Children who won’t say hello

[GingersnapBiscuit]

My daughter (3.5) won’t greet people. Not just new people - any time we go for a playdate or bump into nursery friends on the street she’ll just drop her head and completely ignore them to begin with. Nursery say she’s the life and soul of the party and in every photo they send I see her playing exuberantly with others but something about being put on the spot when meeting people outside nursery seems to stump her. Sometimes she’ll even struggle to acknowledge my parents at first if I go round with her, even though they look after her once a week and I know she’s totally confident with them on those days.

How can I help her get over this block? Once she’s warmed up she’s very friendly so I don’t want to put too much pressure on it but I haven’t really seen other children behave quite like this.

Both my kids did this, as do a lot (majority, even?) kids under 10. Adults are intimidating. Put your own social anxiety to one side and let them be

I think this sounds normal tbh. DS only greets people he knows REALLY well (eg grandparents). Nursery friends, especially out of context, can take 20+ minutes to warm up to.

I’d give it a bit of time yet op. She’s very young.

When I read the thread title, I thought you were going to be talking about an eight year old!

Eventually though, when she’s a bit older, you can role play it with her.

She's three and shy, I wouldn't do anything tbh and I wouldn't make a big deal of her not speaking either. If she's still doing the same when she's older you can start to explain about manners and needing to answer people's questions and say hello, but not yet.

I’d say leave her to it and you just greet people in front of her, so you are modelling that behaviour.

I wouldn’t suggest that you try to help by saying “Say hello to so and so”… I hate it when people do that to me with their DC, it’s so much more about the adult worrying about not being seen to have a rude DC, than it is actually about what is best for the child and helping to build confidence.

One of mine used to do this they are an introverted shy adult obviously they say hello and can function now but really struggled as a young child.

I tried not to force it because the more fuss I made the awkwardness would kick in and it would be a whole thing, just let your Dd come round on her own she doesn't have to be gregarious and always sociable.

I think this is perfectly normal. Two of my three children are very sociable and have lots of friends and even at 8 my boy will walk past classmates on the street and not acknowledge them. Just model good behaviour when you meet others. My eldest is extremely shy and I talk to her about making eye contact and just smiling if she feels she can’t get a word out of her mouth.

Don't worry about it, OP.

Three year olds are often like this. I think it's just her age, and she'll start greeting people as she gets older.

She’s SO young! All you should be doing is modelling it at this age and saying something like ‘when we meet people we know we say hello because it’s kind to say hello’. Eventually she will get there.

My DD is exactly like this as is her Dad the other 4 of us are total extroverts. It took me a while to realise that she won't change.
She is so confident and loud around her close friends but won't acknowledge people she has known for years if we bump into them in the street.

This is not a problem. She’s only three! Model the social behaviour you’d like her to learn. So say a warm ‘hello’ to other people and introduce her without any pressure or expectations.

btw, any adult who’d get huffy about not being greeted by a three-year-old isn’t worth worrying about. Like a previous poster I hate it when someone says ‘say hello’ to a kid just because I’ve said hello to them. It’s so awkward and I feel bad for the kid.

Thanks all, this is reassuring - I realise she’s still young, I think it’s just because all her nursery friends seem so confident and will immediately run up to her to say hello or try to give her a hug, which she responds to by completely blanking them and staring at her feet 😅 Perhaps it just happens to be a particularly confident group so she seems like more of an outlier.

I don’t mind at all if she has a more reserved personality (I’m a bit of an introvert myself), meetings/greetings just seem to be a particular flashpoint for her when she’s otherwise very chatty and playful.

Why is it an issue? Children are not performing seals sure manners is good but at 3?

This is perfectly normal.
She expects to see her friends at nursery so seeing them in a different settings throws her.

My kids were like this even in the early school years. I remember them being flustered when we bumped into their teacher at the supermarket - it’s as if they thought their teacher lived at school 24/7.

It’s not about manners, it’s about wanting her to feel comfortable and happy and trying to identify whether it’s just something she hasn’t quite learned yet or if there’s some particular anxiety around it I can support her with.

It is pretty normal, but I disagree with all the posters saying don't encourage her to say hello. My son would still be blanking everyone at 9 (and some of his friends do) if I didn't tell him when someone greets you, you look at their face and say hello. It is a basic social skill they learn like any other.

Mumsnet is full of people who don't answer the door, don't want to see their friends without 2 months notice, prefer to WFH full time, and prefer little social interaction in person. In the wider world it is better to learn how to say hello at 3 than at 18.

@GingersnapBiscuit I agree with pp, it’s absolutely normal. I worked in nursery for many years and many children are just like your dd. And there are also children who are more outgoing and say hello. I have seen some kids who are pretty outgoing not say hello when they arrive at nursery but then warm up a bit later and run up to their friends arriving saying hello to them and inviting them to play. So, even confident, outgoing kids can have their moments of being shy and reserved.

Oh I'm not a hugger .either I feel her pain😂

I had loose women on yesterday and 3 of them insisted the non hugger needed a hug they all went in I was dying inside for the poor woman who had Nadyia Swahalia insisting she'd love it!

I work in a primary school. I greet children every morning . These are children who know me, who spend lots of time with me every day in that setting.
The number who just ignore me is amazing. And rude.

You are right to teach her now so that when she is older, she is polite and considerate of other people.

My DS is exactly like this, still, at 6.

He has loads of lovely friends at school and his activities but finds greetings really difficult for some reason, especially when we aren’t expecting to see the person. We’ve got to the point now where he will answer someone who says hello to him, which is a massive step forward, but I don’t think he’s ever going to be one of those children who shouts hello when they see someone they know.

In all other respects his social skills are excellent - his school report this year commented on his empathy and kindness - and I was a shy child who grew out of it so I’m not worried at all.

Sounds normal. My 2.5 year old is very sociable - with adults and children alike. Usually waves hello when we go to nursery. But in certain situations he appear shy. When I pick him up from my mum's house, he'll sometimes act embarrassed and shy, as though he wasn't expecting to see me😄 then after a few minutes, he'll come bounding over for a cuddle.
I have social anxiety myself and I was expecting my son to be more like me, but fortunately he seems not as bad.

Just greet people and she'll watch you and learn
Don't draw any attention to her or ask her to say hello or anything.

I was very shy as a young child and wouldn't say hello and I remember my mum hitting me because apparently I embarrassed her by not saying hello. It made me more anxious not less because as well as feeling shy I was also anxious that I'd get hit again!

Now I am not saying you'd ever do anything so awful but even trying to cajole or bribe a hi out of a young child can make them even more anxious and less likely to want to say hello.

Saying hello for them and using lots of "we" sentences eg we're so glad we bumped into you, and things like "me and daughters name were saying (insert something nice about them) the other day."

Things like that.

Modelling conversation without expectations

Again she is 3 just let her follow your lead and she will probably follow one day, not sure complicating it helps may make her self conscious about it

At 3 I absolutely wouldn’t worry about her saying hello. And I certainly would NEVER ask a child to hug or make physical contact with someone they didn’t initiate such a gesture with.

OTOH I am always a bit bewildered by the number of older children (say 6 or 7 and up) who just will not say hello to adults or answer simple questions. Has it ever been thus?

DS is far from perfect & I’m certainly not one for performative manners, but I do insist he acknowledges adults we meet, says thank you to bus drivers/says hi and bye when leaving small shops etc- but then again I’ve never had to push him hard (if anything, where I have trouble is with him letting others finish what they’re saying before taking his turn!). Do I have unrealistic expectations? I’m questioning myself now!