Feeling absolutely terrible

[Firsttmum]

I feel like a horrible mum.

My little girl just turned 2 and usually is quite well behaved but very strong willed and smart.

We’ve had a lovely morning. Played the whole time, did playdoh, painting, played with her toys. She asked to watch some telly which I put on and I thought it was a good time to get her dressed (which it usually is).

Told her it was time to get dressed now which she usually protests to a little bit after some convincing isn’t an issue. She proceeded to have a complete meltdown. I took her up to her bed which is my go to if she’s getting beyond it and needs a minute to calm down before trying again. Took her out of bed to try again but the same thing. Screaming at the top of her lungs, writing away from me.

At this point I wasn’t bothered about getting her fully dressed but just her nappy on as she wets the bed when she gets upset, not sure wether it’s out of frustration or a bit of defiance! I ended up giving her a smack
which I’m not proud of. Obviously wasn’t hard but still should not have got to that point. This took her by surprise but after a few seconds she continued screaming and telling me to get off. As soon as her nappy was on I took her back to bed so we could both have some time to decompress.

I was not angry or emotional I was actually pretty calm but I was just completely at a loss. I don’t want her to think that screaming and running away will mean she doesn’t have to get dressed. I try to make things fun and give her my best 99% of the time. I realise this is the 1%, no way to act as a mum and I’m ashamed of myself. I have apologised to her and we had a cuddle after the situation.

just felt like I needed to vent and don’t want any sympathy for this as I really don’t deserve it. Anyone experiencing anything similar at the mo?

She has just turned two, she is so young still. Please don't start smacking her, she sounds like a completely normal toddler.

I don’t plan to. This is why I posted this to really hold myself accountable and to see if any other mums had advice of similar experiences they’ve been through

Honestly, you should feel terrible. Smacking your child is unacceptable.
Next time, instead of waiting until after the fun stuff to get dressed, do it before and give her a clear instruction.
"I can't wait to do playdoh/painting/play dolls with you, as soon as you've got dressed we can do that."
or you give her 2 clear choices
"it's time to get dressed now, do you want to wear the pink leggings or the green ones today?"
Toddlers crave control, so you need to frame it in a way where she gets autonomy and you get a dressed child.

Some of the tips on this thread are really good OP.

Don't beat yourself up- you're clearly not proud of it and toddlers can push every button you have. Sounds like you haven't physically hurt her, you made a mistake and feel dreadful for it. You're not a terrible mum you're human. Coping strategies for when this next happens are good - I say to myself if I feel truly overwhelmed I can put her somewhere safe and walk out the room for a few minutes.

Thanks for the advice. It’s absolutely not acceptable I agree. I utilise the tactics you suggested everyday and usually it works pretty well. Today was just not one of those. I don’t know if she’s just getting to a more defiant age (which I understand is totally normal) or she’s spent a lot of time with her grandparents while I’ve been working but I realise I need to find a better way to rectify anything like this in a future.

Bribery with a sweet or distraction with a TV can be good tactics.

They're still learning to regulate and will grow out of it. They aren't misbehaving.

She sounds like a normal toddler having a tantrum. You already know that you shouldn’t have hit her so i won’t say anything more on that.

Why not switch things around and get her dressed much earlier after she has had breakfast so she is ready for the day instead of halfway through her day. Most toddlers don’t enjoy getting dressed but if they have a solid routine they soon learn that once they are dressed and clean and ready for the day then they can get on and play, watch tv, go outside etc

When she starts to get angry/upset then validate her feelings, often they tantrum because they just don’t have the ability to communicate their feelings so by talking and saying ‘I know you are feeling sad/frustrated/angry right now but we need to get your dressed so that we are ready to do xyz, now do you want the blue cardigan or the red one’. It doesn’t help in the moment but eventually she will learn the words to express how she feels.

I’m a bit confused about the bed thing, it sounds like you are putting her to bed when she gets upset/frustrated, it’s not a great association to make really(but I realise I may have read it wrong).

There will be posters who minimise smacking a child but there is another current thread now where a man pushed his wife after she hit him with a pillow. Lots of comments maintaining anyone can restrain themselves from using violence if they try.
Hitting a little child is completely unacceptable yet some women are shocked at a man pushing a woman whilst thinking its ok to hit a much much smaller child.
Don't get into the habit of it OP or you might well find that your daughter tells someone at Nursery or School.

Your local health visitor clinic should be able to recommend some parenting classes.

I'd also recommend the book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen. The first few chapters were a real eye opener for me and helped me understand my DD's behaviours better. She's not refusing to get dressed to piss you off. She's discombobulated for some reason and needs you to be the cool, calm security to balance out her being in a state.

I would recommend getting dressed as soon as she gets out of bed, before going downstairs, if that's part of the routine you won't need to battle over it later in the morning once she's distracted / absorbed in playing.

Sounds like an overstimulated child

Let her potter around the house a while then say get dressed, let's go to the park

Thank you for all your advice, some really helpful stuff. Going forward I think I’m going to have to establish a more structured routine in her day to reduce tantrums. I’m also going to have a look for some parenting courses to better deal with things in the future.

I agree with the poster who said perhaps she was overstimulated. Toddlers need down time too, when they are not being constantly played with. Her time in front of the tv should have been wind down time. I would have made myself a cup of tea.

My very bright, very well behaved and excellent talker 2.5yo daughter is like this (i have a 5yo son for comparison...). We switched up our routine, she gets dressed within 10 minutes of waking, or she loses it, even when given options and countdowns. It's just how she is at the moment, we have to anticipate everything. We didn't have these problems with her brother because he was always a bit of a nightmare, so was consistent at least!

I understand how you feel - my buttons are being pushed massively at bedtime right now - I've started to pass her off to dp when I'm feeling particularly cross, to give me 5 minutes to cool off. I was beaten black and blue as a child, often, and the idea of hitting is abhorrent to me. Taking time to calm yourself is so important when these feelings come on.

I can relate to that. Was smacked as a child quite frequently from what I can remember so never learnt how to properly regulate my own emotions. I’m not making excuses. Was totally inexcusable.

We all make mistakes, you know it was awful. It's just about making sure it doesn't happen again.

We've gotten more shouty than I'd hoped we'd be as parents, ds is a real challenge. I'm constantly reading and learning, and trying to enact something new now to shape us all to be kinder, calmer and more responsive to each other. Obviously doesn't work on a 2yo but hopefully she will watch and learn.

I can't imagine there's any parent that couldn't always strive to do better.

I showed my mother (86) this and she said that in her childhood it wasn't unknown for two-year-olds to be smacked. Then I noticed she had tears rolling down her face.

@Firsttmum
It is wonderful that you have decided to seek help. You sound as if you really want to try other behaviour management approaches rather than smacking.
Take credit for being determined to do better. It is refreshing to read your updates.
Good luck. Your daughter will love that you are determined to be a better Mum.