Toddler hitting baby

[acupofteamakeseverythingbetter]

Please help. I have a 4 week old newborn and a 2.2year old DS. Since baby has arrived my son's behaviour has been difficult. He's started hitting both me and baby. Where possible I try to avoid having him getting too close to the baby and move myself away from him which I hate having to do but I need to keep the baby safe.

I'm not sure if he's hitting out of frustration, impulse, jealousy or a combination of all three.

When he hits me it seems to be from being tired, frustrated and wanting attention. When he hits baby he's all smiles and says hi baby then all of a sudden hits. He does this when I'm right there and also even when I'm not in the room (caught him on the baby monitor leaning in to the cot and hitting baby)

I've tried telling him off and putting him in the naughty step. I've tried calmly saying no hitting and leaving the room and I've tried completely ignoring it and walking away. I don't know what's best to do. Has anyone been through this and can offer some advice? I know I need to be consistent, which I haven't been because I'm trying all different things and nothing seems to be working.

Sounds like he wants more attention from you which is so difficult with a new baby around. Do you have any help to have 1:1 time with him? Even for like 15 mins. Lots of praise when he's good? Telling the baby to 'wait I'm helping your big brother' or 'wow look how clever/helpful/kind your big brother is' etc etc.

But yeah with the hitting I'd continue with the 'we're not staying here if you hit, we don't like it' and leave the room calmly

Your son is confused and upset at the new baby in the family. He doesn’t know how to manage his emotions but uses hitting as a way to express them. Rather than punishing him, which will only make things worse, he needs to be reassured that he’s still loved and that being a big brother is a good thing.

You can do this by including him while you’re taking care of the baby. When you’re feeding, read a book to your DS and give him most of your attention. During nappy changes, ask your DS to help by passing you wipes and creams, Tell him what a great help he is. When you’re holding the baby, ask your DS to sing a song to help get the baby to sleep. Say that the baby likes him singing. Try to show that the two of you are working together to care for this little one.

When the baby’s asleep, ask your son to check on him, showing him how to be quiet around the baby, and then to report back to you if the baby’s eyes were open/closed, he was still or moving and so on. In this way, you’re showing your DS how to act around the baby. Plan lots of exciting things to do with your DS while baby’s asleep and involve him in tidying up and other chores.

Ask family members and friends to greet your DS before they see the baby, and to spend time playing with him, reinforcing the work you’re doing.

All of this is very exhausting for a new mum and you might need to let chores take second place for a while. However, it will help stop the hitting and the difficult emotions your DS is feeling.

Good luck!

But yeah with the hitting I'd continue with the 'we're not staying here if you hit, we don't like it' and leave the room calmly

He has no concept of what the baby is, what the point is, what baby needs, and why you are constantly holding the baby. You need to model how we touch a baby. Take his hand and gently touch baby's face. Do this when baby is calm and content and say to him "look how much baby likes when you touch him gently." Praise him for being a loving and gentle brother. Get him involved with baby things and don't make him feel like he can't touch the wipes, nappy cream, baby toys etc. He needs to feel a sense of ownership over baby too otherwise it's just a strange little creature that's appeared to completely upturn his life.

Great advice ❤️

Talk about "our baby" and "your sister". Show him what to do, rather than what not to do, if that makes sense, so that the baby is something you bond with him over rather than something he sees as an obstacle to your relationship. So lots of "this is how baby likes to be stroked". Show him lots of pictures of him as a newborn and tell him that although baby is too small to play now, baby will grow bigger and stronger and be lots of fun just like he is.

Make sure he's getting lots of 1:1 attention. can you enlist help to hold baby quietly in the background. My mum was greatfor this - she didn't fuss over baby, just held her while I read to my eldest.

Are you using a sling? They are great for having your hands free for an older child. Physically active things e.g. going for a walk, soft play are easy that way and your eldest feels like they have all your attention.

Basket of fun things for when you are feeding/settling baby.

Mostly though, you just can't leave them alone together. Babies are too delicate and a curious older sibling can hurt them with even the best intentions.

Hi OP, just wondering how things are going for you? I'm in the same boat, tryong to find ways to protect the baby and deal with a whole raft of other behaviours that have appeared. Despite involving our eldest and doing lots of 1:1 time it's still not working and she's pushing every boundary we set.

Hey, oh I'm sorry you're having a tough time, it's exhausting isn't it! Things have improved dramatically thankfully. My baby is now 15 weeks old. Toddler very very rarely hits him, I mean maybe once a week. He does tend to fling his legs around so have to be careful that he doesn't kick the baby and does like to throw things too but all his interactions with him now are positive and I can leave them together briefly whilst I go to the toilet.

However, having said that I do still take precautions. I generally having my baby out of reach from the toddler just in case.

The things that I felt made the situation better was being really positive whilst he was near or interacting with the baby. Things such as, "oh look baby is smiling at you, he loves you so much" "thank you so much for giving him a blanket, that's so kind of you" really ramp up the positivity. When he was hitting, punishing him and telling him off honestly made his behaviour far worse. Sometimes I would lose my patience and shout and then felt terrible and we'd all be in tears. The best thing for me was to calmly say no hitting and move the baby to safety.

Toddler being hungry, tired or not getting much attention were triggers for the behaviour. When baby is down for a nap I leave the housework or washing and really try to spend quality time with him. We'll play in the garden or do colouring or play with his blocks.

Honestly some days were so tough and I felt like I was constantly moving myself and baby away from my toddler. How old are your little ones? Hang in there, you're doing a great job x

Just remembered the other thing that I do with my toddler and have done for a long time, is when he's having a tantrum or crying or hitting or throwing and clearly upset or frustrated, rather than getting annoyed with him and telling him to stop, I get down on his level and say no hitting, don't throw your food etc, and I'll ask him if he needs a cuddle. He'll then usually collapse into my arms and calms down really quickly. It really helps for him to regulate his emotions and calms down knowing I'm there for him. But the boundary still stands!

Thanks so much @acupofteamakeseverythingbetter for the extra tips and reassurance.

I'm currently focusing on avoiding overtiredness, being positive when she does something well, and also realizing I need to keep baby away more so the opportunities don't appear at all.

Sometimes it's an overly tight squeeze instead of a hit, and honestly it scares me sometimes! Trying to keep my cool while acting swiftly to avoid harm is a challenge, so avoidance feels necessary too. It's crazy how fast things change from huge and kisses so suddenly! Eldest is 2.5 and baby is now 4 months. X

Hey @MrsTeepee how are you getting on? My DS still occasionally hits but is much better than it was. I'm still trying to be really positive when he's near the baby and just waiting for this phase to pass!