I am a FTM to a beautiful baby girl. I have breastfed apart from the occasional small bottle of Kendamill ready to feeds. This was because my baby is small, and has been gaining weight slowly (we have gained support from the infant feeding team) essentially the occasional formula was to give me time to feed and express to build my supply up.
My mum is also a first time grandmother. My daughter is the first baby in my family for a very long time.
I'm not entirely sure where to begin other than to say that my mum's anxiety has played a slow burning role throughout my life. For instance, it's widely been talked about in my family about how my mum wouldn't let me nor my sister mix with other 'dirty' kids in the likes of play groups etc so she kept us at home; she didn't let us play out for fear something would happen to us. We didn't have a family car, although my dad could drive, which I thought was for financial reasons but really my mum has a fear of being a passenger on motorways. She took me to the doctors because she thought I had a lisp. She took me the doctors as I had a red rash on my leg but it was fluff of of my tracksuit. Now I see my mum's hyper vigilance probably led me to being a very anxious child.
My mum is also very controlling and wants every decision in mine and my sisters life to be passed by her. Of course I do not let this happen and I am perceived as being a rebel or generally living my life not up to her standards.
When I fell pregnant last year, my mum was so kind and supportive whilst I was pregnant. I had her as my birthing partner along with my husband, but again this was something I felt I had to do. Another thing with my mum is she is very easily upset but then equally so kind and generous it's very hard to say no to her. Especially as I am pretty easy going and not much bothers me so to have someone feel so strongly about certain decisions I do just usually go with her flow.
Sadly, two weeks before I fell pregnant, my maternal grandad passed away which just so happened to be on my wedding day (of course so many mixed feelings on this). He was very ill with Alzheimer's but had gotten an infection. My mum believes he died as relatives were feeding him by soon, and he forgot to swallow and then choked on that food. But I believe she changed her grief into the excitement of her first grandchild.
Now my mum's anxiety is in overdrive and it's getting harder and harder to parent around her. As I tried to feed my baby in public the other day, her feet touched the table I was sitting at so my mum (whilst observing me feeding) told me to watch my baby's feet. She worries about my dogs licking the baby. She tells me not to touch my baby's face, make sure my hands are clean if I feel around for an erupting tooth on my baby's gums. She won't let me dad walk around with her in case he drops her. She was hesitant about letting me husband do my baby's bum as he may have wiped back to front (she is telling me this as I was a couple of days post partum, having a blood transfusion whilst I'm still in hospital). She tells me not to do so much like going to groups in my baby via car as she worries about the journeys and mixing with other kids. She tells me not to let empty plastic bags in my home in case they float up and suffocate my child.
My mum also encouraged me to breastfeed, which I'm so glad she did, but did promise she would want to mind the baby to give me a break. In the second week of having my baby, I noticed my mum was delegating bottle feeding to other family members. I was happy as the guidance had said for other people, not mum, to try so baby gets used to it. Anyway, the baby wasn't so keen on the bottle but my mum wouldn't even try. She later told me it's because she's worried as her dad died of choking so she can't see the baby go through that. Anyway, with lots of practice I had to try and get the baby to take a bottle to help with her weight. But now, my mum won't even try to bottle feed and if the baby even coughs or sticks her tongue out she will stop in case she chokes.
But then again, my mum is so upset if I even suggest another family member seeing the baby, let alone mind her for me. She doesn't even trust the baby's dad, my husband, saying my daughter will only want me and it makes me feel massive amounts of mum guilt. My mum is also extremely jealous so won't let other family members near the baby, and if I've visited someone else it's lots of comments such as the baby won't know her own nan.
I know I seem like I'm moaning. And I know it's the job of every grandmother to worry about their grandchildren and I'm so lucky to have a mum who cares . There's more I can say but I feel I've said enough! Has anybody else been through this?
I am an experienced mental health practitioner and know my mum needs support , as I say, there's more I could say but i could be going on forever! I suggested to my mum she could be anxious and she can always talk to me but she got very defensive, always says she's fine and for me to leave it. Any difference of opinion leads my mum to want to argue so I've learnt to just let things go but she's really beginning to get on my nerves.
Thank you for reading if anyone gets this far!!