Helping create a calm and happy child

[newmumabouttown]

I struggled to stick to a fixed schedule of naps and feeds, as found both me and LO would get stressed. So I feed and nap on demand. Naps / sleep fit a loose schedule of wake windows, and generally bedtime is at same time. During the day we read books, do an outside activity, play games, do activities from Kinedu for development. As he’s approached 6 months, in the last month I’ve found I can also just leave him to happily “free play” while I do some chores or just relax for 5-10 minutes.

My paranoia / worry - he’s been super fussy recently, to the extent I left a lunch meet up today because I couldn’t handle his crying in the cafe. I think he was just tired but couldn’t settle him without leaving in the pram.

I’m worried I’m doing something wrong that could create a whiny toddler. He is generally so happy and chilled, I guess I’m just looking for any advice / experience / book recommendations on what can help nurture a happy relaxed child, and avoid one who is frustrated and unhappy.

How old is he?

There are a lot of things going on in their little brains and bodies for the first few years. Your baby is not always going to be calm, it’s perfectly normal. They take a bunch of cognitive leaps that affect their behaviour. It’s good to understand what some of those are and how they can affect behaviour and sleep.

https://theobservantmom.com/transcript-introduction-to-cognitive-leaps-from-18-months-on/#:~:text=A%20cognitive%20leap%20is%20a,be%20around%2C%20but%20totally%20fascinating.

From what you have written, your baby is normal, and you are doing everything fine. Everyone has the day that their baby is overtired/hungry/bored/grumpy and completely acts up while out such that you have to pack up go home, sometimes. Some parents have it a lot more!

That said, I just finished reading "The Calm and Happy Toddler" which I found affirming and helpful. So that could be worth a shot. Though, if you still have a baby (<1), rather than a toddler, much of the content was rather directed to parents with toddlers 2-3 years old, I thought.

Hes 6 months old, so all you can do is be responsive to his needs. You cannot really do anything else!

Super fussy could be a developmental thing e.g. developing a desire to be on the move, or gradually becoming aware that he is a separate entity to you. These are both positive cognitive developments. Or it could be discomfort - how is weaning going? Digestion of solids is a strange set of sensations to start with, and as much doesn't get digested or even chewed, can be uncomfortable. Or he could have a mild virus -my kids seem to have a new cold almost every week at the moment.

For now, meet his needs. Other strategies are more appropriate 18months+ when communication is easier.

I don’t think you create a whiny child they’re all different, some are whinier than others you can’t really mould their personality, they are who they are. It sounds like you’re doing a great job, you’re overthinking this.

I think you shouldn’t assume you have a tabula rasa. I spent part of today with a pair of adorable one-year-old twins. One was sparky, outgoing and confident, the other gentler, more anxious and prone to tears.

Teething? Janet Lansbury is good on dealing with emotions and behaviour in older children. Your baby playing happily by themselves for 5 to 10 minutes is great, my now 16 year old was nearly constantly in my arms at that age. He is very independent now and has weathered many storms with good humour and grace. When he was little I read a couple of things that stayed with me. One, listen to all the small trouble now, if they are devaststed at 3 because they broke their pencil be understanding and sympathetic if you want them to come talk to you when they are 17 and have had their heart broken or failed an exam. Similarly, all humans make mistakes, so when they do something wrong don't overreact or punish but work through what went wrong and help them understand the consequences. You don't have to pretend you are happy or it's all fine. The words that stayed with me were similar to this. One day if your child makes a serious mistake, do you want them to run to you for help or away from you in fear.

IME people who swear by routine had an easy-going baby who was happy to do the routine and would probably have been happy with or without one. People who ditched routine, generally it was because it wasn’t working and their baby “told” them so.

In other words - your baby’s personality is not determined by you having a strict routine or no routine. It’s the other way round.

Thank you, I’ll take a read for ideas for when he gets older

That’s really lovely, thank you.
definitely teething happening so was thinking it was likely that as well contributing yesterday. I tried some baby neurofen when he was really howling, always hard to know how much it helps or not.

Thanks this is good to know for future. I’ve been following wonder weeks while he’s a baby but not
convinced how accurate the timings are, but you’re right it’s good to have understanding of what could be going on.

if you’re not stressy, your child will likely grow up the same.

Thank you, seems to be the theme is that I can’t overthink this until toddler years. I’m holding off until six months to wean, partly following NHS recommendations and partly because husband is not home for morning / lunch meals and I want him to see first food, so we’re trying on Friday together when he has a day off and he’ll be 5 months and 3 weeks, so close enough and his sitting had improved amazingly this week.

Responding to your child's needs will create a strong attachment bond and also prevent later attention seeking behaviour. It's the absolute BEST thing you can do.

Ah sorry, I read your post quickly and misunderstood, I thought he was already 6 months.

It's nice to read ahead and think about what is round the corner! I found "The Whole brain Child" and "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" to be very useful. Please bear in mind that children have their own temperaments/personalities. You may have to try one hibg for a wuile to know I it is working. What works for one child might not work for another. Be patient and work with your child - the toddler years will be tough on both of you! But they are also lots of joyful moments and big strides in their independence.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job balancing flexibility and routine! Babies can be fussy for lots of reasons, and it’s usually just a phase. Check for common things like teething or hunger, and try offering extra comfort when he's upset. For some great tips, you might find “The Happiest Baby on the Block” helpful. And don’t forget to take care of yourself, too—parenting is hard, but you’re doing great!

I remember doing the same with calpol! It's so hard to know when they are babies. The thing is, your baby has a loving mother who is concerned about doing her best for him and that signifies you are already doing your best. When he is distressed at any age he'll have you by his side helping. Sometimes that's all any of us need, we all have to face pain in our lives, whether it's physical or emotional, and having someone to stand with you can be all it takes for us to find the inner strength to get through it. When he cries you respond, he knows he has comfort and help.