Having a 2nd child

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Currently we have a 2 year old DS who is just the most amazing boy in the world.

We have been semi trying for a second. I had an early mis carriage about a year ago and since then we haven't been actively trying but haven't been actively not.

Thought I wanted a second always but now i just keep having doubts. We have a really settled life now. DS sleeps amazingly loves nursery and everyone is happy. Work is going well and I feel like we have got our shit together after such a big change.

I just keep thinking ...
How can I love anyone else as much as I love DS
Am I too old (nearly 37)
What if we can't afford it (we probably could but mortgage cost is through the roof)
No family nearby so its just us. Hard at times but we make it work
What will my work think? Will it impact my career?
How will DS feel about this?

I'm now just so worried a second will disturb our lives so much it will ruin it.

I guess I'm looking for positive stories or a down to earth don't do it then...

Also it's important to say that women have children at much older and are very happy and its very normal. It's just a thought I have amoung others

I have a 13 month old daughter and I can relate in some ways to you.
My instinct and heart tell me that I want another child but my head and reason say no.

if I think with my head I probably say, to you and to me, don’t have another one. I had such a traumatic year, my baby was so difficult to manage, had colic, bad reflux and to this day is a terrible sleeper. I had no help from anybody and I might have struggled with PPD but didn’t talk to anybody about it. I don’t think I could go through it again and let my current daughter see me in that state if I do get again. One part of me is happy to be a little family of three, more time for us all, less stress, more money and more attention to raise my daughter in the best way possible. more opportunities for her too, I.e university and other experiences.

But my heart would like to give my daughter a sibling to grow up with so maybe she would not feel lonely and also I see tiny babies around and get a bit broody. I’m 33 years old and if we decide to have another one it has to be sooner tha later because if I wait for too long I’ll probably not want it anymore. Now I’m still fresh from the newborn infant phase.

but children don’t stay babies for long, they will need attention, support and financial help for all of our lives basically. It’s no joke raising children so I’m afraid I will probably not have another because “better regret not having kids than having them” and because I feel grateful for what I already have.

I had my second just before DS1's second birthday. Best thing I did. Watching them grow together and be best buds has been amazing. So much so I've added another! Honestly, you can and will love them the same. Your heart just grows. It's incredible.

I found out I was pregnant when my dd was 8 months old and honestly, I was devastated. I had no idea how I'd cope with two and like you, I worried that I'd never be able to love another child as much as I loved her.
Adjusting to two was hard at first but we soon settled into a routine and now, I feel that having a second is the best thing I did.

They're 5 and 6 now and they are both so amazing! My eldest is very academic, kind, creative and thoughtful.
My youngest is a live wire but has a heart of gold and is the funniest person I've ever met. She has me crying with laughter on a daily basis.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family but having a second isn't so scary xx

Similar story here, fell pregnant on DD’s first birthday (too much fizz!)

It was tough, but I wouldn’t change it for the world now and in a funny way I’m sort of glad our hands were forced by DS being keen to join us. It’s made our family.

Theres nothing wrong with being one and done but I guess it’s what would upset you more, finding out you were pregnant tomorrow or finding out tomorrow you’d never have another?

I got pregnant when ds1 was 22 months. Had similar thoughts to you. Ds1 was a brilliant toddler. Calm, sweet, easy, sleeping through the night at 17 months old...

DS2 is an absolute whirlwind but I wouldn't change it. It has been hard adjusting though. We also have no family nearby and I had some mild ppd. DS2 doesn't sleep as well as ds1 did. He climbs everything, is always on the move (ds1 would sit there in the sand pit for an hour, or playing with a kitchen spoon and barely move). I'm constantly making sure he doesn't injure himself and at 18 months old...still not sleeping through the night. Teethes worse than his brother. But he's so incredibly loving, gives cuddles and kisses, loves dancing and other children. Ds1 and DS2 adore each other. Hugs when ds1 comes back from nursery, chasing each other around, ds1 sticks up for his brother when he's being told off or if other children take things away from him. He completes our little family. I look at his cheeky little grin and am so happy he's here.
It's much easier now the first year is over. I'm not a baby fan lol, much prefer the toddler years. I've got both boys tomorrow so we're going to head out to the shop, stop by a cafe together, visit the library then play in the garden and I very much look forward to these days now!

When my daughter was 2 I thought I would only ever have 1. It took until 2 to recover from severe pnd and pyschosis. She has multiple food allergies and reflux and has outgrown neither.
When she turned 3 weeks started to feel like maybe we would have the headspace to risk going through it again. It has taken 8 months to get my meds suitable for pregnancy and during this time I had some counselling with my HV to unpack our first year and the difficulties parenting a reflux and allergy child. We felt ready to start trying and I'm currently pregnant. It's still early days but we definitely feel hopeful about life with a newborn again and as a family of 4. Having someone to talk it through with really made a difference and we had one session with both of us.
I'm 37 in December so similar life stage to you.

I never had the urge for a second child but went ahead because we didn't want an only. 2.5 year gap.
20 years on and it has been fantastic. Watching my two grow and interact and share experiences over the years as siblings has been the single best part of parenting.

I felt exactly the same as you. We waited to have a 4 year age gap so DS1 was going to school and it's the best decision we could have made!

Tbh all your arguments are arguments for having no children. You know the love for a child is immense and you don’t love anything else less because you love your child- and the only thing I love more than being with either of my children is seeing them together.

This makes me happy to hear. My little one will be 4 in a few months. We started ttc when she just turned 3 but have been struggling to fall pregnant the second time around. I was worried about the age gap getting bigger but it also has its benefits. Hopefully it happens soon x

We have a 4.5 year old and almost 2 year old, and there were a lot of mixed feelings when pregnant again (our age gap is just under 3 years). Our daughter was so much fun at 2-3 and it all felt so special that the change felt scary. What I will say is that we gave our daughter and son a best friend for life. His face lights up a room at her when the reaction is mediocre to us. He adores her and always has. She adores him (finally, though it wasn't instant and there were some feelings/lashing out at the start). The first year is brutal. I'm not going to lie. They are so different and into different activities, different sleep schedules, the exhaustion, night sleep regressions etc. We very much had to divide and conquer which took a toll on our marriage. Logistically it was frustrating, fitting multiple car seats in, holidays getting more expensive for flights, not being able to travel much between 9months - 18 months with the baby as long flights were impossible. It wasn't twice as hard, it was 100x as hard, but we are nearly through it and it feels great as we are getting to the playing together stage. You've got to do what is right for you, and two is tricky at the start, but we are really lucky and appreciate every moment of what we have. If it makes you feel better, our friends have 3 easy going, lovely children who are calm, polite and sweet. Ours are somewhat ferral, so you don't know what you will get, if anything at all, but some people get the sweet placid lovely ones two times over (not us, though we enjoy the craziness now).

There's 2.5 years between my 2. I always knew I wanted 2 but I also had major worries that I'd never love anyone as much as I did DD and that DD is so bright and loving, a brilliant eater and sleeper and what if the second wasn't like that? Also how would DD feel not being the only one and having to share our attention?
Then along came DS and I can honestly say I love him every bit as much as his sister and seeing the bond between the 2 of them and how much she cares for and adores him is so special. He's 8mo now and is also a fantastic eater and a great sleeper and hes the happiest little boy who constantly smiles which I'm very grateful for and know we're very lucky. Yes, there are hard times and when they both want something at the same time it's stressful and I also had pnd with both (less severe with 2nd child) but our family just feels complete now and I couldn't ever imagine us not having the 2 DC.

I got pregnant with my second when my eldest had just turned 1. It was a shock and I had similar feelings to what you're saying.
I do love my second as much as my first absolutely. No question.
We did move areas as money was an issue but we didn't think about it, just did it! Glad we did because they're no way we would have afforded our old house etc!
I had no family help and did most of it on my own, yes it was hard sometimes but would I change it? Absolutely not!!
My eldest was a brilliant big brother from the day I bought the new baby home, we kept him involved during the pregnancy as much as we could (considering he was only 1.. as much as he could understand!) He loved my baby bump and would hug it all the time lol
The new baby didn't disturb our life, he slotted right in.
Hope that helps in some way op!
Oh and they're 8 and nearly 10 now, the closest brothers and best of friends 🩵

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
It's really helpful to hear opinions and experiences on this from people who have felt the same

I remember feeling the same. We nearly stuck with one then we went on holiday and saw all the siblings playing in the beach and dd was 2 and on her own. In that moment I said, I wasn’t a second. Dh just tired and said, yep, me too.

dd1 is now 16 and my second is almost 13 and turned out to be twins, which was totally bonkers but I love how they are with each other and we laugh a lot with their mix of characters. Love wise, your heart grows.

Update on this...

I have just discovered I'm pregnant. Well, I think. It's very early - period was due today but test looks very positive.
Was not expecting it.. me and DP have been like ships in the night and I think have got down to it once since I wrote this!

I'll do another test tomorrow as its still very early and obviously anything can happen but I'm... scared, happy... had a cry on the bathroom floor just now of total mixed emotions.

Thanks for all your positive stories. May need them sooner than I thought

@Cluelessfirstimer how's it all going?? I came across this thread coz I'm facing the same dilemma but with different reasons. I'm.36 and have a wild 18 month old. I had 2 miscarriages before him so I need to get going for number 2 but Im just not sure I can do this again. Pregnancy was awful, the baby stage was truly awful, and now he's a toddler he's wonderful and I adore him but I'm still finding it bone achingly exhausting (even though we sleep now). I feel devastated at the idea of him being an only child, it's never what I wanted, but honestly, it might be what I need.
.. I just don't know if I can..some of the replies on here are hopeful though

Did you make any decisions? I’m here for the same reason!

@aliboob44 after a lot of soul searching and back and forth we've basically decided to try again but I'm still shit scared tbh. We've just started trying this month, my son is 2 years 3 months and I've just turned 37, I'd happily put it off years if I could but I can't. My partner is basically very sure he wants a second and has never wavered, so although I wonder if it's right for us him feeling so certain is quite compelling. I think if he was on the fence itd be difficult... But let's see what this next conception journey has in store for me, am v aware it might be taken out of my hands anyway... Good luck with your decision! No 'easy' or 'right' answer is there... Xxx