Coparenting with a narcissist - wants constant messages!

[Littletea]

Hi, for context -
I have a 3.5 year old , was with dad for 7 years very on and off as very toxic and typical narc behaviours, I left when daughter was 6 months old.

now 3 years down the line it is still exhausting, he never sticks to the childcare agreements we have , despite claiming his love for her and her being “his world” (I know this is crap) yet if he doesn’t turn up on “his day” it is somehow still my fault.
I now communicate with him barely at all, ignoring all his messages during the week asking “is she ok” “what are you 2 doing” so on and so on.
he doesn’t contribute financially

I am always on edge because I know when I ignore the texts, there will be abuse to follow , about how I am preventing him from knowing about his child and he’s going to do xyz.

any advice please - should I be having to update him during the week about how she is? He has her one day a week, normally turns up around 2pm and this is not consistent every week.

Ignore him! He has no right to know your day to day movements. I check in with my kids on 'Dad days' but it's just a 'Morning my love' text, not a demand for information.

Have you tried communicating via a Co-parenting app?

Agree that just because he wants you to do something, doesn't mean that you have to do it ! Don't allow him to dictate what you do, or when you do it.

Change contact to email and block him on your phone during 'your' days with DC. Send him an email telling him that due to his constant demands for 'updates' about what DC is doing etc, you are now only allowing him to contact you via texts/calls when he has DC.

Also put in email that 'his' contact day and time need to be consistent, for DC's sake, so DC will be ready for pick up at x day and x time. If he does not show up to collect DC at right day/time, then he will not be allowed any access until the following weeks appointed day/time.

It's not your job to work around his wants, it's his job to work his life around set access days/times.

Why isn't he contributing to her upkeep?

Download a co parenting app and block him on everything else. Communicate with him about dates/times etc but nothing else.

he started paying for a little while and now believes as it was “my choice to be a single parent , I should be able to afford it alone”
yes this is what I am dealing with. He also thinks as he has her for about 6 hours a week and feeds her he is contributing to her financially then.

Thank you, no I have never tried to use a co parenting app to communicate. I will look into this

he started paying for a little while and now believes as it was “my choice to be a single parent , I should be able to afford it alone”
yes this is what I am dealing with. He also thinks as he has her for about 6 hours a week and feeds her he is contributing to her financially then.

A parenting app is a good idea.

I think you need to have clear boundaries about what you will and won't communicate about. For example .. moving forward I won't be responding to your text messages about our day to day activities. I will however advise you if LO is ill, has an accident or other event that I feel you need to know.

Also, apply for CM.

Narcissists counter parent, they are unable to maintain co-parent agreements.

Learn recognise, know and plan your transactions

Then I suggest you apply for CMS.

Get the co parenting app. Tell Ex that you will only communicate via the app (it's recommended by family court iirc) and block him on everything else.

Give him set times on his day. Tell him if he's not picked dd up by a certain time you will be going out and he will have to wait until the following week - if he kicks off about this tell him he can go to court and see what a judge thinks of him not turning up until 2pm.

Contact CMS and start the claim. You are entitled to something. It won't be much but it will be sending a clear message to him.

You need to assert your boundaries. You are entitled to cms and you are entitled to know exactly date/times of pick up and drop off.

I have a narc ex who was also a when-he-felt-like-it dad, but felt the need to keep me under his thumb.

My advice would be - ignore the requests for information and any snide comments. Or respond always formulaically and putting an obligation on him "she's fine - you still picking herup at 2?"

Respond factually to messages directly related to access visits.

In other words, train him to interact with him on your terms, rather than you being reactive

(Kids are now grown.)

Change your current number. Block him on everything.
Get a cheap pay as you go phone - he has that number only. Only turn it on on contact day.