Looking for perspective/opinions on behaviour and language re husband and toddler.

[Rose2108]

I've read so many forums since having my son, but I've never posted anything! I'm genuinely looking for opinions, comments or feedback on the dynamics and differences between me and my husband and the way that we parent.

For context I want to say that he is a really good man/dad; I have a demanding job and 3 nights a week he does pick up, bath, bed, starts dinner before i get home. He also does his share of laundry, cleans the kitchen etc. The mental load is absolutely all on me (standard right?) So I plan every meal, food shop, childcare, social arrangement, mortgage renewal... you get the drift.

Anyway, something that's always bothered me is his temper. He doesn't lose it with me but if we were out at a gig or something and someone barges into me or spills a drink on him he gets so lairy and I hate it. I'm placid and think life is top short to ruin an evening over a stupid thing.

Anyway, now we are parents with a 3yo and one on the way. My son massively prefers me. Maybe normal for a toddler, but I think its down to the way we each interact with him. Sometimes, I hate the way he speaks to our son, but I don't know if I'm being dramatic. For example, today my son didn't want to give him a kiss goodbye so my husband said "sod you then". Later on, my husband said hello when we came back in and my son turned away and rejected him and he said "it's always a pleasure to see you too mate" in a really aggressive tone and walked off in a huff. I said in response, just give him a minute as he was all hot and bothered and he snapped at me and said he's always like this etc.

The other day my husband was supposed to do bedtime. I was pottering around but leave him to it when it's his turn. My son just cried and cried and said mummy mummy, so my husband gave up and said something rude to my son (something like oh I'm so glad I came up here to spend some time with you). I gently said I don't think comments like that helps the situation, and he snapped back at me "well sorry we can't all be as perfect as you", in front of our son and then walked off.

I've raised this with him before and he says that he's entitled to snap every now and then, how rubbish it is that our toddler rejects him and I always criticise him, I'm too soft with our son, etc.

What he doesn't realise is I literally do everything I can to get our son to want to spend time with him. I talk about how fun daddy is, how daddy loves him so much, he really wants to read him a story later, etc.

Are we just fundamentally different? Am I being harsh? Genuinely looking for opinions. Sorry for the ramble!!! Would absolutely love some advice or wisdom here.

I wouldn’t like it OP.
Your husband is acting as though your son is deliberately hurting his feelings. Like you say it isn’t unusual for a child to favour one parent for a period of time and this isn’t a personal rejection, usually just a phase.

Your husband needs to find better ways of communicating and learn to manage his anger better. He needs to model how to respond in these situations otherwise your son will think it is normal to throw toys out of the pram if something doesn’t completely go his way.

Thanks for your response. I think the same but he says I'm being dramatic etc. I just wish I could make him see I'm not just being critical, I genuinely want them to have the best relationship and it's really stressful for me aswell! I invest alot of time listening to podcasts about parenting and reading books and speaking to my friends for advice, i want to do the best job I can. I just wish he felt the same😣

Your husband needs to grow up but I'm actually relieved because I thought you were going to disclose something more awful iyswim. He is definitely going to have to get a grip of himself.

It’s really not ok for your DH to talk to his son like that.
Best with toddlers is distraction of fun.
I don’t know what the solution is but that’s an awful - and immature- way to speak to a child.
What fun things do they do together? My DC loved some rough play with their Dad. Or they would go to a cafe together on Saturday morning and I would have a lie in

Ah, that is really sad - for both of them.

I'm guessing your husband wouldn't be interested in parenting books or podcasts himself? There is a really good book that works well for flicking through rather than reading called How to Talk to Toddlers So They Listen or something like that. It's a gentle, fun approach - things like pretending the sock wants to eat your child's foot when your child won't play ball about getting ready. Just making stuff silly and taking the pressure off.

I would be gutted about this, so really appreciate where you're coming from OP.

This is so sad and awful. Children internalise their early communication. If he speaks to him like shit, he's going to grow up thinking he deserved it. And think how much worse it will get when your toddler starts properly speaking their mind or even the teenage years.
No advice but I feel for you OP.

I would be seriously unhappy with this. I'd be leaving him if he didn't get a serious reality check about the way he's speaking to a tiny child whose brain is still developing.

Absolutely awful. He's a petulant child.

Thanks everyone for your replies. The book sounds good, I'll have to get that and casually suggest he takes a look.

Yeah they do lots of fun things together, he takes him to football club and sometimes the cinema, also in the garden and to the park on his bike. He's definitely the "fun" parent in terms of playing and stuff. He tries really hard to have a nice time with him and I think that makes it worse for him when our son rejects him if you know what I mean. He says to me I try really hard, and then when I say one thing out of line, you criticise me...

It's so interesting having kids and seeing how people cope and change! Its only really been the last six months this preference has happened. I'm glad you all agree, it means I will keep trying to make him see where I'm coming from 🙂