Am I failing?

[binggy]

I just don’t know how to potty train. DS is 2.5 (2y7 months next week6 and not potty trained

ive panicked as he’s been leaking overnight been having lots of wee overnight

imnworried I’ve not started him soon wnough

we tried yesterday and some of today no undies and he only went to the potty once after starting a wee on the floor

but

hes really worked up. He’s held his wee before an accident so this morning nappy off at 7am held his wee and accident at 9.30 :( before he does it he gets upset and wants me to cuddle him

I thought I had to sit in and train him I’m worried he’s just getting upset and worked up but don’t want to leave it too late?!?

what do I do :( I feel awful

He's not ready then. Simple as. Stop stressing yourself and him, return to nappies, and try again in a month or so.

Some kids are ready at 2yr6mo, but definitely not all. And it's certainly not too late at all. My first was trained at 2yr10/11 months, and it was the easiest thing in the world.

Finally, being dry at night is separate from being dry during the day, and there can be years between the two. As it's hormonal it can't really be trained, and it's just a matter of time. I'm afraid I don't have a solution for the leaking at night, unless maybe upsizing nappies, or changing brand.

Nighttime dryness is hormonal and completely separate to daytime potty training. It’s perfectly normal for toddlers that crack the potty at 2 to still be night nappies at 4. So by all means start potty training because 2.5 is a good age for it and I think it’s easier in summer to have them run around not wearing much, they can play in the garden and not feel cooped up, can hang all the inevitable washing up to dry etc. But it’s not going to help with your nighttime leaks, except maybe if you can get a wee before bed that will into the potty and not the night nappy. If you are going to go for it pick a method, stay consistent and stick at it for minimum a week before making any judgement about it not working. It sounds like he does know when a wee is coming and can hold it for a good amount of time so perhaps with some persuasion to sit and a reward for doing it he might not get so upset?

How do I do it? He has 4 days with us then 3 at nursery (all in a row)

so we can’t have him in nursery with pants off and then watching for cues etc (similar to oh crap method)

can I ease into it? Like I’ve now asked if he does something in his nappy if we go out to tell me

and he had a fresh nappy on then told me about a wee so I changed it instant and said we have dry bums eetc

I probably wouldn’t do Oh Crap because whilst there are some good things in the book, the nudity isn’t really nursery compatible! I also don’t think you can ease into it as it just sends confusing mixed messages- you can’t just say vague things like ‘dry bums’ whilst he’s in a nappy and expect progress. It’s going to be meaningless to him because you are expecting him to go in his pants; you wouldn’t put the nappy on otherwise and also his bum will be dry even after a big wee because modern disposables are really really good, probably too good!

We did straight into underwear. Only underwear initially ie no trousers to minimise the washing! Then push the liquids- juice, squash, ice lollies, all the liquidy things I normally don’t allow. Sit on the potty for 5 minutes every 45 minutes, read a story, fidget toys, TV if you have to. They got a smartie if they went. Had to help clean up accidents. Gradually increase the time between tries until 45 minutes became 2 hours only if they hadn’t taken themselves. Nursery won’t do the smarties but they should be on board with a sticker chart that he can exchange with you at the end of the day for his reward. We spoke them ahead of time with DS and timed it so he had a training buddy and they used to go to the loo together!

He’s so young! Mine didn’t properly get it until 4 and nothing I did worked. Let him be. The worst thing is to stress him out.

Also boys aren’t dry at night until much later usually.

I think if you have a stretch of four days at home each week, or maybe that was a one off, that is a good chunk of time to focus on doing that oh crap method. I really struggled with my middle child so I did the oh crap method with my third one and it worked really well for us. But you do need that stretch of time where you don’t let the child know that you’re super focused on it, and they actually love it because they get your complete 1000% attention the whole time because you’re watching for cues without letting them know. And I think in four days you would make a fair bit of progress and then see if your nursey will be happy for them to go in with loose trousers or shorts but with no pants. And also remember that any good nursery will be used to support supporting children through potty training so it won’t be an unreasonable thing to ask them to work with you as your child goes through it.

He’s only 2.5, pop him back in nappies and try again on a few weeks or months when he shows that he is ready. One of mine trained at 2.5, the others were 3, all totally normal time frames.

I didn't really train mine. I just waited until they were old enough and rlwe had a few trys of days without nappies. Both children requested this because they could see they were wearing nappies amd others weren't. Both were nearly three.

Nighttime is more hit and miss but as I understand it, not trainable as such, they either have enough of whatever hormone or they don't. My DD had drt nappies overnight from a very young age; my DS had the occasional bedwetting til he was five or so. We just had a mattress protector and had to change the sheets unexpectedly every so often

I never prompted my child to use the loo and still haven't (I don't even say does anyone need a wee before we go out). On the other hand, I used to make it clear when I am doing something to manage my own bladder, eg saying, oh we are going to be on the bus for a long time, so I will go to the loo, just in case. Imo,telling them what to do makes them dependent on others to manage their weeing whereas modlling how you do it means they learn for themselves how to do it.

It’s such mixed messages. Some say just train them at this age just the oh crap

but he was really upset by the potty today just started getting worked ip

so in my gut I think maybe not ready yet? And also don’t want to I still a potty fear / hatred !

So if I keep practicing, showing him potty talking about it, going loo together pottt songs etc all the prep

in a months time it might work to sit and ‘train’?

But I’m not a shit mum if I come back to it am I?

he just got so worked up and we didn’t make any progress then

OP calm down. You’re not a shit mum if you recognise that your kid isn’t ready to learn something and you back off from it.

Leave the potty in the bathroom, but reduce down the talking about it. In a month or so, have a few days at home (as per oh crap) and see how he does. You’ll know fairly quickly if things are clicking or not. And if they are, he can go to nursery and keep learning there, and then you have another 4 days to learn at home.

I tried with my youngest at 2.5 because we had a good window and he just wasn’t ready. Back into nappies, tried again when he was 2y9m and it went much much better and he’s out of nappies. Some kids just need more time!

I found oh crap helpful as I liked something to refer back to and a bit of a plan and some structure - just go straight to chapter 5 for the method, skip the early chapters where she tells you why and when!

No course you’re not a shit mum! If it’s not the right time for either of you then it’s absolutely fine, he’s only 2.5 so no particular rush. I’d just say when you do do it then commit, be clear and be consistent. No mixed messages. If just for no other reason than there’s no point in dragging out for longer than you need to. Oh Crap is just one method. Ok so the author says it’s best for toddlers aged 20-30 months but you can always do a different method. And I personally think it’s easier under 3, because my kids at 3 were bloody stubborn but your kids aren’t my kids so trust your instincts!

(Thank you) I don’t know if it’s just who I’m surrounded by it’s just making me feel like have I left it too late but he was a bit behind speech wise and tends to do things I’d say nearer the end of the scale so not delayed but does things a bit later than peers - but still within the normal range if that makes sense?

In my
heart / gut I think if I try again in a month or two he may click but just keep up with keeping him informed casually ? I’ll speak to nursery too

Stop trying immediately and try again in a few months. Take the pressure right off. He’s still young.

For context, I tried with my son at 2yrs 3mo and it was a disaster, we were all so stressed. Three months later he told me he didn’t want to wear nappies anymore and it was suddenly a lot easier

This "modern" advice is verging on pandering and the reason so many kids start school in nappies these days!!

Fine to leave it a few weeks, but developmentally normal boys and girls are perfectly capable of toilet training long before they're 3 - day and night.

There is evidence that waiting too long is worse and sets them up for issues long term.

Id leave the potty out of somewhere viable and let him play with it. I'd forget about potty training for now. He's not ready. My eldest was trained by 2 1/2. The youngest at 3 1/4. My nephew was nearer 4. Not point in upsetting him.

That's interesting - can you point us to some of the advice?

Its not possible to train for night time dryness until the child is ready. For most kids that may be 3 or 4 but for some, boys especially, it may be as late as 10-12

Some helpful resources her but it is not the same as daytime dryness
https://www.cuh.nhs.uk/patient-information/nocturnal-enuresis-bedwetting-in-children/

Comments like this make me feel like my son is delayed or something for not being trained yet

long before they’re 3? I’ve seen plenty of comments after looking around mumsnet of kids who were potty trained just before or around 3 and everything seems fine

Probsbly same evidence that shows trying to force it causes issues and more frequent accidents rather than them being fully ready

If anything can make you feel like rubbish mum, it’s potty training, so I really understand how you feel. And although I said up thread that I used oh crap with my youngest and it was great, with my middle one I didn’t have a strategy per se and it was terrible. We tried around the age you’re at and got absolutely nowhere, and ended up doing it when he was about 3 1/2 and it all felt incredibly stressful and took absolutely forever. But in retrospect I don’t think it’s because I messed it up in some way. Potty training just happened to come at the age we were starting to see more challenging sides to my ds’s character in general. But you have to believe you will get there because I promise you will. So take a pause now if that’s what feels right. You have to be ready for it too and it sounds like you need a break/reset.

Thank you ❤️ honestly I’ve cried today so much. We have a 4 month old too so I think have I not educated him in time? But I’ve been wary of his big adjustment already I was scared to introduce potty and underwear etc when a new sibling was coming so I worried I left it late

i also knew in the early days I couldn’t sit and fully commit to it it sounds awful but I really struggled early on and with sleep deprivation I couldn’t put a plan in place. And he was even less ready then tbh he couldn’t tell me

at least now he does tell me and has obvious cues

i don’t know why I have this pressure to have it done right now when I could be worrying and in a month he may be there? Or two months etc x

Right, long post coming...

First off, all kids are different. You need to potty train your child when they are capable of doing it, for their own health and dignity. That may be now or it may not be for a while as it depends on your child.

Your child sounds capable to me - age, good communication skills (told you when they'd peed), aware of pee (as demonstrated by them telling you), and has decent bladder control (held it for ages when no nappy to go in). That all sounds really promising!

However, if you've just brought the potty out of the blue with no previous discussion and it's freaked him out and he's resistant and upset - I say abandon ship ASAP for now.

I would recommend talking about the potty and toilet. Take him with you to the toilet and explain what it has happening. Tell him soon, when he's a bit bigger, he will use the potty and he won't have nappies anymore. Buy underwear and show him them. Read stories about the potty, watch TV show episodes about it. Obviously not loads, just thread some references to it throughout the next few weeks. So it's familiar and he knows it's something that is coming.

Then in a few weeks, try again - stay home for a few days, try the bare bum/loosely Oh Crap method for the 4 days you have at home. If you've made NO progress in that time, I'd be super surprised, but fine, park it again for a bit. If you have made some progress - even if it's just a bit - send him to nursery with loads of spare clothes (ideally commando if they'll allow that, our nursery does) and commit and just continue.

I will end by saying I'm absolutely not a potty training expert, this is just based on a lot of reading I've done, and training my own kids - DD at 26 months (pretty easy and basically trained herself, unicorn potty trainer!), DS at 33 months (trickier but still fine. We are two weeks in now, commando, has the odd accident here and there, and still not fully comfortable with pooping and so is withholding a bit). I think DS would probably have been able to do it a few months ago but I had ill health for months until recently so it had to wait. Hes been dry overnight most nights for the past week too which has been a shock, as DD is 6 and still in nappies overnight! They are all different.

Oh Crap is a decent book but I never followed it as a bible, and the Eric website is great. You could also speak to your health visitor for guidance.

Is it 'modern' to leave it until later? I thought it was the opposite.
My mum left me and my two brothers until it just sort of happened, and that was many years ago. I can confirm none of us have any issues with our continence.
We had a really stressful time of it at about 2.5 with our child. Gave up for a couple of months and then tried again and it was so much smoother.
Also, people like to talk about it 'just clicking', but I'm sure that is not actually the case for a lot of children. It's a bit of a process.
Though I'm definitely not an expert.

Agree massively with @LegoHouse274 .

YYou definitely haven't messed up or missed the window for this. And as others have said,night dryness is kind of a separate thing.

My eldest trained incredibly quickly and easily at just under 2 and a half. She caught on in days, but like your DS sometimes got frustrated as she was holding it and kind of forgot how to let go. We used to sit get down and sing songs to get her to telax abd let it out. Within 2 weeks she was fully trained and we were done with nappies. Probably fewer than 5 accidents ever since then, and only when ill. She was dry at night from week 2 BUT only because she woke up for a wee like clockwork @3am. That didn't go till it suddenly went like magic one day a while year later - her body had started to produce the hormone so that she didn't need to wee at night.

Her brothers were totally different, btw. Totally cluelessat 2.5. Theyd just pee where they sat with no recognition whatsoever. Progress with them was very slow. They still have a nappy at night at nearly 4 because they don't wake up when they need to wee, they just pee and don't wake up till they are cold a coupleof hours later.

Id say your sonis ready, but it's worth preparing him and you. There are some great books for kids - pirate pete has a potty training one, for example. Lulu's loo is good too. I'dalso recmment chatting to nursery as you need to know what strategies they are willing to go along with as you don't wantto confuse him.

Good luck OP! I Wouldn't ever recommend trying to force a child who is distressed or not ready, partly because it just won't work! But a little bit of frustration is not a problem - remember when he learned to walk, did he just get up and spontaneously do it perfectly? No, I bet her tried a few times, fell over a fair amount and occasionally got frustrated. Learning difficult things is part of being a toddler. Have the same faith you did when he learned to walk.

you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. He just may not be ready. I have 3 kids, one was trained and done at 2.5, the other at 3 but didn't do a thing for me at 2.5 years and then I had the fella who was ok during the day but up until 5/6 years of age at night he went every time in the bed.

If he is interested in it, it is a sign he is ready. I got a Thomas tank engine potty, that every time he weed in it it whistled a song, thrilled he was, it really worked. So just wait a bit longer or get something like that?

I have to say I think it is one of the worst parts of having toddlers, best of luck.