Newborn and wider family

[helplesshopeless]

Just looking for some outsider perspective on how to handle this as I am probably (definitely) over thinking it!

I am due to give birth any day now. My older DD is 6 and I share her with my ex husband pretty much 50/50. Making her feel involved and important in bonding with the new baby is my number one priority and I want to make sure she's the first to meet the baby and is able to have some quality time with the baby without any other visitors. Once my DD has had that time then we'll have other family come round to meet the baby.

My partner's family are very close to each other - his mum and sister are very much in each others pockets (in a lovely way but slightly codependent!), his mum was there for the birth of his two nieces, she sees them daily and is extremely involved in her granddaughters lives. She's already made a few comments that she's worried she won't be as close to her new grandchild. She's absolutely lovely and I'm not saying this to make her look unreasonable, just giving background to why I'm worried that I'm going to cause issues!

My partners sister is very excited to be an auntie, she's also lovely and she's really keen to be very involved and make sure her two daughters are close to this new cousin.

As mentioned, making sure my daughter feels included and important is my priority. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed with DP's family coming round too soon and 'claiming' the baby as their new cousin/niece etc while she's adjusting to being a big sister, but I also know that's me being overly sensitive to how she might be feeling given the situation. An easy answer would be for them to visit while DD is at her dad's but then I'd worry about her feeling left out! I also don't want to be unreasonable towards DP's family.

As a side point, the two cousins (ages 3 and 5) are not vaccinated. I've had advice on this and the consensus seems to be that they're fine to be around the baby as long as they have no signs of cold or other symptoms and there's nothing going around school/preschool. My daughter is fully vaccinated.

With the above factors in mind, how would you approach the anticipated 'schedule' for when DP's family can visit? The first few days I'm just going to reserve for my dd, but then what? Do I stagger the family visits, say just his sister without nieces for her first visit so it's not too overwhelming for my daughter, etc.?

My family aren't an issue as it's just my parents and sister and I know they'll happily just hold off for a little bit if I think it's best for my DD. My partner is very relaxed and will just tell his family what I decide, but he is also too nice to me and won't tell me if he thinks I'm being a bit too sensitive!

How are your inlaws with your dd? Do they embrace her as family? If so, I think you're overthinking a bit and a couple of days just the 3 of you will be fine.

If they're likely to see and celebrate your new baby as family and different to your dd then maybe tread more carefully.

I wouldn't be allowing the unvaccinated children to touch or hold your baby until your child is vaccinated, I can tell you that. That would be an absolute hard-line for me.

As for seeing the baby right after it's born, your daughter should definitely come first, but then just play it by ear. The adults coming without the young children is a good idea. The kids will have plenty of time to get to know the baby in the weeks and months to come. You can even do video calls if you want.

My advice is to stop obsessing about this now, just stop thinking about it because it will genuinely work itself out, and enjoy this exciting time.

@ditalini thanks for your response. They're really lovely with her and fully embrace her, we've had playdates etc with the two nieces and my DD enjoys seeing them. My main reason for overthinking is that DD is very very sensitive - she's very quick to feel left out of things or like she's less important or less liked than others (this can be triggered by completely innocuous events in any situation). So I'm worried these feelings are going to be heightened for her in this situation.

Obviously I'm constantly telling DD how loved and important she is, I'm doing everything I can to make her feel secure and included!

Thanks @Aquamarine1029. Good to hear I'm not being awkward by suggesting grown ups only at first!

The vaccination thing has plagued me throughout pregnancy but medical professionals have seemed relaxed about it, so I'm torn!

I wouldn’t allow unvaccinated children around in the first couple of months. Make sure visitors wash hands and don’t kiss the baby’s hands or face too (children are more likely to do this innocently).

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/new-parents-and-newborns-are-visitors-ok

If the cousins like to play with and include your daughter then I’d say have them all round together, at that age the cousins probably won’t be at all interested in a newborn for more than 2 minutes and then they can play with your daughter while the adults meet the baby x

Obviously I'm constantly telling DD how loved and important she is, I'm doing everything I can to make her feel secure and included!

Honestly, I think you may be going a bit overboard with this. I really do think this constant love bombing is just too much. Your daughter will definitely see through it and sense your anxiety. Everything will be fine, op, just act normally and relax.

That's great - I'm glad they sound like good people.

Maybe tell your sil/mil this (or get your partner to do this) and hopefully they'll make a big fuss of her as new big sister and maybe bring her a card or a little gift just for her.

There's a 6 year age gap between my two and I found that family very much fussed over ds1 as well. We were given a lot of "I'm the big brother" "I'm the little brother" tshirt/onsie sets!

You are over thinking it, your dd will get hours and hours of time with baby growing up. You are putting too much pressure on this ‘magical bonding’ - when in reality when his family come round it’s a great opportunity to pass baby over and scoop dd (6) up for a cuddle to tell her how much YOU love her,

Yeah she will want to see baby but she is six and the ONLY concern she will have is that YOU still dote on her.

Ive three daughters - I guarantee you, she will like a cuddle with baby and maybe a feed but she will get bored quickly. Dont put so much pressure on her. Get her a gift of baby and just let her take it at her own pace, it’s YOU she will drawn security from.

You can’t keep his family away because you want private time for your 6 year old they will think your bonkers.

Be very wary about being controlling over baby - this isn’t the first baby to ever be born. You will need to let his family around it if you want them to bond and be interested. Other wise you’ll be on here in a few years crying that his family won’t help with child care or take an interest

And this is typical MN.

When you start banning people - especially kids - you piss people off. Which is fine in the early days as you won’t care. But your cards already been marked as being ‘difficult’ and then the DILs start to feel isolated from the wider family.

The very early days in a babies life is very important in establishing bonds. It’s also an important time for DILs to be truly accepted in to a family.

I’ve been on this merry go ride three times - the worst thing to do is start banning people

Assuming your daughter has a good relationship with your in-laws then she will probably just be buzzing at having everyone around and showing the baby to them. In my experience most people make a fuss of the older sibling as they are conscious of not making them feel pushed out. People even bought my eldest new toys or brought little books and treats for him.

Maybe you can ask your daughter for help with hosting everyone, taking coats, putting out some biscuits, asking everyone what they want to drink, showing people where the baby's things are, telling everyone a funny/cute story about the baby etc. Make her feel like a big help and make her proud of her role as the big sister.

Kindly, I think you're being a little over sensitive. If MIL and SIL are welcoming to your older DD then there is no reason to believe they won't make a huge fuss over your DD taking up the big sister role.

I think let DD meet baby and have a few days settling in, then welcome the family as a whole, adults can make a fuss over DD whilst cousins meet baby, then when they inevitably get bored within a few minutes, they can go play with DD whilst adults meet baby.

I bet most people will bring gift for DD as well as baby (I've never not brought a gift for a sibling too if there's a new baby), I'm sure your DD will revel in showing off baby sibling to adults, who if they're as welcoming as you say, will be very happy to play along with her.

Just relax and take it day by day, I think the introduction of new baby is worrying (I'm currently worrying about introduction of baby number 2 too), but it seems like MIL and SIL are very respectful.

On a side note, I think its valid for MIL to be worried about not being as close if she see's SILS kids daily, she is probably aware that you'll not want that level of involvement from her (since you've got your own Mom) and just worried that by giving you a less co-dependant level of space that she'll not see baby as frequently as the other grandkids. It doesn't sound like she'll be funny about it, but just wants to ensure she's treating all GC the same :)

It's not for no reason.

I would rather take the risk of pissing someone off than the risk of my newborn getting a serious preventable illness.

That said, I'd probably be particularly worried about measles, and the OP's baby won't be vaccinated against that for a year.

I agree with every word of that.

Well in that case the OP needs to isolate for a year because so many children are unvaccinated these days.

Thanks everyone for your input and tips. Baby girl arrived last week weighing a whopping 10lb9, I picked my dd up from her dads as soon as we got back from hospital and she had the day just us with her little sister, she's smitten. Both grandparents visited the next day and it went well (dd of course got lots of extra attention and fun!). Cousins are popping in while dd is at her dad's house next week then we'll arrange a proper get together with all 4 of them somewhere fun and neutral in the coming weeks.

DD seems to have adjusted as well as can be expected (so far) which is a huge relief as this has been weighing on my mind literally since the day I got a positive pregnancy test.

Thanks again!

Congratulations! Wonderful news! 🤗

Congratulations to you! Sounds like everything is going just fine. Enjoy your new baby!