To stay or not to stay

[Secondtimemum24]

I just need some advice

I have just had a baby with my partner of 4 years this is my 4th baby my others are teenagers and this is my only baby with my new partner.
he is estranged from all his family so this baby is the one thing in life he really wanted and one thing he has apart from me and my kids which he loves as his own and he loves baby so much I can see that like the best thing ever!

now to my problem - I don’t feel like he loves me anymore … we argued lots in pregnancy I was always trying to talking about my feelings and they got shut down everytime but I love him and assumed it’s just my hormones. Fast forward to having baby I do everything … every feed every nappy change every bedtime every bathtume … EVERYTHING. He comes home from work I cook for him, do all the washing etc … occasionally he will tidy around the house once I’ve gone to bed with baby.

i just feel fed up I’ve said how this is making me feel but I’m exaggerating. He said I’m miserable … which I can understand I may look it but the only time I’m miserable is with him.

we haven’t had sex in a year.
don’t really kiss or hug anymore he just doesn’t seem to want me - however he says I’m crazy why is he here if he doesn’t want me … my opinion is he’s only here for baby and my kids ….

i dunno I just feel like I don’t know if I can carry on like this but then if we break up he’s going to want baby a few days a week and then I won’t be with her which makes me sad ….

help

Does he help/do it if you ask? I find alot with us mums we will just crack on n run ourselves into the ground because we don’t want to ask, im guilty of it, there are no such things as hints with men, my partner says to me all the time if you want help you have to ask cause otherwise i just assume your all good and dealing with it, ive been through similar where ive felt like he doesn’t love me and we’ve grown apart, alot of the time its been when we’ve had a new baby (we have 5) and both tired and sex is minimum, time spent together is less, as im dealing with the baby, so we have to schedule in time together/sex and the spontaneity is gone so it feels less loving and more -rush before the baby wakes up again 😂 ive also had the “ I wouldn’t be here if i didn’t love you” conversation and honestly its true so stop doubting his feelings for you.
my advice and i may be accused of being insensitive here but i think you guys need some sex, to reconnect, feel attractive, feel wanted by each other again xx

A man who does nothing except a bit of mild tidying up, is not going to want a baby 50:50. That would involve him, shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking, getting up at night, changing nappies, re-organising his precious work schedule. Mine claimed he wanted 50:50, said he would go for full custody if I left. He had baby ds for one weekend (before we left), and never mentioned 50:50 again. Didn't want ds overnight until he was 5yo.

So don't worry about that. Make your decision based on how you feel about the relationship and whether it is salvageable or not.

Perhaps work on the relationship for 3 months and if nothing is better, make your plans.

Hi
I hear you and I can absolutely resonate with you, I have been down this road before.

1. I suggest that you go see a couple therapist to give your relationship another chance. Sometimes men need to hear the truth from someone else. I know it is expensive, you can do just a few sessions, then you have a clear picture where you stand. Is he willing to make an effort? Does he want to be more responsible? Is he willing to save his relationship?does he want to change?

1. I also suggest that you do some self reflection on yourself. What do YOU want ? Do you love him? Do you want this relationship to continue? What are your expectations?

It's very common that the arrival of a baby is quite stressful for couples, if the couple is not solid, things may get ugly, because of the sleep deprivation, lack of communication and connection, lack of intimacy...