Pressure to potty train from MIL

[wefly]

My MIL keeps asking when we are starting? Like literally every time we see her.

My little boy is only 21 months and she's been asking for a while now.

Tbh, I'm in no rush and I feel like 21 months is very early. He has started showing a few signs he's ready but not loads. I'd rather wait til he was 100% ready.

Her questioning has got me doubting myself though.

How should I respond to her and when is a good age to start?

Tell her you know your own son best and he's not quite ready yet. No need to rush potty training and don't give in to pressure. It's not really her business is it.

I wouldn't respond to her at all to be honest.
As for when a child is ready its when they are ready, it varies and if they aren't ready its bloody hard.
Give it a go if you want but if your DS isn't getting it then stop and try again in a few weeks, its no indication of intelligence or anything

Under 2 is very young. You can buy a potty and pants, and show him what they are, get him excited about using them and be led by him (not by MIL). Kids this young often don’t have the communication skills to really get potty training.

Just tell her next summer and buy yourself a year of no pestering. Then do what you like.

What is it with some grandparents and making comments about when are you going to start potty training!? Mine also asked my toddler when are you going to stop wearing nappies the other day 🙈😆

Tell her you hope to do it before he goes to uni.

DS potty trained around that age & was dry really quickly & didn't need pull ups or anything by 2 years (24 months).

DD wasn't dry until just before 3rd birthday. They wouldn't take them at pre-school if they were still in nappies.

I think when your MIL was bringing up babies they used to start around 18 months.

Trying too early can really set you backwards. If you feel it’s too young then it almost certainly is! Under 2 is early. My nursery aim to get kids trained between 2-3, but even then if they are a late spring baby they might not be trained until the summer after they turn 3.

Had the same with my in laws, always have something to say about every stage. We just politely ignore them. You know your child best

Oh crap potty training recommends doing potty training between 20 and 30 months, so in theory you would be able to do Oh crap now. We did Oh Crap at 27 months and it worked perfectly. Before that, I think they would have struggled with the gross motor skills to manipulate their clothes and the language skills to tel is. I think if we had potty trained earlier then it might be us that we’re trained rather than DC.

People did start potty training earlier, so it obviously isn’t impossible. People are also leaving it later and there are children (without additional needs) going to school not toilet trained. Oh crap touches on the being ready argument too. However, your child, your timeline so your MIL just needs to let you get on with it. Unless of course she’s going to come over for two weeks and do potty training for you.

It's not your MIL's business, but honestly if I had my time again (which I will have as we've had another baby) I'd have done it earlier for DS1. We trained him at just after 2.5 because that's when we had a long enough break from nursery over the holidays to really focus on it. But he'd have been ready at just turned 2, when he was already telling us he wanted his nappy changed when he'd done a poo. DS2 will be 2 just before the Christmas holidays, and I'll do it then if he seems ready. Ready for me would be: able to communicate reasonably well, able to pull his own trousers up and down.

I wouldn’t go by age, I would say try before 3 because 3YOs have a strong sense of self and can be really stubborn, but otherwise I’d be look for language skills, knowing their own body and following instructions as signs of readiness. So can they can follow 2 step instructions e.g. put the toys away then get your shoes, can they communicate a need like asking for a drink when thirsty, can they learn the words to a familiar nursery rhyme. For some kids that might be 22 months, for others it might closer to 3. They all vary! Then you also need a clear week in the diary to devote to it that doesn’t come around the same time as anything like plane travel, the arrival of a new sibling, starting nursery or moving house! I’d tell MIL next summer to get her off your back. Then do it when suits you and DS.

@InTheRainOnATrain makes a great point with '3YOs have a strong sense of self and can be really stubborn' - this is why I felt we should have trained DS1 earlier. He took to it amazingly well at first but the biggest hurdle was that once the novelty had worn off he did NOT want to be prompted or reminded!

I usually think we know better than the last generation for example on weaning, car seats etc. However potty training seems to be getting later and later. She quite possibly trained her kids before two and I know people who've trained their under twos (boys) easily. I trained mine at just over two as it was Summer so less clothes. Yes as PP said the Oh Crap book says 20-30 months is ideal and 18 months is possible with more effort. I think we left a bit late with my first as she was quite grown up for her age and had an attitude and strong opinions about the potty.

I guess she’s thinking because it’s summer and traditionally a good time to try?

but not her business really

I would tell her to crack on with it and have MIL look after him without a nappy for a week to see if he is ready I did this with my mum as she was going on (my daughter was a bit older) she had the brunt of the accidents but it actually she really did us a favour in the end! And mum felt very proud that she was needed. Win win.

Um, tell her you will figure it out all in good time and no child ever grew up without knowing how to use the toilet? Also , thank you dmil, but why is it you take such a big interest in toilet training ? Surely there are more interesting activities to share with the grandchildren?

That should shut her up. I remember that time of life with my own mil and frankly I thought it was creepy that she should be ssssoooo involved.

If that doesn't work stand firm with your boundaries. Before long these women want to control even more things in your child's life.

In my opinion they're not potty trained until they can independently take themselves to the toilet/potty and get their own pants down, and have no or very minimal daytime accidents. At 21 months this is unlikely. Being watched constantly by a parent and being put on the potty every hour etc is good luck not being potty trained!

I guess I'm old enough to be a grandmother and I'd also suggest that it's worth giving potty training a try. You can't know if a kid is ready to be potty trained until you try. As for the posters saying it's harmful to try I'd say they are talking rubbish. I agree that it can backfire if you push a kid too much who is genuinely not ready but I don't see any harm in trying. If it's not working then stop. 🤷🏻‍♀️. It's good for the kid and it's good for the environment.

It takes time and effort to potty train but surely it's worth trying. It can be a really positive thing for kids.

My four kids were born two years apart and I did my best to minimise having two kids in nappies.

I know some kids struggle with it for various reasons and if that's the case then you just need to wait. However, assuming a kid won't be ready without even trying seems crazy. I think it can be easier to try when they are younger rather than when they are older and more stubborn.

I trained my kids in the summer and I gave them loads of extra liquid so they got used to the feeling of needing a pee. I didn't use pull ups with my kids at night time but I did do my fair share of laundry for a while. 😅

I only tried potty training early'ish as I had a lot of Italian and Greek friends and they all potty trained their kids really young with no ill effects that I could see.

Not her business - at all. Not sure how to get her to realise that though.

My we started potty training ds a couple of weeks before his 2nd birthday and it was loads easier than I expected. We'd have tried earlier except he was ill. If I'd have waited he would have made it a battle of wills I'm absolutely sure of it.

I know unsolicited advice is annoying but if she's generally ok then I wouldn't think too much of it. Kids were generally potty trained about 2 years old and I agree with other posters that so many are leaving it later and later then wondering why it's a struggle (excluding Sen cases or those with digestive issues etc, obviously)

She probably has noticed the same few signs of readiness as you and as it's summer it's logical to try it. As a pp said, as long as you don't push too hard and keep it positive I don't see why trying would be a bad thing.

Don't underestimate your DC op, they may surprise you!