Can I canvas views on teens and alcohol

[Porridgewithcream]

I've name changed for this. I've been mulling this over for a while and am really interested to hear what others think.

I have a DS15 and a DD13. Lots of their friends are drinking at social events. Christmas drinks parties, on holiday, in the pub (covertly bought by parents) and at parties. Some manage this ok, others are visibly drunk and a few have been really sick. I don't know if it's just our local area, or if it's widespread and just the new normal? The parents do a bit of eye rolling, but honestly seem proud of how 'grown up' they seem. Some as young as 12 drinking 'zero' beer during the football.

I know this makes me seem out of touch, like some Victorian couple, but DH and I are secretly horrified by this. 😱 It just seems so young and normalising something that not good for young teens. We've talked to our kids about it and they seem quite relaxed. We've agreed 16 and trying beer / wine at home with meals and then more from them. Both are quite sporty and my DD is adamant that she never wants to drink and can't see the point: that may well change as she gets older. DS says he imagines he'll enjoy drinking at parties and eating out, but that he doesn't want it to be too often that it impacts his fitness.

I've picked a few brains about it and the reasoning is that they are keen to experiment, so better to do this around adults and that it is not romanticised / made special. I do see the appeal in this, but that's what we're hoping to do several years later than everyone else.

What happens in your group of friends / your area? Any advice on how to handle it all without causing more problems down the line? Thank you..

13 is very young for this imo. Sociable 15 year-olds I'd expect to be sneakily drinking if they were at parties or just round at each other's houses, but parents shouldn't be buying them booze and sending them off to get drunk with their friends. Trying a glass of wine at home on a special occasion with a meal is a different thing imo.

I believe the research shows worse outcomes for those with parents who do the ‘better with me first than with others’ ie leading to younger and more drinking. Listened to a podcast about this recently - think it was the ‘Raising Good Humans’ podcast.

We offered ours the odd drink for example at Christmas from about 14-15. Normally they'd have a sip of a bucks fizz but never even a half glass.

DS2 now 17 will sometimes have a drink when we're in a restaurant, DS1 19 will order one and drink half. DD 14 strongly anti.

We do drink ourselves but really only in moderation - it's no good telling them to be sensible if you're packing a bottle of wine away every night.

The boys went out to bars from about 16 and would have one or two drinks max - we can see their bank card spending so fairly sure - not in UK so no issues getting under aged drinks!

Most of their friends drink a bit, there's always one who gets drunk at parties but it's only one. Compared to my generation they're practically tea total.

I'd basically offer a small drink on a family occasion but not make a big deal out of it. You still control the purse strings and the going out for a few years yet so can help them make sensible habits.

You and your kids sound sensible, they're more 'grown up' than the ones going along with the herd and making themselves sick. My dd didn't drink anything till some Prosecco at Xmas just before she turned 18 (though we'd asked her if she wanted to try wine when we were having it at home before that).

I was probably 9 when my parents would give us "wine" at Christmas. It reality it was about a teaspoon of wine in a lemonade which was a treat in itself.
By the time I was 14 it might be 1/4 wine 3/4 lemonade.
At 15 my gran gave me a hot chocolate with a shot of brandy in when I was staying with them with a bad cold. This was probably a bit much but I was just grateful it wasn't a spoonful of cider vinegar
Alcohol was never a forbidden fruit even though it was heavily curtailed. I think giving teenagers a small taste of alcohol in a safe environment can make alcohol less appealing but they shouldn't be having beyond 1 unit at celebrations once or twice a year. Half a shandy or a 50ml glass of prosecco. They certainly shouldn't be given anywhere near enough to ever get drunk or out of control.
In my experience those that had the worst experiences with alcohol in teenaged years where those that have complete free reign and had access to drink far more than advised and those that had a completely ban.

My daughter is 16 and will occasionally have a glass of wine with dinner. She went to a house party recently and I understand there was a few big bottles of blue WKD which brought back some memories for me. She said she tried beer too but hated it so just stuck to the WKD. I'm sure there was probably more and worse if teenagers today are anything like what I was like at 16, but my daughter is mercifully far more sensible than me so I trust her to be careful.

13 is very young to be social drinking though, anything more than a Snowball at Christmas is too much at that age imo.

I don't know about the "new normal"

I'm 47 and this was standard when I was a teen. I didn't drink much (could
Never hold my drink)

It's hard and often down to luck
28 year old doesn't barely drink
18 year old out most weekends, drinks a lot but only seen him "drunk" once.
17 year old most his friends drink he will go out with a 4 pack of beer and come back with 3. Finds it dull
14 has vowed to never drink until 18 and probably won't as she is bloody minded and has a £5 bet with about 8 family members!
We both drink never really offered until they were 16/17 they are all super super sporty though so think that makes a difference.

Some of ds' class (age 16) drink, some don't. Some vape, some don't.

I've offered ds a glass of beer, wine or cider when we go out to dinner, since he was 14. He has always refused, won't touch anything. He knows I'm relaxed about it but won't even try it on the basis he likes water. It's his call.

I let my 16 year old drink a few WKDs or ciders. I would go mad if I caught him vaping

I have a 13 yo and I think she is too young for alcohol. If I'm having something I'll let her try a sip if she wants but she hasn't liked anything she's tried so far. This has been at home too, I wouldn't be letting her drink at a party or outside the house. But completely banning alcohol is also more likely to make them drink in secret when out with friends.
She's told me about some girls in her class drinking vodka and ending up in hospital, she seemed horrified at the thought.
When she's about 16 I'd probably let her have a small glass of wine or beer at home.

There’s a reason alcohol is for over 18s and not children, it’s not just about them handling it or risking throwing up. Their brain is still developing. I have a 15 year old who has never had alcohol because she’s a child and doesn’t need to be drinking. No I don’t think that will lead to her growing up and going crazy for alcohol because she wasn’t allowed it as a child.

I think it's luck.DD15 has a health condition which affects her stomach and says she will not drink as she feels sick most of the time.DD17 has no interest and hates the idea of being out of control.Her peer group all started drinking around year 10 but not her close friends.I don't offer alcohol to either.

I think giving teenagers a small taste of alcohol in a safe environment can make alcohol less appealing

Apparently not according to research. Normalising drinking just means kids start drinking younger.

My two boys are 15 and 16 and I've never considered giving them alcohol. They know I don't agree with underage drinking so they wouldn't ask. If we were at a wedding or something I'd probably let them have a glass of wine/champagne for the toasts but that's never come up - the younger than me adults in my family don't seem in a hurry to get married so we haven't had any family weddings for years.

I'm probably quite fortunate that my two aren't in friendship groups that are always having parties. They'll occasionally go to the cinema or swimming or something with a friend but communicate a lot over online gaming. And I'm quite strict about not just being out for no reason, so they're never just out drinking in a park or anything.

I think most of my friends are similar with their views but a lot haven't got to the teen years yet with their kids so we'll see!

I've thought about this a lot as dh and I are both teetotal so the dc having a sip of ours isn't really an option.

Ds1 is 18 and isn't interested in alcohol. I've told him it's fine if he wants to drink but it should be his choice, not because he feels pressure from anyone else. I've had issues with BIL trying to persuade him to drink and I've told BIL that's not acceptable. Also if he does drink he must do it safely.

Ds2 is 16 and also isn't interested.

Ds3 is 13 and would quite like to try it but he's too young I think.

13 way too young
15 on the cusp

I have let my DD drink a little bit at home and at parties from age 16. I have bought her a small amount of alcohol for said parties (eg a 6 pack of cider or lager)

I figured it was better than what I did at her age either nicked all kinds of dodgy stuff from the back of my parents cupboards or even worse tried to get dodgy older guys to but it for us.

We talked about it in a grown up way; don't drink too fast, alternate with soft drinks, stop as soon as you feel a bit tipsy, call me to pick you up if you feel ill or unsafe. Seems to have worked out OK.

She doesn't actually like most alcohol fortunately and I would trust that she does drink in moderation. She is basically a lot more sensible than me. Takes after her dad.

According to her smoking and vaping are tragic which I am glad is her opinion as I was also smoking by her age

Thanks so much for all your responses. It’s good to know that we aren’t crazy. It’s so reassuring, thank you.

i going to google the research on ‘early drinkers’. I really feel it must have a negative impact, or it wouldn’t be a government guideline. DH said that it’s 21 in many US states and they are very slack around teen safety in so many other ways. He talked to a US colleague about it who was very shocked at one these parties.

Thank you.

My DS was "allowed" a very small wine at Christmas dinner when 15 at home - took a sip and hated it .

He is now 16.5 - he has definitely had beers at friends parties. When we went on holiday in June abroad after GCSEs he was allowed a maximum of 2 small beers a day - one day whilst at apartment whilst DH and I by apartment pool he and his friend decided to drink 4 each ... they very much regretted it and didn't drink the rest of the holiday

I think 13 is too young apart from a sip or 2 of say wine or champagne at new year or special dinner .

I still think 16.5 is young but then again I drank with parental permission at that age .

I just hope going forward he is "sensible" about it all

My mum let me drink from 11 with meals and I genuinely believe that's why I'm not a big drinker now my family very much raised us all like the Mediterranean way in that respect

Big difference between 13 and 15. At 15 they are doing work experience, GCSEs, applying to college, getting jobs, trying out new 'adult' things and if that includes hving a drink at a party it's pretty typical behaviour by that age.

At 13 they are still a kid so they might have tried a sip of a parents drink to see what it was like but definitely should not be encouraged to drink or be attending parties where alcohol is available to them.