Other people struggling to grasp lm less available now l have young children

[TruthorDie]

How do l make clear to friends and family lm way less available and free than before children? Most people have grasped it. But a good friend of mine who we will call Sally and my mum seem oblivious. That toddler twins, working pretty much full time and studying take up a big chunk of my life

It's most likely about to reach a head as Mum has hinted about me hosting Christmas again this year. I did it last year so zero chance of me doing it again this year. No one assisted like they promised (for context it was our first Christmas with children). Plus it's not our turn and l CBA. Also for me to organize and go on a family holiday next year. Problem is we have different ideas about holidays. She doesn't want to go abroad (we do). She wants to go away in this country but doesn't want to drive herself. Problem is we can't all fit in 1 car (thanks massive child seats!). She's also hinted about another car being hired but l want to go 50/50 on the driving with my partner and you know, relax a bit and actually be on holiday.

Sally is annoyed lm not reminding her about social plans we make. I've tried explaining l can barely remember my own stuff, never mind someone else. Plus suggested she puts it in her phone or diary which she appeared to find annoying. Also is confused if she wants to make last minute time / day changes then l often don't have childcare or have other plans on the other day. She just maintains "there's a lot going on" and / or she "forgot".

For clarity lm not wanting childcare or anything like that. Just an understanding l have less time, energy and money they l have ever had. So no l probably won't leap at the chance of organising Auntie Violet's big birthday party, night outs or holidays. I often only get 45-60 minutes a day to myself so want to spend that on myself. Rather than researching buffet options or holiday options. I will do my share but can't / won't organise other people or do their share

This is really annoying. With Sally, tbh I'd probably just not be seeing her that much at the moment. My social circle changed quite a lot when I had kids. I basically have zero time now for people who are really unreliable as our lives have to be quite regimented. I don't make social plans for childfree time with people who I know are flaky as the opportunities are quite limited and I'm not wasting them being let down.

Your mum is more difficult but you just have to be honest "I'd rather alternate hosting at Christmas as if not that's fine, we will do our own thing this year", "we'd like to go abroad on the family holiday, if you want to do a long weekend away, you sort the accomodation and I'll sort restaurants/days out when we are there". Etc

These people all sound really annoying. I agree you need to be honest, shut down any ideas of hosting Christmas and keep shutting down if needed.

I've got loads of sympathy for folk when their friends have kids and aren't as available but it sounds like you're the one making the effort here and Sally isn't if she can't even be bothered to make a note of your plans. Is this friendship still fulfilling you or has it run it's course?

Agree with all this. Flaky friend Fiona dropped out last minute from our plans the other weekend. Luckily l had pencilled in a back up plan. But why make plans you won’t attend?

To he honest l don’t want to even do alternate Christmas. I really hate getting into set things like. Plus l hosted 9 people last year, other people like my mum, my brother and his partner or my in-laws can do it! I tried the we split the tasks between us before. But my mum either charges her mind or announces she “can’t” do it after l have done my bit. E.g. last Christmas it was agreed l would do an M&S order for the sides and desserts. Plus butchers and physically go to green grocers. Mum was meant to do a Tesco order and cook some of the meals so my partner and l didn’t have to. Later on announces she doesn’t want to do an order but then made no further plan. I suppose with the holiday we could go somewhere she could access by train for the weekend, we drive and we sort out our own accommodations. For clarity she had never liked driving and prefers to be driven, her 30 or 40 year old self was the same

I try 🤷‍♀️. I am making the effort. But a lot of the time it’s a bit like pushing water uphill.

I probably need to be less polite and more blunt. Sally was a SAHM for most of her children’s younger years (they are now grown up) and my mum worked part time. So they didn’t do as much plate spinning. They go on about my partner doing stuff but why wouldn’t he as they are his children?! Plus they didn’t have twins

Ooh there's not much that annoys me more than people giving my DH a medal for parenting tasks they expect me to do as default!

OP, it's time to set some boundaries with your mum especially. You've got enough stress on your plate without having to pander to her feelings all the time. Practice saying 'that won't work for us' and sticking to it. Good luck!

On the extreme but my aunt dumped me when I refused to take my dc to her home and create the Christmas of her dreams.. She was in a wheelchair and lived alone. She had a top notch carer... I was pregnant and due Christmas Eve... Didn't see her for a few years before she died.
She left her house and everything to her carer..
She never even rang to see if dd had arrived safely..
Yanbu to not want to pander to others op.

Issue an 'all points bulletin' that you are definitely not hosting Christmas this year, will also not be offering to help, but that you are looking forward to hearing who is and enjoy the silence! Re. the friend, say can't just drop life, as it is a little full, but ask her to give it a few months and hopefully a little more flexibility in your daily routine of just covering all the bases of 'life' and will be able to be a little more responsive to last minute plans, although no guarantees. Holiday, make it clear where you are going and do it! Life is far too short to keep others happy at the expense of your own sanity and happiness. I hosted the family for a few Christmas Days, providing everything, covering up to 10 people, but when it was someone else's turn there was always an excuse, mainly to avoid the dipping in their pockets and expending effort, as I made it clear that I hosted, I'd provide and do it all, but so I could enjoy the day I expected then to do the same when they hosted and strangely it never happened! Now, such a lovely day with those I want to share it with!

Definitely don't get into any kind of set Christmas pattern, you'll just get taken for granted. It's far better to take each year as it comes and make plans based on what you and need and are capable of doing.

Oh yes, don't alternate in a set way at Christmas if you don't want to, just an example. I do find people who haven't worked full time ever quite hard work as they have just never really been that busy.... I have a family member who works very part time and always has and when she tells me she is "busy" it's all with stuff I don't actually get to do because I am too busy! (Hair, nails, gym etc).

Why would you do that with the holiday? Next time you see here tell her that you and DH are looking to take the children abroad next year just the 4 of you.

How annoying for you OP! But you need to make your plans without recourse to the other people that are expecting you to do everything.
So for Christmas - you and your DH make your plans. If that is at home with just you two and your twins - then that is what you do. Don't make plans for food preparation or whose house or whatever. If it comes to it - you could invite them them for tea on Christmas afternoon but you plan on doing the preparations yourself - don't rely on anyone else. If they show up - lovely! If not - your buffet or whatever can go for Boxing Day.
Likewise your holiday - you want to go abroad - so go abroad. If others want to jump on the bandwagon you give them details about where and when you are going and they make their own arrangements about to get there, when and where they stay. You are not necessarily saying they can't go with you but you are not facilitating it for them.
If Sally is annoyed that you are not reminding her then create a Whatapp group - details on there and leave it!! She is big enough and ugly enough to refer back to the Whatapp for information. If she changes plans - don't change yours - you still meet at the time you originally planned and get on with your day - she'll have to catch up or miss out!
The problem is that people will always ask a busy person to sort something as they are so good at organising and planning - because they will make time from somewhere even if it is detrimental to themselves. You state what you are prepared to do and do just that and no more. If you are chased for something - you just say - done my bit - end of! Just don't discuss it further! Good luck!!

I know right! Why shouldn’t he be feeding them up or buying more nappies?!

Im bracing myself as there will be a fair amount of push back. Complaining lm “mean”, “it’s not fair” etc. Like a lot of people when l increase my boundaries then she usually will push back harder.

I agree pandering to other rarely ends well. Loving the way your aunt didn’t realise you might be rather tired and otherwise occupied to do “Christmas of people’s dreams”

@Hugesunflower compromise with a weekend in the Uk my mum and partner / children. 7 or 10 nights abroad with partner and children

My flexibility and responsiveness probably isn’t going to change much anytime soon between my work, my husbands work and childcare. Husband works until 9pm 2 night of the week. I have limited childcare so try to use for bigger occasions like people’s birthdays. Rather than someone is being fickle and wants to swap dates. Sally has shifts l work around, lm not being any demanding about the where or when then she is. But l don’t bail / forget plans

Yeah Christmas does make people avoidant about contributing effort and money doesn’t it! I would like 1 year for it to be just the 4 of us

UPDATE: Sally and l made another arrangement. She dropped off the face of the earth and it never happened. I have dropped the rope with it all, after challenging her about doing it again. Radio silence off of her since. Think she’s in a mood 🤷‍♀️

My mum had got off of my case for a while -had been having some work done to her house which had kept her occupied. I can sense she is going to start ramping up again imminently e.g. when she texted me asking for pictures of my children in every item of clothing she had ever bought them. I can usually sense it which makes my husband laugh.

In reflection my plate is full at the moment and it’s fine for me to say that. If people don’t accept it then that’s their choice. I can only do what l can do. It’s not as if l don’t support people having a hard time e.g. the friend who found out the other day her Dad has terminal cancer and has about 3 months to live 😔