Feeling like a failure as a mum and wife

[LeF88]

I dont really know where to start, or what i expect to gain from posting-maybe just a safe space to be brutally honest?! Please be kind and bare with me.
I am 35 years old married and have 3 boys (11,8,3).
I always wanted to be a mum, more so when i was diagnosed with POS and was told may not happen. I met my husband who is the love of my life over the years welcomed our boys- everything i ever wanted and hoped for, i have but its far from the life i imagined.
My eldest was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3, then ADHD aged 7.
My middle has behaviour issues and terrible anger, he is awaiting assessment for ADHD, i tried to manage his behaviour which was evident even when he was a toddler, after all was it learnt behaviour watching his older brother? (A big mistake on my part, i should have got him help, but then covid hit and now waiting lists are almost 3 years).
we welcomed our youngest during covid, he was a hard baby, colic and completely hated sleep or being out of your arms, as he grew we knew saw the all too familiar traits, but this time even more evident, after meeting with health visitors and paediatricians he is also in process of being diagnosed with autism (and likely ADHD).
Im not explaining all this for sympathy, just to give you a picture.
I love my boys more than anything in this world, i would walk through walls for them. BUT….
my home life is a constant battle, they are high functioning and actually hate eachother, constant fights, arguing they trigger eachother. It takes hours to get them asleep (start the process at 7pm and still trying to get them to settle anywhere between 10/12am), they are then awake from 5am EVERYDAY im exhausted.
I work full time as a nurse, the bigger boys are at school but my eldest is very unsettled as he gets ready to leave primary school, my youngest is in nursery although he is settled they struggle, and are trying to get funding for 1:1 support.
my husband tries to help he really does but nothing works to calm things, they demolish my house, throwing and smashing things, constantly shouting and screaming. We have tried everything behaviour charts, rewards, consequences nothing helps they genuinely do not care.
We dont get any alone time, which is impacting how our relationship is, no one can cope with them so we cant ask anyone to baby sit.
i feel so alone and down, i feel like im failing them because im not coping, i just do not know what to do anymore.
ive been on antidepressants, my blood pressure is now going crazy and i am getting heart palpitations, i feel like if my brain doesnt give up my body certainly will.
sorry long post i just needed to say what i struggle to say out loud somewhere, just so its out there and no longer just in my thoughts (i probably sound so stupid).

The situation sounds incredibly stressful and demanding, op. You are far from a failure, you're doing an amazing job coping with a very difficult situation. But you can't manage this alone, you need to get some proper support. Have you spoken to the head teacher of your sons' school?

I have but they dont really say much, i have one plan meetings. They have spoken to the boys about being caring and respectful but the kids just strug it off. Theres very limited support to my eldest to transition from primary to secondary which is really impacting him. I just feel like im supposed to be strong and hold it together but am in tears on a daily basis, so how am i being effective for them? We live in a tiny village in the middle of no where we used to live on the boarder of london but my kids struggled with how busy it was and the hustle and bustle, but this has isolated us more from support from services and waiting lists are crazy long and your left hanging on my the skin of your teeth Xx

Me too OP but we stopped at 2. I was devastated at the time but husband felt he couldnt cope with any more ND children. We love them but it stretches us so thin.

Our eldest is also autistic with ADHD and a handful of learning difficulties and youngest has ADHD and a few less severe LD than his brother. They way they trigger each other is so insane, its something else....far more intense and dangerous than typical sibling annoyances.

We have got to the point of getting Early Help caseworker involved but not sure if it will actually help much.

Can you ask for any respite care? Do either of the older two have an EHCP?

Its so hard. None of my close friends are in the same boat and one of them actively minimises and dismisses our struggles which really hurts.

I get it...this life has impacted;

My career
Our income
Our marriage
Family relationships
Our sanity
Sibling relationships
My positivity levels and my outlook on the world and life.

I wouldnt wish our bad days on my worst enemy. Ive been beaten, bitten, had my hair pulled out....house trashed....

I dind Yvonne Newbold's videos on Youtube very helpful.

DM if you wish xxx

You sound like a thoroughgoing success.

Its so hard, and harder when the people around you dont understand.
I know we are not alone, but god does it feel like it doesnt it?
its so hard to love people so deeply and unconditionally, who are also the reason that you feel so alone.
over the last 8 years we have tried so many support groups and services but nothing has made an impact, i just feel so lost, i know i cant give up but i feel so close to breaking

To other MNers with similar experiences, what did you do to get help--who did you approach, what did you say? Is there a fast track to getting support, and if so how can OP get on it?