So, so undecided on a second child

[Ginspirational]

DH and I are both early 30’s with a (just turned) 2 year old DD. We really struggled through the first year, I had awful PND and she had allergies and reflux which meant she was very upset a lot of the time. Now she’s so much easier and such a sunny, lovely little girl. We were adamant we were one and done but now we’re both swaying.

We have a lovely life, but maybe something just feels missing. DD would make a brilliant big sister, she adores her baby cousins (though I know a sibling is usually very different!). If we did try for another, it would leave us with about a 4 year age gap.

If you experienced the same fear of the second time round, why did you decide to do it in the end? I know it could all go so differently, and probably would anyway as 2nd children just come along for the ride, less first time anxiety, but I don’t know. We are both really torn.

Following as we’ve sworn we’re 1 and done but as he gets older and more delightful by the day I do wonder…

Just for clarification, why a 4 year age gap? Conceivably if you were to get pregnant now, that would leave a 2/3 year age gap?

We wouldn’t try for another year or so as we’d rather she was nearing school, and definitely aren’t set enough to start trying in the immediate future. We said we would make a decision by her 3rd birthday.

I don't think that "undecided" is the position at which to have another child?

Exchange child for a dog in your question and everyone would advise against in the Pet Talk.

I was "undecided" and I'm very glad I settled for one after all, but that also tints the lense I'm looking through.
Others, who clearly love parenting much more than I do, will tell you otherwise.

I'm not sure there is a clear-cut answer!

Yes I think that’s where I’m struggling @QueenCamilla I want to be 100% in like we were for DD, but now we know how bloody hard it is/was.. but on the other hand, she feels so worth it all now.

I really think I could go around in circles for days. A lot of this is because she’s recently had two newborn cousins and she’s so lovely with them, maybe I’m just broody. 😂

We were SO sure we were one and done that these new feelings are just so confusing.

Long term it means she will (likely) have a supportive sibling relationship in later life to help out.

Short ish term, sibling bond, watching them play and grow is brilliant. I'd say go sooner rather than later so they can play together, the bigger the gap, the harder from that pov.

Having a life long play mate is brilliant. They entertain each other so much, meaning I get more chill time!

There's the newborn slog but worth it for their relationship now.

I can't stress enough the need for an under 3 year age gap if you want the play benefits though!

Ah ok that makes sense!

The best advice I was given was to imagine my life in 30 years time, where I want to be and who do I see sat around the family table. It sounds like a cliche but it can often help to frame things and gain some perspective.

It's tricky - until I had my own children, I never felt maternal and always thought this meant I didn't want children. But this wasn't the case. Now I have them I can't imagine my life without them.

It's a very personal decision and there is no right/wrong!

Nah this isn’t true, there’s 4 years between my daughters and my eldest loves playing with her little sister. Less than 2 years between my son and eldest daughter and they fight like cat and dog lol

Fair.

In my friendship group, any gap 4 or more years hasn't worked well. Goes to show we're all different.

Do not have another because she is lovely with her cousins, or she’d make a good big sister or to give her a playmate or a lifelong pal. Not all siblings get on, even with small age gaps. Have a second child because you both want a second, whether they get on or not.

There are loads of reasons to not have a second (the same as not having any but you know how hard it can be and how much they cost now). I would think carefully if you could manage two if you were to find yourself a single parent. Can you also manage two if one is later diagnosed with additional needs? If you want a baby, those things will still be there but the want will outweigh the reasons not to. That’s when you should try for another. If the want isn’t there, overwhelming drowning out the excuses not to have a second, then there’s your answer.

I'm pregnant with my 2nd. I ummed and ahh-ed about it because we have such a lovely life now our little one is 2, things have settled down and we're happy, but I think for me I am 40 so I felt some time pressure and I love having siblings so decided to just go for it.

I didn't think I wanted children but I absolutely love being a mum so now I do question my reservations! I think I massively overthink things and sometimes just need to jump into the decision. I could've just thought and thought about it but not made any decision. Also felt that I probably would regret it if I didn't at least try for a 2nd. I'm sure there will be some difficulties with 2, just as there would be different difficulties with only having one. That's kind of how I came to the decision - Sorry for the ramble!

Thank you for your replies. We are going to take a year to really think it through rather than making any rash decision. I do think if we hadn’t such a rough time of it the first time round, we’d both want a second, but those memories are fast fading.

Our first baby was hard work (and still is 🙈), would only sleep on me, clusterfed constantly etc. second baby was a breeze in comparison, slept through the night from a few weeks, generally just a really chill baby. But it could go either way, you don’t what you’re going to get. Could you cope with another high needs baby with the child you already have?

I think that’s where I’m getting stuck. Would a second high needs baby be worse, because of the additional toddler or would it not feel so all encompassing because I couldn’t spend every second googling/obsessing/pacing my living room. I feel like if we had another like our first, I could cope because I know there’s an end in sight and it gets SO much better.

I just wanted to say, my ds1 is aged 5.5 and my ds2 is 3 months and yes very early days but my eldest is an absolute dream with his brother, he loves him more and me and his daddy!

I know lots of people who have over a 4 year gap and have great relationships with their siblings. I think it's personalities rather than ages!

Our first baby was like you describe your daughter, along with a few other major health issues at the time and I experienced PND so I can relate to where you're at. We had a second baby as I wanted the chance to enjoy that first year of baby properly and I knew in my heart that I wanted another. Partly to give my child a sibling and partly because it felt right. We have a 2 year gap and although it is hard work sometimes I would do the same thing a thousand times over. I love that we are a family of 4 and now that both children are into their teens I love it even more. I would caution against waiting til eldest starts school as I wouldn't want them to feel replaced by a baby but that's my own experience as a sibling myself.

Yes, I had ups-down too, but now in my late 30s and DS old enough that I can feel child free if I so fancy... I'm glad I don't have any small people on my hands! My ExH has no regrets at being father of one either and fully intends to keep that status.

It's probably good to give it a wait if you're undecided and see how you feel after a couple more years of parenting. The desire to go back to baby years will either intensify or progressively fade.

I had severe pnd with my first and she also had bad reflux. She's now 3 and the brightest, happiest little girl. We've also now got DS, 8 months. We always knew we wanted 2 but I did worry about how my mental health would be with a second and if that would affect DD and if the second had reflux. I did get pnd with my second but only mildly and no reflux for him. It's not been easy having 2 littles but seeing the relationship between the 2 of them is incredible. She's always looking out for him and comforting him if he's upset and the smiles he has for her just melt my heart. But like I say in the back of my head I always knew I wanted 2. On the flip side I'm an only child and absolutely loved it. I never wanted any siblings and was perfectly content as I was.

I was the same as you so we just waited and then suddenly I wanted another. After years of saying it would never happen 😂. We had a 5.5 year age gap and it's been amazing. I actually love the age gap as I am able to give them both so much time.

I was where you are. Terrible PND and I swore blind I was one and done I was so completely sure. I also had crippling anxiety until she was four. Then I couldn't shake the niggly feelings and became a bit obsessed about the fact she was an only child and felt I had to overcompensate in so many ways. Realised when she was playing with a friend I could actually do something, knew long term I wanted a bigger family if I could get over my fear surrounding my mental health.

Pregnant again now - it will be a six year gap. It feels right at the moment but it took me a long time to get here I was terrified trying. The thing I'm holding onto is that I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I wasn't at peace with one. Two will be harder at the starter but I will have more inner peace as long as my Mh holds up.

Wait until you feel ready, if at all. We ended up with a 5 year gap as I simply just wasn't ready or even sure I would ever do it again. Dd2 is honestly the light of all of our lives and she plays beautifully with her big sister. It's right for us. Do what's right for you.

Thank you so much, especially to those who also experienced PND. I think someone summed it up - that first year feels lost now, looking back it is just a dark period of time that I can’t get back (heartbreakingly), and it would be so lovely to experience it again, but really experience it with the knowledge I have now.

Similar predicament here except our DD is almost 5. I think I'd only have another out of guilt for not giving her a sibling and her potentially feeling lonely, and the sadness of her seemingly growing bigger every day and knowing that one day she won't be as cute and cuddly as she is now.

It's all the wrong reasons to have another, I know, but I'm still trapped with the guilt.