Lessons I have learned as a mother

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Not a "preachy" post, but at 51 with 6 kids, I hope this helps. It comes off the back of a conversation today and reading some posts on MN.

• The first, on the back of the "DD's bikini" thread.....if your teen wants to wear something you think is inappropriate, buy the same or similar thing. Enthuse about it, show yourself off in it. Then you are SOOOOOOO embarassing, and said item will never be seen again.
• Non sleeping toddlers "He needs me to sleep with him". No he doesnt. Its just that its habit you have both fallen into. I did it with DC2 and she was three when I hit my limit. I left her shouting and screaming because I was utterly exhausted, and sat at the top of the stairs and cried. She went to sleep after half an hour or so. Second night, with me determined, it was about the same. Third night, straight to sleep. (Dont bother with the "but what about additional needs" thing, that goes without saying, obviously I am talking about NT toddlers. My eldest has cerebal palsy and was still easier than her at that stage!)
• Sometimes the easiest option is actually the best. You may feel that you are so strung out with work and kids that the idea of coming in, cooking a meal, getting them to bed etc is just too much. Air fryers and mircowaves are there for a reason! Nuke the spuds, air fry the sausages, nuke the beans, job done. Or fuck it, and hit the chippy. The phrase "all in bed, no one dead" is popular because its a good idea to live by! Dont be guilted into feeling that you should be providing hand plucked free range chicken, with the Massive Salad naturally, when what you really want to do is park you all in front of the TV with a delivery pizza. What will make you all happier?! Tomorrow will be fine, but today? Order the sodding pizza.
• Shouting at a child who is being a PITA is not abuse and not something you should feel guilty about or apologise for. They need to learn that they cannot just keep pushing. Especially teens who will cheerfully shout and call you all sorts of names, but when you do the same back, accuse you of emotional abuse. Fuck that shit. Shout back. Hold the line.
• Add to the above, telling the truth to kids who are being utter arseholes (mainly teens) is something you should actively do. "James, you are being disprespectful and frankly a total dickhead that I dont want to talk to. You are not a person anyone in this house wants to be around right now. You should think about why". James wont listen in the moment, but he will remember it.
• For every ten teachers who dont have favourites, there will be one that will and will show it.
• The PTA MOM who takes ownership of everything and is "THAT" mother on the whatsapp.....yep her kid will be the first in everything. Dont fight it, just teach your kids that morals, kindness, honesty and friendship are worth more than pieces of paper that say "STAR OF THE WEEK!!!". Her kid will also be the one that either a) doesnt make it to Uni because no one did the work for her or b) did make it but drops out when she fails her first year.
• Bullies will bully, You cant stop them but you can teach your kids that you believe them and will protect them as much as you can. Some schools are better but most will say "Oh just stay away from him/her". So while they are in the throws of dealing with a bully, listen, love and be supportive. There is little else you can do in schools that dont deal with it, but at least your child will know that youa re there for them and have their back.
• Lastly, for the moment, you are doing brilliantly! You will feel, many many many times, that you are not doing enough. That you are not giving them everything that SM or TV or whatever is telling you that they need. But you are. You love them, you care for them. So you make short cuts, who the hell cares?!

YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!!

Mumsnet has taught me that regardless of the subject - the parents concerned enough to post about an issue, the parents who care enough to respond, are not generally bad parents regardless of differing opinions.

Parents who blithely “love their kids” and never second guess themselves, most likely are bad parents though.

Thank you for your response, but I am not sure what you mean.

I agree that if there is a parent who is worried about whether they did something right to the point of asking strangers, then they probably did do it right.

That’s exactly what I meant - people are always going to have differing options, but I think caring enough to ask for advice (or share it) denotes a particular level of care.

I know people who are so confident in their choices that they’d never think to ask a wider audience, and their choices are not great. Their confidence is misguided.

Thanks for this. I needed to read the one about non sleeping toddlers, with a two year old lying on me having only just fallen asleep at midnight.

You’ve got this, as touched out as you might feel, you really have!

Do you think that he/she would be more comfy and sleep better in their bed? Do that then. Its better for both of you in the long run.

Take care and look after you.

That it can be really hard and to take all the help you can get (remember to pay it forward too when you can)

I agree with this. My own mother was a terrible mother but never seemed to question herself in any way. She always thought she was right. Never admits any fault or anything she could have done better. Bad parents don’t question themselves.

Thanks.
Ppl expect you to be a brilliant mother, handle it all, never take shortcuts and stand by to watch or worse judge, if things don't go to plan.
I asked hubby to put 5yr to bed, and he dragged his feet in at 830 after work. At 9 I put her to bed myself, he needed the loo, besides he was procrastinating.
Then 2yr old ( who had a long, late nap) crept in wanting sleep too, 11pm still putting 2yr to bed. Totally fed up and flabbergasted at hubby who could, should have taken over (the kids and I have covid, and I'm 8 months preg) oh but he is still working...
Least your post says, it's OK. I'll have days like this. Rather then ppl arguing and accusing me of bad parenting.

So thanks again. Needed that

And as @SemperIdem rightly pointed out, good parents do it all the time.

I had a mother like yours, which is why it took me so long to realise that kindness and love can live alongside rules and discipline. It isnt one or the other, as kids need both. I was brought not knowing kindness and love. But my mother was sure she was right. She has atleast admitted now that she may have been wrong.

Anyway, hope this helps if you are in the early days and struggling. I remember it well and wish someone had told me that time with them is more important than 100% nurtitious home cooked meals every day or going to toddler singalong. Sometimes its better to sit at home, with them on your knee with a plate of chicken nuggets watching Peppa. Or learing how to play Minecraft with a pizza to share!

You are not parenting badly AT ALL.

But you husband is. In fact he simply isnt parenting. I should add to my list

Its ok to leave a man who leaves everything to you. It wont stop you doing everything for the kids, but it will stop you doing everything for the kids AND for him. You will lose one dependent. I bet if you had a race about who could work out how to use the washing machine first, he would be stone dead last.

Tell your husband from me that he is an utterly useless lazy arsehole and that no, going to work doesnt remove his parenting responsibilities. I work, I care for my parents AND I am a single mother. I pay all the bills alone. Tell lazyarse to up his game or fuck off.

Totally agree with all this

I'll add: you get the kid you get. You can't choose. You get that kid. And you have to deal with it, as best you can

You are not responsible for your child's relationship with others. You cannot nurture or control it. As long as the person isn't being dangerous, let them build a bond without interferance.

And if the person chooses not to build a bond, that's on them. Not you.

I will add re bullying, that it's okay to go against the school and tell your kids to hit back if you think that's the right course of action. Never be the one to hit first but if they are hit, it's okay to defend yourself. Schools will go off alarming about this but they are often incapable of dealing effectively with it themselves. So my advice is that you don't always have to go with the schools' line on particular issues, if you think it's not in the best interest of your child.