He screamed at her in public

[Daisychain464]

My 9 year old is full of attitude lately. I have sepearated from her dad but we sometimes take the kids out. Today we went to a local national trust property with our 6 year old son too.

On arrival i announced we would walk around the lake then there was am acitivity event on they could do. 9 year old started stropping and saying we are boring. The lales boring.

When theyd finished painting they had uce creams and started saying they were thirsty etc. You get free water in the play area as drinks are crazy prices. They both started kicking off and refusing to go play but were stropping at the table. Their dad told them off and people looked at him. I told him people were looking. He said really loud im not bothered about other people. I popped outside for 5 minutes and when i weny back i could see my 6 year old was screaming. My ex came out fuming and had to go back in fir my 9 year old. It turns out they had found a ball and he had taken it off them due to their silly behaviour. As we were walking back to the car 9 year old made some comments under her breath and the next thing i know hes sreaming at her so loud that 2 old ladies stopped to turn around. I said to him thats enough and he snapped that he didnt care what they thought. I was absoloutely mortified.

The kids are not always like this. But they can be sometimes. He is a good dad and has alot of patience and spends alot of time trying to support her through her emotions. I genuinely mean that.

But im so mortified after today.

Sorry for typos im in the car bumping about.

9 yos could try the patience of a bloody saint, she won’t forget this and maybe she’ll behave better next time?

I hope so as it was horrendous. Im just so embarrsed. She has. become very me me me lately.

Hard to know who is being unreasonable without actually being there.

The children were misbehaving, he told them off (which seems reasonable to me) and rather than backing him up, you were embarrassed that people were looking.

This first incident has coloured my perception of the 2nd incident.

If he was actually screaming then he had lost control and that was unacceptable.
If he was just cross about continued poor behaviour and was reprimanding them, that seems ok to me.

I was embarassed as they sounded really entitled and rude and i know what people think of parents yelling at kids. It was not a nice situation to be in, in a public place. I tried also to bring them back into line.
I think he went too far shouting he did not care what people thought. Also his tone was quite rageful and for passers by he probably sounded like an aggresive bully. But hes not.

Obviously losing your shit with kids isn't great for every now and again they push those buttons. I find it no worse when people do it behind closed doors than in public.

To be fair I'd have yelled at her too. 9yo are very selfish and stroppy sometimes. I'm pretty sure mine have had 'I want' tantrums before now when I've had to grit my teeth and think to myself 'what you want is a slapped backside!'

Just look forward to age 15 or so when they start becoming reasonable humans again.

Yeah he should not have lost his head, but it sounds like it was a very trying day for everyone.

I think they are at the age when parents need to shift from announcing/dictating we will do x, then y, then z to asking children “what would you like to do first? I’d really like a walk around the lake sometime while we are here…there is this activity, and I saw on the map they have an adventure playground?”

The 9yr old wasn’t spoilt or entitled so much as wanting a say in what you are going to do and when. Her and the 6yr old are old enough to be included in minor decision making like this.

If you get a discussion going and negotiate an agreement that everyone is happy with, you will find that family days are enjoyable again.

They both started kicking off and refusing to go play but were stropping at the table.

I mean why force them to go to a play area they had no interest in? These are children that have minds and if they don’t want to go play, I would just say ok to that.

You are split up. Stay home and maybe ex can manage the dc without an atmosphere.. Admit it spending the day with him isn't ideal is it? If it was for the dc it isn't working..

If I was split up o would not be entertaining family days. Surely there are compelling reasons why you aren't together!

On arrival i announced we would walk around the lake then there was am acitivity event on they could do. 9 year old started stropping and saying we are boring. The lales boring.

Did your kids actually want to go on this day out? If not then why didn’t you just go on your own or with a friend since you’re separated?

Try giving them a bit of autonomy, I.e. DD would you like to do x activity? I’d like to walk round the lake so shall we do that before or after activity?

I used to work with what was then called maladjusted teenagers. I was told, at interview, that it does no harm to lose it occasionally, when the kids really are messing about as yours were. I did once in eighteen months. And screaming is different from shouting.

It’s not ok but if this isn’t normal behaviour I wonder if something is going on for him? Would he tell you?

The drinks were free in the play area.

Sometimes you do just lose your shit are you embarrassed your children were being entitled and rude or for your ex for reaching his limit? You have 2 issues, 1 is ungrateful kids and I would’ve taken them right home. The other is waiting until they’ve pushed all his/your buttons and you lose it.

I have little patience for whining, stroppy ungrateful behaviour, don’t want to be somewhere fine we will leave. And I have done, only way they learn that you will do what you say is to do it. It’s not fun to have to do that though. No means no and stop means stop I won’t tell more than twice and always a consequence for behaviour. Parenting is tough, I mix that with love and cuddles and kindness I’m not an ogre even though it sounds that way. Setting boundaries and sticking to them does solve the losing your shit issue though,(I have 4 kids) 2 older and 2 younger so absolutely a minefield at times trying to please everyone.

The kids were playing up and got told off. I wouldn’t give a shit about what strangers thought of me either.

I got that, but that doesn’t explain why the kids were kicking off and “refusing to play” This implies they did not want to play in the play area but were being told to. Could have just gone there to fill water bottles with no enforced playing.

If you're planning family days out maybe go to something like an interactive science museum, one of the good castles that has a lot of interesting stuff for kids, something with lots going on. A National Trust property is incredibly tedious for everyone under the (mental or physical) age of 60.

Several times you have repeated that you were mortified about what other people could see, that he shouted at the kids and people could hear etc etc. You’re more concerned about perception than what is needed to actually parent your child.
Every now and then we can lose it, it’s not great but older kids definitely push the boundaries more on purpose than younger kids. Other people seeing is irrelevant.
You were wrong to immediately call out their dad because people were looking during the first incident.

Unless it’s for an Easter Egg hunt!

Did the children even want to go to this "family" day out? Perhaps your eldest finds it a bit of a mind fuck knowing your separated and is acting out due to some insecurity and confusion about expectations.

Tbf though we don’t know where OP is and interactive Science Museums or even their equivalent are not everywhere in the country some places don’t have much going on. My DC did feel like that about NT not at 9 but about 11 and now my youngest DD early teen likes to go around some of the gardens with a friend. Eldest 17.5 wouldn’t go near with a barge pole but he is pretty much independent so I don’t expect a 17 year old to like NT.

OP, I’d say that a large part of this is probably the NT but what else is there to do around where you live? I remember being dragged around NT properties and I found it tedious but in the 90’s your parents would not really entertain the idea of cancelling a visit for a 9 year old and my parents were liberal! It sounds like the kind of behaviour that would have been very stared at as it is anti-social as well as coming across a bit mean.

This was my immediate thoughts too

child probably sad on-edge and fraught with emotions because of split, then their behaviour becomes bad as they’re stressed out

have some more grace for your children’s feelings and state.

It can be really confusing for children to go on “family day” with an ex. Many understandably can’t cope with playing happy families after a split.