Who organises contact?

[drainedparent]

i have a 4y Son, I’m 23, ex (sons dad) is 25 and new gf has just turned 20

ex introduced son to gf 6 weeks after meeting her (not 6w being together, after they met). He moved her in. They both smoke weed and after boundaries being breached, I told sons dad to not have gf stay until boundaries were re discussed. He refused to have this convo as his new gf didn’t want me and him to be alone together. After picking my son up one day he smelt of weed. I’ve seen social media of her smoking joint in the bedroom, asked sons dad he said it ‘wasn’t lit’, his gf sister is a police officer, so clearly they spoke to her to get away with it

ive not messaged sons dad for contact as he verbally abuses me every time we speak, however he was more than welcome to message me asking about contact. He missed son’s reception meeting and settling in session. Didn’t ask how it went either.

he then called me a week ago (at this point hadn’t seen son for 2 weeks), he passed the phone to his gf who called me a slag, commented on my weight, parenting, everything. All because I messaged her a month ago telling her my ex tried making a move onto me, and she called me a liar and said I wanted him back (I didn’t).

i asked on the phone why hasn’t he seen his son, and she kept making excuses for him. Apparently said I’ve stopped him from seeing our son, haven’t. Even though we haven’t discussed bondaries I still dropped him off. He didn’t message me. Then she said he didn’t want to deal with me.

personally I think he’s just lazy and selfish and just wants me to drop son off, no boundaries and just pick him up and have no problems.

I then messaged later on In the week asking when would be a good time to talk about son’s school and the weekend. He read my message and didn’t reply.

so for hours on the phone she banged on about how he was waiting for me to message (even though it shouldn’t be on me to do this) and then he doesn’t reply when I did. I’m sick of being blamed for everything

when we finally talk about contact. Am I in the right for thinking it should be him asking me? Also I don’t feel safe my son staying there when they smoke weed indoors, but I don’t know where I stand legally. Obviously I want him to see his dad, but I don’t know what boundaries and contact to suggest. He quit his job to get out of child maintenance so I’m worried he’d be awarded 50:50 and overnights even though I don’t think that’s in my sons best interests especially when he’s only 4

OP it should absolutely be HIM pursuing the contact and if he isn't getting in touch, then for God's sake don't approach him because the less contact your son has with this weed smoking loser the better. It sounds like he would be very very unlikely to get himself together to go to court. It sounds like he's lost interest in his son already which is sad but probably for the best for his son as his dad sounds like a total waste of space.

But I would never contact the girlfriend again, and only respond to his Dad about contact. Apart from that I wouldn't contact them at all, ever. No reason to. And if you get any evidence about the weed etc then screenshot it and keep it in case he does ever pursue 50-50, which is unlikely.

He needs to make contact with you not him. I am very concerned about the drug taking and I would be making it clear son is to not be visiting that house until you're 100% clear there are no drugs. I'm sure if it got nasty the police would be in your favour if there are drugs in the household.

Never contact the gf again. If she calls, don't answer. She has no right to contact you and has been abusing you.

Write down everything that's happened so far, keep screenshots of drug use etc.

Is the dad on the birth certificate? If not, he'd have to first go to court to get on it. If so, it doesn't really matter, it's about parental responsibility not rights, and he's not taking responsibility.

Send one message that says "Hello, please let me know when you'd like to talk about getting frequent updates on DS school and getting involved in parent evenings etc, and a schedule for you to see him when there are no drugs around". Or something along those lines - basically making it clear the ball is in his court now and if he wants contact it's up to him, this will show you have tried, if he ever does take it to court (very unlikely though, so another option is to not send this message and just see what happens, if he does contact you again to to citizens advice or women's aid doe advice).

That’s what I thought too but they get into my head so much. I’m always the problem no matter what I do. And I know that’s what u was secretly thinking, if he doesn’t get in contact then less chance of my son being in that environment. My concern is, is that I cant prove the drugs, especially smoking it inside the home, so I’m worried they’d be granted overnights anyways. There is a high chance he’d take me to court, as his girlfriend’s family will heavily heavily support him to do so. Her mam is a foster carer, they’re a ‘good’ family. Unsure how as their daughter smokes weed too

I don’t contact her at all. Especially when she said I had caused her miscarriage and I hadn’t. I answered the phone because it was my son’s dad calling and he passed it to her where she called me a slag, every name under the sun for 2 hours. Everything about my weight and everything. I’ve screenshotted everything I can, but because her sister is a police officer they know how to play the system. You can see her smoking a joint in the bedroom, but they hit back with ‘it wasn’t lit’. I collected my belongings which he brought downstairs the other month, and they stunk of weed. How when they were upstairs?

Yes unfortunately on the birth certificate. Everything was fine until this year. We could conparent more than fine, had days out with our son. It was when he got a gf, he wanted everything his way. He met his girlfriend end of March, and 11th of May he Introduced son and girlfriend. They hadn’t even been dating a month. She’s putting her needs before my son. She was like ‘sorry can’t put a timeframe on when you fall in love’ and when I said she couldn’t stay when my son was there she stayed on FaceTime instead and she went ‘well sorry I wanted to see my boyfriend’

hes cancelled Saturdays to be with her. They’re both being so selfish. Lying about smoking weed inside just to make themselves look better, when it’s my son’s health at risk. I must admit I knew he smoked weed but it was always outside

he quit work to get out of child maintenance. He earned around £325 a week. They said pay me £37 or £47 a week I can’t remember. He didn’t so it went to collect from his wages which was £63. He quit like 2 weeks later and only works 16 or something so he can get UC. I haven’t received any child maintenance. I only put a claim in dec 2024 because he wasn’t contributing to our son financially but could afford weed. And now he’s quit his job. But will pay for weed and not his son

I did send a message Friday last week asking when he was free to talk about sons school and the weekend and he read my message

That’s what I’d hope but I’ve been reading online and apparently they aren’t bothered as it’s ’personal Use’. He’s always smoked weed he will never stop. I don’t want my son going round but I’m worried it would be granted in the future

So just don't contact again until they contact. To be honest, it sounds like you have some trauma - you didn't need to stay on the phone for two hours being abused. No one can treat you like that and you need to find a way to convince yourself that's not ok, and it's not setting a good example for your kid. You deserve better.

Try not to worry about the future too much. Keep records, reach out to citizens advice or women's aid so that's on record too.

Yuk, just cut contact altogether.

Your ex is a drug taker, he's not bothered about your child, and can't be bothered to show up from one week to the next. His gf is foul mouthed and just as nasty/ignorant.

If you don't pursue contact, he'll just fade out of your child's life completely. It'll be much better for your child when he does. No child needs a father like that.

I do have lots of trauma. I did have it on record what she said to me. I just wanted to defend myself. I should’ve hung up earlier. It was so cruel what she said. Especially commenting on my parenting is ironic considering her boyfriend 😂 she was saying my weight was a mental illness and she’s worried for my son’s safety because I believe my own lies. When what kick started it was I messaged her ages ago saying her boyfriend tried cheating on her with me, I said no because I’m not interested and he’s in a relationship. Now I know I should’ve saved drama and said nothing. But she said I’m jealous etc when it was me that broke up with him😂

I hope he fades out if his behaviour continues on like this. My heart breaks my son saying daddy is his best friend and can he go to daddy’s house. I just wish time could rewind because our parenting was so okay until he met her. I don’t get why he puts his girlfriend before his son. I think he’s just scared of being alone and single and he’s scared of losing her

Having trauma is hard but it's really important to work on it for your kid. There's no point trying to defend yourself against someone who is clearly unhinged! No need to listen to someone abusing you, ever, under any circumstances.

Thank you, I have a cpn (mental health nurse) and when I’ve gained weight hopefully I can have ptsd for my sons labour. I grew up in care. So god knows what the underlying trauma is, but just want my son safe and I can’t trust his dad especially when he lies 😭 it’s so sad because before girlfriend I never doubted my sons safety with him

They don't sound mature enough to be in charge of a child. Leave them to it. Block the girlfriend on everything, if she continues to harrass you, approach the police. Don't contact Dad again. If he contacts regarding DS, keep discussions brief. 'Yes you can see DS at X time, goodbye'. If he tries to to speak about anything else/abuse you say 'I am only interested in coparenting so I'm going to hang up now'. Otherwise ignore him, if he texts you abuse keep a copy, reply with an email address he can use for contact and block his number. Keep proof of everything. He is very clearly a loser, don't give him any headspace.

The Freedom programme might help if you haven't already done this.

It all sounds messy, difficult and you all sound very young.

Treat this like a professional relationship, you are linked to this man forever because you have a child together, but you are no longer in a romantic relationship, and it sounds like that line has been a bit blurry if you were texting his girlfriend that he was hitting on you just a couple of months ago.

Contact is about best interests of the child, it's about maintaining parental relationships so your son has the opportunity to be in touch with both his parents.

If this ever went to court then that would be what the judge would be advocating for.

Keep any discussions between you and your ex only, if the girlfriend is put on the call, ask in a measured tone to be put back on with your ex and advise that if that doesn't happen you'll end the call. If it doesn't happen, end the call. Every time, consistently, no shouting, no returning abuse, force yourself to not engage, not respond. You remove any satisfaction your ex's girlfriend may get from the conversation if you do not engage in it.

Keep any messages to your ex short, to the point, polite and about your son, not about your past relationship or his girlfriend, just about contact or issues that are directly related to your son like school applications or uniform and so on.

There are parenting apps for communication. You could set one up and change your number, so all contact goes through that. Certainly you should block her if she has your number.

He’s messaged his mum tonight asking for our son this weekend but hasn’t messaged me directly. I don’t think it’s fair going through his mum as it puts her in the middle.

also I need to talk to him as I don’t feel safe son staying as they smoke weed but I don’t even know where to start with organising contact. Feel like I’m gonna cry with stress