Trying to get 20 year old to be more independent

[Tomatosoupandbread]

I have a 20 year old daughter. She has high functioning autism and ADHD, and is currently living in a house share with her boyfriend and best friend. She is working over the summer and then going back to uni.

She needs a LOT of handholding and input. Way more than her 7 year old sister. Every single night she needs at least an hour of me telling her that she isn’t bad or stupid and that if she hates her job that much then she needs to leave. I need to tell her that her boyfriend loves her and so do I and so does the dog. I will get hours of messages about how much she hates her job and can’t go in tomorrow. Then the next morning she will go into work and it will be fine and she will say that she is really enjoying it.

She also has really bad hypochondria. Already this evening (since 4pm) I have had her saying that she has the worst UTI imaginable and that she physically cannot leave her bed, that she needs medicine and that she thinks that she needs to call 111. I told her to get a housemate to go to Boots for her. Then she said that she thinks that it is Diabetes, and that she needs blood tests doing, and that she’s worried that she will die overnight. I advised her to book a GP appointment tomorrow morning, but then she was saying she would get fired from her job if she didn’t go in so couldn’t possibly book a GP appointment. She sent over 100 messages.

Then she called to say she has just gone for a poo and now feels fine. She also said she hadn’t eaten all day, so I told her to eat. She then went into 100 reasons why she couldn’t eat right now. Every day is the same-she has a myriad of different illnesses, and then realises that actually she just needed to drink, or eat, or go to the loo. Every single day, ad nauseum, for over 2 years.

i sound heartless but I am just exasperated. This is every single day. And she does this to her boyfriend and flatmate too, so they are exhausted by it as well.

We have been to counselling, we have tried medication (she won’t take it), I’ve tried bringing her home and she was bored and miserable. I just want to say to her “you can text between x and y time, and call to say goodnight, but otherwise you need to start dealing with this yourself.”, but I feel so mean at the same time.

I would not stop her texting but I would limit my responses. Would a therapist be a good idea? They could work with her on ways to manage her anxiety and also give her some insight into why this number of messages is not OK.

Like previous poster said , I would limit texts back .

or say something like: I’m off to an appointment between 6-8 so won’t be able to answer any calls until I get home after 9

while this won’t get to the cause of the problem, I wonder if it will redirect her attention. For example if she is used to having her phone in her hand texting you all night , maybe it will encourage her to try something else and break the habit. - I’m wondering if a lot of things she’s saying just to keep the habit of messaging up ?

phone in hand = send messages to mum ?

I have no advice as I am in the same boat with DD1 (ASD plus mental health issues) - it is exhausting. We tried therapy but she kicked up a stink that the therapist was too harsh (she really wasn't she just didn't pander to her). Hope.you manage to find something that helps and make sure to look after yourself as well.

My eldest can be a bit like this. When she starts I give her the choices she can take or say we've discussed this we don't need to go over it again.
Her dad is all but absent so it's all on me but she getting better.
Another think I'll say is I'm busy right now why don't you think about what works for you and see if how it goes. I'll check in later with you

Thank you all for replying. I feel wretched about the whole situation, because if I hadn’t held her had so much this wouldn’t have happened. She has tried therapy from being 13 but won’t go because the therapists are too mean, like you said @BowTiesPinkTail . Her Dad stopped contacting her when she was 18, which has further fuelled the anxiety.

You all have fantastic advice, thank you, and thank you for not raking me over the coals, I was really worried about posting.

I have found that being unavailable helps (DS, 19, ASD). I tell him I'm in meetings/ out of range/ at the cinema etc. Then I put my phone on silent. He is always fine and it has given him the confidence that comes from having to make his own choices and then seeing that it usually works out. It's hard as a parent but better for them.

I also do this. I say I'm very busy in meetings today I'll let you know when I'm on my way home