Baby won't settle at nursery - so upset, what do I do?

[RedPandaFluff]

DD is just over a year old and over the past couple of weeks has been doing settling-in sessions at nursery in advance of my maternity leave ending. We started off with daily hour-long sessions for four days, then a two-hour session on the Friday, Monday and Tuesday, and tomorrow (Wednesday) we're skipping a day before a half-day session on Thursday and Friday. Full-time is supposed to start next Monday as I'm back at work.

DD screams from start to finish, and is distraught and exhausted when I pick her up. The nursery manager has agreed that DD is proving difficult to settle. I don't know what to do. I can't bear the thought of having her cry for hours - one and two-hour sessions have been bad enough, but the half-day sessions are this Thursday and Friday.

The nursery manager wants to push through but I don't think this is working and I'm upset and worried. Please help!

Some children do struggle to settle. What are your options? Try a childminder instead? Nanny? Delay your return to work?
If none of those are viable you will just have to push through and hope she settles.

Firstly the Nursery staff should not be telling you at all she is difficult to settle that is not professional. They should be completely used to this.

My Dd age 1 started Nursery in March and she cried going in and a lot during the day. I thought she would never settle the staff reassured me that she would just give it time. 3 weeks in and she settled, few months on and she smiles when we arrive and jumps into the staffs arms. To add in the early days I would try and make the walk into Nursery fun. For example get her to help ypu open the door, spend some time in the hallway pointing out pictures, art, posters, try make her laugh.

My daughter started recently and her settling in sessions went terribly, I was called to pick her up after she screamed for an hour then first time. It really surprised me as she's always happy at groups and when I go to work (she was with grandparents prior). We powered through and she started with half days, she cried on drop off and initially but they said she was ok. She went 2x half days a week. On the 3rd week she didn't cry at drop off either days and was happy, she really enjoys the activities. I'll see how this week goes but last week was so positive I hope it continues
It's really hard but hopefully your daughter will get there too, I'd stick with it a bit longer

Going to have to push through, @3WildOnes - no option. I've used up the leave I'd accrued, and a nanny is beyond our means, even if we could find one by Monday. We don't have parents nearby who can help temporarily either.

That's very reassuring to read, @StrawberriesandMango - was your DD a clingy baby anyway? Mine is (total opposite to her independent big sister who loved nursery immediately) and I think part of the issue is that she's only happy when she's in my arms, although she'll go to DH for a bit.

It's going to be a difficult few weeks - I was not expecting this

Thank you, @Bunny2006 - it's so hard seeing them so upset. Maximum mum guilt! I hope things continue to improve for you, it certainly seems positive.

Push through! Either that or don't go back to work.. stay at home and spend the rest of your life pandering .

I bet while you are not in the room baby I'd absolutely fine after a few tears!

Just get on with it

And before anyone comes for me.. I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

I was that my. Who had to dump and run and wait round the corner just to assure myself baby had settled.

I was the mum who could never go to school events because if baby saw me there were tears.

I pushed through.. and you know what.. she's a healthy strong independent hardworking sociable you lady .. push through never hurt her

Mine took quite a long time to settle but we got there in the end and she loves nursery now. We only did a couple of settling in sessions before going for 3 full days a week and then 4 - maybe all the short sessions are not helping and it will be easier for her to settle with more of a routine.

Oh I really feel for you, it’s so difficult, unfortunately some children do just take longer to settle. My DS was awful, it took 16 settle sessions over almost 8 weeks, I couldn’t leave him for longer than 30 minutes for the first month, he just screamed constantly it was awful, I was so worried and thought I would have to delay going back to work, he was (and still is!) very attached to me, it helped when DH dropped him off, he didn’t get quite so upset, is there anyone else who could maybe take her? The plus side is he absolutely loves it now 3 months in and runs in, gives me a big slobbery kiss and waves me off, she will get there, but I know how difficult it is!

My DS was like this for the first few months and it absolutely broke my heart. He was so exhausted and sad…he’s been going now 5 months and I’d said for the past 2.5 months he has absolutely loved it. He has jumped out of arms to go to the creche workers over the last few weeks. Trust me it does get better and it’s better now when they don’t remember rather than going to school and they do

How is it not professional to be open and honest with parents?
The staff will be completely used to settling babies and they are telling the OP her baby is unusually distressed.

I'd look for a nanny or a childminder. An agency will find you a great candidate within days.

Babies under two really don't benefit from a nursery anyway. They benefit from one to one care. Your baby is developmentally normal NOT to settle with strangers.

Edited for typos!

Wow I can't believe the nursery have said she's difficult to settle. I would have said it's still early days and sometimes it just takes time. Persevere but you might find little one cries for a while yet. It's very very rare they don't settle eventually. I would say I'd never seen it, in 20 years of working with children, until it happened to a friend BUT that's like literally one out of hundreds.

But also, personally (I might be biased as I'm a cm now) I would say look into a cm. Cm offer a more one to one personal service. A lot of nurseries now aren't meeting kids needs. The parents aren't kept involved in their daily lives and aren't even allowed in, they don't get to know the families at all. I will say i know that's not all nurseries but recently myself and my cm colleague have had so many children coming over from nurseries. The children just aren't happy there and parents know nothing about their days.

It's a sad fact that some children never will be happy at nursery. My DD settled (after a few weeks of crying) but my DS never did. I mean he did eventually reach a stage where he wasn't screaming but he was unhappy there. He refused to eat or speak.
Would your child be better off with a childminder?
I'm sorry OP. It's so hard.

Oh gosh what a mixture of responses . . . it sounds like it could go either way, she could eventually settle, or a nursery setting just might not be right for her.

A nanny is beyond our means, and although a childminder could be a possibility, I'm not entirely sure we wouldn't have the same problem - it's still a new environment, a new caregiver, other children. I'm actually totally confident in the nursery - our older DD went there for almost four years and loved it, and they post updates during the day so parents can see photos and how the children are getting on.

I'm thinking we just have to push through for now, and reassess in a few weeks if she's still unhappy.

Thank you for replies, everyone - it was reassuring to hear that lots of children do settle, but I'll also bear in mind that some just don't.

@5475878237NC a nanny or childminder would still be a stranger, though? We're lucky in that our chosen nursery is small and although it's not one-to-one care, it's the same 2-3 faces every day, and a baby in a childminder setting would have to get used the childminder plus a couple of other children being around, which to me is the same thing?

I'd love a nanny but I've done the research and sums and it's just not possible

It can take children a while to settle it took my girl 6 months, the nursery worker is right just stick with it.

My DD was the same, it’s really upsetting. It did ease off after 3/4 weeks though. She wouldn’t eat either which was a worry.

Childminders do tend to get pushed on here but I think nurseries actually work better for fussy babies. The staff can ‘share the load’ a little easier!

The difference with a cm is that it's smaller so not so scary and you always hand baby to the same person who then gives consistent care through each and every session not one of several who disappear for lunch, paperwork etc. it's part of attachment theory babies need a consistent carer and some more than others.
I've had lots of babies moved out of nurseries it's really common.

I feel for you OP.

I've been on both sides, the mum walking away (with tears running down my face) from my screaming baby, and the nursery worker reassuring other mums going through the same thing.

I promise you 9 out of 10 times it gets better, it just takes time. Some babies take longer than others, but as long as the educators are caring and nurturing she will build trusting relationships with them and she will be fine.

It can take up to 6-8 weeks to get there though and I know how much it rips your heart out, so a gentle hug to you.

Just wondering how your baby settled in the end?? Hope she settled and it became less stressful for you!
Just wondering on how it turned out in the end as having similar issues myself!

Hi @Questionanswer - sorry, I've only just seen your post! We got there in the end, although I would say it took a good six weeks for her to settle properly. Now she LOVES going to nursery and she toddles in the door without so much as a backwards glance! So, based on that, I would say push through and give it time.

(It's bloody awful at the start, though!)

You were absolutely right, @lugeanjaam!

That’s good to hear she settled in the end bless her! Gives me some hope!!