How on earth do you parent a child with potential ADHD?

[Upsydaisydooda]

DD9 (10 in October) is becoming increasingly hyper and impulsive. Currently in the process of a referral but there is a 20month wait!

Her recent behaviours have meant I can’t really let her out of my sight!

chucking stuff out of the window (and it hit the neighbour, I was mortified and she was punished)

throwing food over the fence in to the field behind us. Banana?

chucked something else outside which landed on the neighbours porch roof.

It is such thoughtless/impulsive behaviour!

she hasn’t been able to attend school for the past few weeks. Didn’t even manage the reduced timetable.

we do try and get out of the house for her to run off the excess energy but this isn’t everyday.

surely at the age of nearly 10 I should be able to leave her to chill upstairs without worrying about this sort of behaviour!?

Absolute sympathy, I hope you get some help soon.

Is it possible for you to apply for DLA (you are describing needs which are completely out of sync with age peers) in order to fund private assessment?

I don’t have any advice, but loads of sympathy. My 10 year old has his assessment for Autism and ADHD in a couple of months. He’s…a lot. Just very, very intense; like everything about him is turned up to 11. Like you I find myself thinking “surely by now I should be able to 🐬get a break?”

Summer holidays are particularly tough. We’re only a few days in and I feel exhausted by him already.

Solidarity, comrade.

I don’t know why there’s a random dolphin in my post…

Solidarity here too. My DS is 7 with Autism and ADHD. It is getting to the point where my just turned 3 YO (also with suspected Autism and a definite threenager) mothers him and is much much easier to look after.

You need the patience of a saint. I said to DH this morning it's like living with a psychopath. It's exhausting so prioritise self-care if you can.

It's exhausting, it's a whole different experience to parenting neurotypical children.

@WeneedSamVimesonthecase
I thought you did it on porpoise!

OP one thing you’ve probably noticed on your own- is that punishment doesn’t work. It also feeds into a negatively loop and it can make the home feel miserable.

For most kids, yes consequences work but adhd- they don’t get it. They spiral and they can’t see forward.

So all work needs to be from the beginning and not working back teaching through consequences. What I mean, is when she is throwing things and hitting things. You’ll probably find she doesn’t really listen and will continue.

So it’s trying to find as best you can triggers and trying to de escalate. Hard, because the triggers change. But you also have to let go the comparison of a ‘normal’ kid. Yes a 10 year old should be able to chill and not act like this. But this is how she is. So some acceptance relieves some stress.

So let’s say, she is starting to spiral. You have to try and anticipate what is likely to happen. Try distraction, food etc. If it still escalates and she’s now hitting etc. You have to remain calm and remove yourself. She will shout and scream etc but you just have to make sure you’re safe and she’s safe. Once calmed down, there’s no point in punishing….at all. It’s not because of poor child she has adhd…..it’s because it achieves nothing. Zilch! Actually it adds to your stress because carrying out the punishment can cause further arguments. That doesn’t mean you don’t instill strict boundaries, they make us feel safe. You tell her that hitting isn’t acceptable but don’t punish.

Spending time with relatives is important, gives everyone a break and she has an identity away from the kid at home that causes trouble. Finding a sport, hobby that she’s good at and can gain some confidence. Don’t worry about screen time (but no internet), no one understands how relentless it is with such a child and if it give you peace, go ahead.

With School, don’t worry. It’s only a few weeks but you have to start being firm that it cannot continue. She has to go to school and you are going to have to be strong and work with the school. If that means her shouting and screaming at you while you get her in the car, saying she hates you etc, then that’s what you have to do.

Do some reading around adhd and parenting (obvious I know sorry). I have read an opinion that an adhd brain can be 30 per cent less mature in terms of development (wrong wording) eg a 10 year old could have the brain development/maturity of a 7 year old.
also her executive fiunctioning skills are not working as they would with a neurotypical brain. If she has the thought to throw something she does it. There is no/limited reasoning, thinking about consequences etc.
im no expert but you could try to give her some active strategies if she wants to throw something out of the window eg. can she count to 10, ask you if she should, throw something on the bed. If she does throw something, ask her to tell you and talk it through. Don’t be mad at her just say “oh thanks for telling me. What do you think you could have done instead?”. Try to remove shame and telling off about it.
you could ask why she wants to throw stuff? Is she mad/angry? Is there something else she could do when she feels this way?
ie is there a trigger/reason for this impulse.

if she hasn’t told you and you find out, say “ oh did you throw a banana? Is there a reason? How were you feeling? What could you have done instead? I don’t mind you throwing a cushion on to the bed but When you throw things out of the window it’s littering or could hurt someone”.
try to come up with an alternative.

progress may be slow and this may not work.
Try not to ask loads of questions as these are demands in themselves. If she has an impulse to throw and she didn’t do it ask her to tell you and praise her/high reward.

Russel Barkley is good on you tube and has written help books.
also can you look at/google right to choose via gp as this might be a shorter waiting list.

it is very hard and do take time for yourself if you can. These behaviours can be very embarrassing and people with no experience of having a child with ASD/adhd will struggle to understand. Try not to put your embarrassment/shame from neighbours etc onto her (not saying you are but initially this is something I struggled with ).

Thank you all.

It really is a different kettle of fish. I never expected parenting to be easy but Christ I never expected it to be this hard either!

We have recently been allocated a FSW. I’m hoping she can help us.

It is never ending! @Plumpribbon you are totally right, no amount of traditional punishment/discipline has worked. I then feel as if I’m going against society’s parental standards. I need to get it out my head there’s one way to parent.

We have been as firm as we can RE school. She used to run away at drop off. School held her so I could leave but this has unfortunately exasperated it. Now she won’t go in at all for fear of being restrained.

She has a complete meltdown. She even managed to get past a 6ft male teacher. She is incredibly strong willed.

She is no longer physically forced in to school. She did go back in the building to use the loo and go in her classroom to say hello. Doesn’t sound like much but she wouldn’t step foot in that building a few weeks ago!

I try very hard to praise tiny little things. I think there's a lot of negative towards children with adhd. DS is always being told to sit still, don't touch/mess etc (in school especially) but I'm trying to phrase things better at home by pointing out the positives. Well done for not touching in the supermarket. Thank you for walking nicely with me. Thank you for putting your shoes on etc. I try to ignore the minor stuff and point out positively when he stops.

I'm also working on not shouting. All it does is upset us both. The more I remain calm, the quicker he calms down. I've noticed punishing ie no stories at bedtime if we've argued before doesn't work. So I read and then when it's calmer afterwards we talk about why we've argued.

It's really, really hard. My DS isn't diagnosed but I'm seeking a referral. He's 9 so it's high school soon and I feel like that'll be a complete car crash.

Thank you I’ll take a look! I do definitely pass on that embarrassment. Not intentionally of course.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up when the neighbour knocked on to tell me. 😩