Scared to have another child

[Boa33]

This is my first post so please bear with me. I'm hoping others may have had similar worries and be able to reassure me.
We have one DS 3.5 years old. I have always pictured having 2 children and we would probably be in the position to start TTC again in the next few months or so.

I am under no illusion that it will be hard adding another child, going back to the baby stage and all that involves. Our son is wonderful but the baby stage was very difficult. Althought that's not so much where my fears lie.

I'm irrationally scared about the unknown of having another child - mainly will they be healthy and will I remain healthy after pregnancy and child birth. I know, statistically the likelihood of anything happening are low but I'm still absolutely terrified of something happening during pregnancy or birth that leaves me with life long problems or worst case dead and my husband and son with no wife or mother. Likewise if our second child was to have complications or a condition needing life long care - obviously they would be loved as any child but our lives as we know would be changed potentially significantly.

I know how extreme this sounds and obviously we have no idea what life has in store anyway but I can't help these thoughts that come into my head and I'm so scared that we would forever be regretful (I really do know how horrible that sounds) of going ahead and not just being content with one and done. Just to clarify, we would both really like to add a second child to our family. My husband also shares these fears, if not so more than me. I had a very traumatic birth which he had to witness and I feel like this is part of the root cause of these worries.

If anyone has any words or wisdom or reassurance or experience, I would be really grateful.

Sounds like anxiety to me which I have too, let me give you some facts;
Dc1 - induction of labour 2nd degree tear. Dc2- multiple blood clots in my lungs after birth, could have died, MAJOR anxiety after this, swore I'd never have a baby again. Ended up pregnant again, of course feared the worst, had to be on medication etc.
DC3- The easiest pregnancy and birth out of them all! It just goes to show, fears are in our heads, yes sometimes called for but better to live your life the way you want then give into fears :)

@Boa33 I share the exact same fears for you. Always imagined having two but just dont want to rock the boat...so many what ifs. The worry is too strong that we will just have to be one and done. If my fears came true I would like the rest of my days saying "I KNEW we shouldnt have pushed it" Gutted and feel really guilty on DS for not giving him a sib. Both me and DH are close with sibs so its really a guilt we feel.

Don’t feel guilty, a second child is not a gift to give your existing child, there are both benefits and downsides to having a sibling.

I am happily one and done but sounds like you want a second so maybe worth getting some counselling to explore your fears?

Have you had a debrief about your birth? Sounds like that maybe a good starting point.

Thanks for replying. It's definitely an anxiety we have. I'm really happy everything worked out OK for you in the end :) it's definitely the mind frame I try to have and logically makes more sense but easier said than done I know.

I haven't actually had a debrief to be fair. I did request all of my hospital notes a few months after and read through all of those which helped a little but I've just never got round to contacting them. I'd already decided on an elective c section if we were to have another - I know it's not without it's own risks of course but somehow makes me feel slightly more in control of the situation.

Thanks. Yes this is the exact worries we have, fear of the unknown and what ifs.

I felt the same. I felt I couldn't take the risk of having a second child. No answers from me because I stuck with one. For me, it was that I wasn't desperate to have a second, so I knew I'd beat myself up for the rest of my life if things went wrong, especially if they negatively impacted DD. If I'd been desperate for a second I would have taken the risk and gone for it.

I had some of those fears especially as I was older. I had the early blood test for chromosomal disorders privately as I wanted to know with more certainty than the normal combined test I would have got on the NHS. The pregnancy was harder, I had SPD and iron difficiency but no lasting issues and I had less complications during childbirth than the first time. She was an easier baby too.

I think you need to to look at the probability of anything going wrong which depending on your age is probably quite low and balance this with your desire to have another child and for your child to have a sibling.

Would anyone on this thread who is scared of complications with. New baby/ childbirth consider adoption?

Thanks for the reply. I think that's the tricky thing. I've never been massively maternal before kids and was never one to desperately want kids over all else if you know what I mean. Obviously the decision to have our DS was very much wanted between both of us and it goes without saying that he is the light of our life and I feel like I'm a pretty good mum and would get the same joy from motherhood to another child. The desire to have another is there but it's not always a burning desire over everything else. So I suppose if something was to happen that would be even harder.
I don't know, I know I'm overthinking it all but thank you everyone for all your experiences.

Funnily enough, me and my husband have discussed this also.

@Boa33 would be an incredible thing to do although I appreciate not without its risks but you take away the health ones

I'm the same. Re married and have a nearly 7 Yr old from 1st marriage. He was prem due to placental abruption. My husband is happy either way but at 38 with my history I don't think I can bear to risk it. If any new child had issues I wouldn't cope and would be worried about the impact on my 1st.
Dh is an only child and never had any issues with this.

Things can go wrong though. Look up Erbs palsy (brachial plexus injury ) you can prepare against this by knowing how to advocate for yourself during the birth

It's not extreme at all. In fact it's very practical and realistic. Most women go into it blind sighted. I would start by getting into the best routine you can with your son and have a creche and/or babysitter lined up. Next, you could have a chat with a doctor about the likehood of having a traumatic birth again and also get a health check and your bloods done. With that done and if you're feeling not too under par, I don't see any reason why ye couldn't have another baby if ye both want one!! :)

I have three children, conceived easily, straight forward births. I never consider any issues. My third is autistic our lives have changed drastically. It's massively impacted on my older two. My son will need life long care. I sometimes thing what ifs but you can't do that. Life is what it is you just have to make the best of what you have.

My cousin had a traumatic birth and baby had to be resuscitated and stayed on icu. (Baby is fine now) She then sadly miscarried at 14 weeks. It took a few years to feel comfortable having another baby but when she got pregnant again she totally took control. She chose the hospital, opted for an elective c section and had a fantastic pregnancy and birth. They also did the debrief from previous birth and found it helpful

We were scared to have another baby. I had mild hyperemesis during my first and third trimesters. I developed severe treatment resistant depression and psychosis and had a 10 weeks admission in a mother and baby unit and my daughter had severe silent reflux and 20 food allergies where she reacted to the foods I was eating and ended up a restricted diet. She was 17 weeks when these were adequately treated and diagnosed and prior to this she cried for 16-20 hours a day. All in all the pregnancy and first 18 months were truly awful.

When she was 2 I couldn't imagine ever being in a position to do it again but when she was 3 we started discussing it. It 8 months to change my medication to ones that it is safe to conceive on and during that time I had some counselling with my HV. My partner was WFH for one of the sessions and we spoke about how hard it was and the fears of it happening again.

We have come with time to see that even if we were in the same situation with a second we aren't the same and hopefully there would be more help and support before reaching the crisis points we reached with my daughter.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant, remembering how much I hate being pregnant with hyperemesis again but cautiously optimistic about the future.

There was a woman's hour episode on birth trauma (14th may) and I think they said that 54% of women who had had a traumatic birth were put off trying for a second. It was an interesting listen if you are in a safe place to hear the stories of others x

Thanks everyone for your messages and experiences, some really useful advice and food for thought in there.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you had such a tough time with your first, I can imagine that must have been so difficult. Thanks for sharing and the podcast suggestion, I'll definitely have a look at that too.

Anxiety is shite isn't it

That's one of my issues. If 2nd child had a disability I'd feel bad for the child and bad for my existing child! Also we wouldn't cope.

@Boa33 what did you decide? Am in the same boat and came across this thread.

I don’t have any advice except that I could have written this post! My anxiety was terrible about a second pregnancy and all the things that could go wrong and how it would impact DD1 and our family. I just took whatever additional option I could during my pregnancy to try to alleviate my fears; the screening blood test, additional scan, etc and I’m now on the other side with a healthy DD2 (4 months).

I feel for you so much OP, the anxiety could be breathtaking sometimes. It may not be the case for everyone, but for me it was definitely worth the risk and worry, I’m so besotted with DD2.

Good luck with whatever you decide - there’s no right answer, just whatever is best for you/your family!