To have a child or not?

[wtdx]

Looking for honest opinions! DH and I are mid-30s, happily married, in stable careers with decent earnings. We have a great quality of life and are really comfortable financially.

We'd always thought we'd have children and had been planning to TTC early next year but I suddenly feel like I'm getting cold feet. Maybe I'm being selfish, but suddenly the idea of having a child, the financial implications of mat leave/childcare, and then not being able to have the carefree life that we've enjoyed, while changing our normal fun weekends etc to being child-centric. I love children and looking after my nephew but suddenly feel very anxious about changing our whole lives to have our own children.

As I approach mid 30s, I know I don't have loads of time to put off this decision and my husband and I will talk about this more but I was looking for other people's thoughts and experiences about this!

when the right time for you to have a child comes, you will know and it will be an urge you cannot control. im still waiting for that feeling for child number two - it may never come and if it doesnt then we wont go for it. I honestly think if there is any shred of doubt you shouldnt ignore it. on the other hand some people do have doubts, go for it and love it. but when you know you know. good luck with your choice!

It's truly a life-changing decision, and so very many things are a gamble that you can't possibly know pre-kids - what kind of human will you end up with? Will you and your dh be able to cope with the stress/lack of sleep? Will your relationship survive? How do you think you'll be able to parent? Etc.

Try picturing yourselves 20 years in the future at, say, Christmas, both with an adult child and a child-free life. How does that look for you? Will you be content just you/dh/pets? Or does the thought of having another close family member sat with you, laughing and drinking etc warm you inside (depending of course if the now adult-child hasn't gone off the rails/you have a great relationship etc!).

Most of my friends are childfree and whilst they're still young (in their 40s) they don't regret it at all. They have much more money! They can go out whenever they want, do whatever they want, don't have to worry about careers stalling etc. They have pets, they're really happy.

I have three kids. I wouldn't have done this any other way. They are my whole life, and I am content and happy. That's just me. What one person is happy with another won't be.

I have to say, I never had maternal urges - I had a cripplingly lonely childhood, and wanted children not because I had a drive, but because I could see myself with them, hopefully all going well, in the future and I would have hopefully my lovely little family. I have a house filled with the love and noise and hugs I never had, and this is why I did it. It would've been nice, I imagine, to have had a maternal urge.

If you do t have children your life will be very lonely on day. Just saying

Children aren't guaranteed to be in your life in later years.

Sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith. Nobody can tell you how it will work out. Just bear in mind, some people don’t have problems conceiving in mid to late thirties but it can get a lot harder quite suddenly.

Thank you all for the kind replies - I was worried I'd get replies saying I was being selfish to think this way! Although I feel nervous about all the unknowns and the changes that children might bring to our lives, I also worry that the alternative might feel sad and empty in, say, 20 years time and the regret might be very real at that point. I've always imagined my life to include children and, hopefully, a lifelong family to share. You've all made me feel a bit more positive - thanks!

OP you have no obligation to have children and so you can't possibly worry you're selfish for having doubts / worrying about how these currently non-existing children will affect your life! Children do change your life immeasurably and so it is very normal and sensible to think about the things you are thinking about. No one, unfortunately, can look into your future and tell you the right thing to do. However, I will say that I was always very maternal and always dreamed of children. I had cold feet suddenly before TTC as the reality of how life would change hit me. Now my child is here, they are the single biggest joy in my life and I wish I could have 20 .

It's possible that both things are true really, that the early years, or particular bits of parenting can be overwhelming and that things could be a bit empty without kids at times. Bear in mind too that it's possible that you may have lifelong care duties if you have a disabled child, can happen to anyone.

I've got friends that haven't had children, and are completely happy with it. It's mostly the friends I've got that didn't choose the outcome consciously either way that have struggled most.

There are a lot of similar Mumsnet threads. I wouldn't be without mine, but it was a massive change for us. A lot of impact depends on how much support you've got, resources, childcare options, and luck.

When I got my period in my first month of TTC my daughter I was relieved I wasn't pregnant.
The second month I was neutral and the third month I was disappointed. I conceived the following month

After making the decision to have a child I did still need to warm to the idea.

We started discussing trying for a second in August last year. It took 8 months to make my medication safe for pregnancy and during this time I also had counselling with my HV to unpack the first year with my daughter.

It's a big decision and one that can have life long consequences. It has taken time to feel truly comfortable with the reality of children for me. I love my daughter and currently expecting number 2 but the easy decision would have been to not have them. It was the right decision to have my daughter and I'm hoping it all works out with number 2 as well