My pregnancy is high risk (gestational diabetes and other issues) meaning I need to rest more and try to stress less. However, I find I spend most of my weekend telling my son off or asking him to get down, put it back, or stop. It's exhausting.

My parents are super helpful but are in their mid 70s and ailing so are limited in the support they can give.

Im so so so unhappy and sometimes wish I could disappear. I love my son more than anything in the world but I often question if life should be this way.

Please no judgement, but welcome any tips/ perspective from fellow parents.

So much to think about in your post.

Small steps!

One idea when your DH takes him out, can you go too but start to sit away…and further away each time. Gives your DS the security that you are there whilst you take small steps to not be!

This doesn't sound right lovely, I think it would be worth going to the GP. He sounds like a very normal little boy, I would wonder what is affecting your mood.

This is a difficult time for you with an active child and a pregnancy. Your son is going through the terrible twos and his tantrums are normal. I used to try to take mine out for a good run round as this gets rid of some energy.
He would be more willing to sit with me and read a book if he was a bit tired himself.
All I can say is this will pass. It will be hard for you while your children are small but he will be off to school before you can turn round. Get as much help as possible over the next months.

I was near rock bottom on my second pregnancy with high spirited, high energy toddler. I don’t know if it helps to hear this but for me, it got much easier once I’d given birth. I had energy again, I could catch and lift the little fecker! It’s much, much easier to be an effective toddler parent when you’re not pregnant!

Give yourself lots of grace right now. It is every bit as hard as it feels. Don’t compare yourself to other mums, especially ones with easier dc, or ones who aren’t pregnant. Just do you - and go at the pace you need to go at.

I felt so guilty about not being able to go to the park (I had pelvic girdle pain and couldn’t walk far) but ds survived fine! Looking back I think I had ante natal depression throughout both my pregnancies - no one seemed to look for anything but post natal depression in those days but mine lifted as soon as I gave birth. Hormones do funny things to us. It could be worth a chat with your gp/consultant/midwife as they’re a bit more clued in now on the range of hormonal mood disorders.

Pregnancy with a toddler is so hard. I have a 2y8m old and a 2mo. It’s a slog to be feeling tired, poorly, weaker, fatigued and also have a power hungry tyrant toddler to negotiate with as well 😮‍💨

I found this bit more tiring than having the baby.

The things that helped: going out for pointless walks, learning new ways of communicating with the toddler (lots of internet scrolling!) like whispering instead of shouting, making sure I have their attention before asking anything, reducing demands; Eating whatever I needed to eat; moaning to people who understand; knowing this will pass; giving myself grace to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes people are quick to say there might be something wrong with you, but I’m more inclined to believe your emotional response is proportionate to the challenge you’re in!

Is he bored from not going out? When he has a tantrum can you put him somewhere safe (like his room) and leave him to it so you don't have to listen to the entire thing

Thank you for the suggestion. One for us to try out for sure! He'll need his daddy once the new baby arrives and mum is even more exhausted!

Thank you for your kind words. It's helpful to get it out and hear from others who have been through the same. Means a lot so thank you xx

Wow that's really insightful. Thank you so much for being so candid and sharing your personal experiences. I'm under consultant care now and constantly back and forth to the maternity day unit. Will speak to the midwife tomorrow about how I'm feeling and get more sessions in with my therapist. Thank you xx

This is a hard stage OP. I found being pregnant and with an active toddler harder than toddler and newborn! Hang in there. Your DS sounds normal to me.

Unfortunately the clingyness means he follows me everywhere, especially mid tantrum and our flat is quite small. I definitely go to the bathroom and leave him with his dad when I can. Will continue to persevere!

I’ve been here. I was pregnant just before my now five year old turned 3. I remember one day I couldn’t get him in the car for the school run(for my older child) and so I burst into tears and literally threw him into the back of the car. I was so ashamed I’d driven the five minute journey without him strapped in. He’s now at school and has a cracking personality but my goodness it was HARD when he was 2 and I was pregnant. It WILL get easier but right now you need to survive. Stick him on the floor with playdoh or crayons. Ask your partner to carry him out to the park or a field. Do you have any National trusts near by? They’re good for getting exercise and fresh air. The break will do you good. And while they’re out sit and watch tv and eat junk. Just ride it out; you’re almost there!

Agree that heavily pregnant plus toddler is much harder than newborn plus toddler! My second is 6 weeks now and I feel like I've got my eldest back now I can properly play with him, cuddle and pick him up. It was such a struggle at the end of pregnancy because I couldn't risk taking him to the park or soft play etc because I couldn't physically help him on equipment or chase him if he decided to do a runner as 2 year olds are prone to do...

You're not a bad mum, you're a mum in a tricky phase of life (being pregnant with existing kids). But it's a short phase in their lives and they won't remember it. I was worried it would affect my son's bond to me (he was the opposite and started rejecting me for dad) but now I'm able to be normal with him again it's all coming back no problem.