Friend pressuring my kids

[Polarbearsoo]

Hello, I need some help and advice on how to handle a tricky situation.

My friend has a son who is Autistic, my DD is also Autistic, similar traits but also very difficult.

Friends son has friends and is more socially confident than my DD.
DD is very shy, is almost non verbal at school, doesn't have many close friends and is prone to shutdowns when put in a difficult situation.

Both children go to a classroom that is specially for children with SEN and those who struggle.

Friend has spoke to me about how it's not fair on her son that my DD doesn't talk to him when he tries to speak to her, there's nothing I can do as she doesn't talk to anyone, she wanted me to have a word and get DD to talk to him as he doesn't have anyone to talk too in this classroom. He tries every lunch and she doesn't want too. She's told me he's not funny and just wants to eat her lunch.

Her brother is starting this September and both are overjoyed they get to spend lunch together.
Friend has mentioned how wonderful it will be for her son to have someone to talk too.

I'm not sure how to handle this as I can almost guess what will happen in September, there's a big gap in ages between my son and friends son, he also doesn't know him that well.

I know I'll get a phone call complaining that my son and DD aren't talking to her son and I need to do something about it because it's not fair on him.

There's been a few other things and it seems the focus is always on what's best for her son without taking into consideration anyone else's children.

How do I handle this?

*very different, not difficult.

I think your friend needs to bring this up with the class teacher. The problem is that her son would like more social interaction and they can put in place strategies to help with this. It is not (as you know) up to your daughter to provide what he lacks.

Maybe all 3 will get on and chat?

You could also approach the class teacher and perhaps come up with something polite that your daughter can say when she does not wish to chat. Perhaps ‘I need some quiet time at the moment’ so that he can learn when to leave her alone.

It’s not fair to put the responsibility of humouring her kids on your kids -

be really clear that you can’t control what they do in the school environment, that you won’t push them to communicate more than they feel able to, that asking them to would be stressful for your DD and they need to find their ways of managing in school including relationships

I would ask the other parent to stop but there is not no saying your 2 children will interact at school as they would have their own friends?

It is not up to your child to be a friend service

I'd use her words back to her. It's not fair your daughter won't speak to my son = it's not fair that your son is talking to my daughter when she doesn't want him to. My son has no one to talk to = my daughter hates when people talk to her.
My son is stressed because he needs more social interaction = my daughter is stressed because she needs less social interaction

They might all sit and chat which would be nice but I doubt it as my DD struggles in social situations, they don't have much in common and don't find the same things funny but you never know.

I think that's exactly how it feels, it feels like my children are there for sons entertainment.
Son is very nervous about starting school and I don't think he will his happy chappy self in the first few weeks and will gravitate towards his sister at social time, they are best friends and get on like a house on fire.

DD knows that her brother might want to spend lunch with his friends as time goes on which she's fine about. She's happy to to eat her lunch, draw or she reads a book. She's not a talker at school.

Mudflaps that is genius. Thank you.

I don't get involved with things like this usually, I think it's because of past experiences I can see what might happen.

"He tries every lunch and she doesn't want too. She's told me he's not funny and just wants to eat her lunch."

This sounds really unpleasant. I would be asking the teacher to make sure that this boy is not harassing your daughter every day. It is very bad to plant the expectation that she should have to put up with unwanted attention from male people.

How good a friend is she and do you want to preserve this relationship? If you're not to bothered then firmly tell her your daughter is not her son's support animal.

"He tries every lunch and she doesn't want too. She's told me he's not funny and just wants to eat her lunch."

I agree, I thought he might get the message but it doesn't seem so, I don't think he chews her ear off all lunch but might attempt conversation and she blanks him.
If it carries on I might 'get in there first' with how much it's making her uncomfortable, which it is.
Friend talks about it as it's a sweet thing he's doing, trying to get her to talk but DD just sees it as annoying.

She's a lovely person, she really is but gets rather blindsided over her son in situations like this.

I'm definitely prepared to stand my ground and back up my DD over this if it carries on.

Just say “They’re in highschool now, I don’t get involved”. Any time you get a message like that, repeat “I don’t get involved, sorry”.

I learned this off another school mum.

Then you can be less confrontational and say something breezy like " I know, it's such a shame that their needs are so conflicting and that they need different things.Hopefully your DS will make some new friends soon and get the socialisation he needs at lunch.". Without backing down , or apologising for your DD's needs.

That's a good one.
Thank you everyone for the help.