Family court

[TheLilacZebra]

Hi everyone,

I put a post on here back in march. In short I was involved in a very toxic relationship for the past 3 years with my ex. I left him before our child was born in march due to his alcohol and drugs use. He has also been verbally and physically abusive throughout the relationship but I never went to the police. he would threaten to kill me and told me if I ever crossed him I’d know about it

after our baby was born he shook him at 3 days old and shouted wtf is wrong with you when baby wouldn’t stop crying. He also pushed me 3 times when I was holding our baby. And also shouted in our babies face as a way to “settle” him - in a bid of who showing baby who was boss in his words.

I didn’t go to the police and I know this was wrong of me and I should have but I was terrified of what he would do.

in short he would also makes threats throughout the 3 years, and one time he followed through with a threat and rang the police on me. He falsely accused me of being aggressive towards him, all of which wasn’t true but he wanted to scare me and it worked.

we had court today and he has raised that I am an agressive person and have had to call the police in the past. I didn’t get to explain the truth behind this even though I have no evidence. What can I do about this??

i have also been ordered by the court to pay for his drug test? Is this normal protocol?
I feel I am now getting the brunt of accusations due to his lies. I am at a loss where to turn I really don’t want to lose our baby. Especially after everything he did during the first couple of weeks of his life.

please help

@TheLilacZebra bumping this for you

and bumping for the @TheShellBeach

Thank you so much ❤️

tho I have a feeling this is not the right place either, as I see it is Parenting and I think TheShellBeach suggested ' relationships '

we shall see...

or even in ' legal ' ?

What was the outcome.of your baby being shaken? Hospital reports?

Do you not have a solicitor?

we had court today and he has raised that I am an agressive person and have had to call the police in the past. I didn’t get to explain the truth behind this even though I have no evidence. What can I do about this??

Does he have a police record at all regarding his drug / alcohol abuse, as well as his abusive behaviour? Did he actually call the police on you before?

Don't worry, if you have done nothing wrong, nobody will take your baby away.

I do have a solicitor but I’m not sure how good. He assured me I wouldn’t have to see him in court etc but all his reassurance went out the window on the day.

I have no idea if he has a police record. I do know when I was with him he continually drove whilst on drugs and drink but idk if he was ever caught. Due to circumstances of the threats he would make I would never of thought to call the police at the time.

yes he called the police on me once. He was angry one night and I begged him to take me home, he wouldn’t do it and told me to walk (miles from my house 2am in December) the more I begged the angrier he got and so he called the police claiming I wouldn’t leave the house and he wanted me out.

in terms of baby being shook, it wasn’t the most aggressive shake that it caused any harm. But a shake nonetheless, he was screaming at baby swearing when he did it. At this point he was also hurting me after the surgery. And he wouldn’t let me be alone with the midwife to report at the time.

Is your solicitor via legal aid? If so, your legal aid certificate will pay for the drug testing, not out of your pocket, which would explain why the court directed that.

No I didn’t qualify for legal aid. I am on maternity and as a teacher I have been receiving back pay due to the pay rise here. So my pay atm is just slightly too high to receive legal aid. I paid £600 for the test 2 weeks ago.

Wow, I have never heard of this.

Have you had a Cafcass safeguarding letter? That should tell you if he has a police record. Cafcass should also have spoken to you to give you a chance to express your concerns, has that happened? I am assuming you’re in England and Wales though, perhaps you aren’t.

So sorry you're going through this OP. . I'm afraid my experience of Family Court is that they are spectacularly bad at dealing with male violence.

Call Women's Aid, they may be able to provide advice.

Write down details of all of his violence, threats and control - to you but 100% to the baby (they should take that more seriously, they may not). It may be worth reporting them to the Police even at this late stage.

Are you safe? If you can, invest in a Ring doorbell - definitely worth its weight in gold.

Sending hugs 🫂

Shaking a tiny baby can detach the retinas in their eyes. Did you take baby for hospital check up after it happened? You must report incidents as they occur because your baby only has you to protect it. Did you tell anyone else at the time about shaking? If so you could still go to the police now with the person you told at the time so they can see it's not you just making it up now.

No I haven’t got this: I’m in Ireland, not sure if that is a thing here?

I'm sorry I have no idea on any of it, but it might be worth asking for this to be moved to legal. There are sometimes more knowledgeable people on that board. I'm sorry for what you and your LO have been through, it's horrible when they try to make out you're the abusive one when they've treated you and your LO so badly. Good on you for getting you both out of their, I hope the court see's through hie bullshit.

Ah, no, it’s not. I’m not sure how the family courts work in Ireland, sorry. It sounds awful though.

Currently there is a judge who is covering family court cases despite not being a family court judge and it seems he will be the one dealing with the next hearing too.

he was very on the side of the father it seemed and gave me a hard time in the court. His barrister was very quick with comments, seems he managed to fill her in in good time before court. (Fill in with lies but obviously the court won’t recognise this)
meanwhile my solicitor only told me at half 4 the day before that he had got me a barrister and I only met her 5 mins before she went into court. Needless to say I felt like a sitting duck in court, all questions aimed at me and my barrister said very little.

I have been in contact with women’s aid, and I have noted the violence over the past year during pregnancy, before pregnancy it was just normal that I didn’t really see him as absuive I was just caught up in loving him that much.

again I’m not sure it’s worth reporting to police now, we aren’t in any contact so I don’t think I’ll be taking seriously. Having said that after everything I haven’t left the house alone ever, I feel my maternity days with little one were robbed of me bc I couldn’t find the courage to take him out.

the dad got his first supervised visit last week. 15 minutes before the end his mum pulled into the car park with his sister. Despite plenty of spaces around the place she proceeded to pull her car up beside me blocking other cars and not even in a proper space. She sat glaring for 15 minutes. When the social worker handed baby back and went inside the sister proceeded to get out of the car. As I friend my car I had to drive past them as there was no way out and the sister stood seemingly waiting for me. Both glared in disgustingly and proceeded to laugh at me as I drove past. I could see in the mirror the sister got back in the car as soon as I had driven past. My worries of being out alone and bumping into them were confirmed by this last week. I have just got a dash cam atm and when I move house I will be getting a ring camera, I’m just hoping they won’t find out where I live.

So sorry to hear that it is grim - and yes I had my ex's mum following me to the toilet in the Family Court so clearly nothing changes. I think you need to document his violence somewhere, whether to the Police or a statement to the Court. If CAFCASS get involved they should take evidence from both of you equally (doesn't always happen).

I wish I could tell you that it will all be fine, I can't, but I will say that this is far better for your baby than having him in the house 24/7.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through similar!😞

I have had to make a statement to the court after the last hearing, my statement has gone in first meaning he will get a chance to reply to it and accuse me of lying I assume (I haven’t received it yet) seems unfair that we couldn’t put the two statements in at the same time.

I noted a lot of the abuse, more so focusing on how he treated me during pregnancy and what he did to me and baby after the birth. My solicitor only submitted one photo, despite sending him numerous texts, audio clips and other images. So I’m completely baffled by it all. He simply said the court won’t want to read it. Which I do understand but this is a little baby’s life, who I can’t trust to hand over to an abusive man with anger issues.

@TheLilacZebra

How are things now ?