Did we damage DC?

[incognitolady]

DH and I had a disgusting, blazing row this morning. Absolutely screaming at each other. I need help, I've become a real hothead. DH is saying he feels belittled, disrespected, abused. I am truly sorry, we get therapy and we have both agreed to have counselling to communicate better.

Our 15 month old heard the whole horrible row from upstairs and was screaming her head off crying. I went up and cuddled her and calmed her down (but she had probably been crying for 7-10minutes straight). DH and I have said if counselling doesn't work, we will divorce as we want DC to have a happy life and not live a miserable existence with parents arguing all the time.

After the fight, I took DC to her gran's house. Gran said DC wasn't her usual self and seemed unusually scared every now and again and would go crying to gram to be held. However when I came to pick her up 4 hours later, DC was her usual happy self.

My question is: have we really damaged DC from our fight this morning?
What can we do to undo any damage we might have done her?

We have vowed to not argue in front of her, save heated talks for once she is not in the house at the very least and attempt to resolve things through counselling.

Any advice greatly appreciated. I feel horrendous and we're both so worried for DC right now.

I don't think k you gave as a one off, but as you are aware it needs addressing.

Yes. Why leave her to scream?

Well, no, I don't think that one heated argument in her presence will have irrevocably harmed her but I do think continued exposure to that environment will.

I have to say that the ability to ignore her obviously distress in favour of arguing isn't good but you know that.

Unfortunately this might be one of the things she remembers, or she might be fine. Why was she screaming for 10 minutes without you going to her?

@Overthebow There is no good reason. I am so so ashamed of it. It was disgusting of me. I heard she had started crying but I was too angry with DH and wanted to say what I had to say. I've never ever left her to cry ever before.

Edit: I can't be sure it was 10 minutes.. I initially wrote 5 minutes and wondered whether we had argued for longer.. I don't know how long it was. She stopped crying and started playing and was generally happy after we cuddled when I went upstairs.

Is there anything I can do to make sure she feels safe,? DH and I have promised never ever to escalate like we did today

You need anger therapy not couples therapy.

My friend is like you and it only stopped when she threw a laptop bag at her husband & hit her DD instead. He left taking the DD with him and filed for divorce and she now sees the kids supervised twice a week.

There's many more things she did which lead to that point but her anger is the reason why she lost custody of her child.

My son went to friends at that age and the adults argued. He was scared, he couldn't trust them again and they're not his parents.
Mums have to keep their kids away from this. Make them feel safe and loved is the only job of a mum. Having a huge argument in front of your child is damaging, all mums know this. Some women go through hell and put up a front to their kids to give them the best childhood possible, because mums protect their kids xx

I feel so awful and dumb and immature for allowing it to happen. I'm furious at myself. I'm going to seek help for my anger.

She's 15 months, she won't remember this, and it's a one-off. I'm surprised at the other comments trying to pile guilt onto you. Crying for 7-10 minutes is no more than some babies do while sleep training and no one sensible tries to argue that it's damaging. Just take a breath, stop feeling guilty and move forwards x

Hi @incognitolady I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult at the moment and glad that you and your DH are aware of the need for help and change.
I work as a counsellor (with adults) and can tell you that lasting impact is usually caused by silence around these events, I.e. not acknowledging them with DD. I would talk to her about what happened, even if she doesn't really understand. Things like "mummy and daddy were shouting and you were very frightened. Mommy is sorry and you're safe now, etc etc". And continue to be open and talk about it as she gets older so she has space to process any lasting impact and feel validated and supported. This will do wonders for your relationship.
This openness and humility is important and so is working hard to make sure it doesn't happen regularly. Children are surprisingly resilient when we help them make sense of their experience and feelings and focus on helping them feel heard and important.
It's clear how much you love your girl, good luck working through all of this xx

Hi, sorry about your situation. You really need to solve the issues with your partner for the sake of your baby. This time perhaps has not damaged her but like other comments said continued exposure to this will most definitely do.
please protect your child from violence and anger, babies need calm and safe environments . It’s good that you acknowledge your anger issues, it’s a first step towards the right path. Do not think about the past now, make sure you keep your cool in front of your baby and give her lots of cuddles and kisses!

What made you SO mad?

All you can do is your best. Kids are resilient, she will be okay.

She won't ever remember it, she is too young! Don't beat yourself up but also don't let it become a regular thing x

If it continues it will damage her.. but you know that.
Most people will have heard their parents arguing at some point as a child.. even the odd argument with raised voices. That's a normal part of life and it won't damage most people.. in fact there is something to be said for seeing how relationships work thru conflict as a child and learning that relationships take work and communication and that doesn't always go smoothly.
But CONSTANT tension conflict and shouting really will effect a child negatively if it goes on long term.
I grew up in a high conflict household and I honestly wish my parents had divorced. The endless rows and moods of my parents has left a lasting mark on me.
I struggle with anxiety, people pleasing and being hyper aware of other people's emotional states and end up feeling responsible for making everyone happy and calm.

Seeing her parents shouting at each other once won't harm her but you need to sort this out now. It can't go on.

Many of the 'non-sensible' people you refer to aren't ignorant to the way in which the brain and, subsequently nervous system, process events. It's true, a 15 month old will almost certainly never be able to consciously recall a frightening event, but that doesn't mean that their nervous system will not react accordingly in the event their brain perceives a similar event in future.

I don't pick you up on this to attempt to shame the OP, but this notion that 'don't worry, young children won't remember anything' needs stamping out if we ever want to begin reversing the MH crisis for future generations.

Of course, but this is a women in distress and feeling guilty that she's damaged her baby forever because of one short argument. She wants to move forward and not expose her baby to further arguments. What purpose does it serve to add to that guilt when it's true that a one-off will not damage her baby. It's the one-off nature of the event that is the key. I agree with you that sustained exposure to stressful situations does damage a child.

You're overreacting.

One time won't harm her long term but prolonged exposure to a toxic relationship will.

DH says he feels abused by you. Do you think therapy can fix it or not?

I know this is over simplistic but I want to say divorce now before your little one will remember you splitting up. Much less traumatic in the long run.

Ps I had a minor disagreement in the supermarket on Sunday with DH, we were using exasperated voices with each other.

My three year old told me it made her feel (thumbs down) and not smiley. Kids are incredibly effected by how adults around them treat each other.

If you're the hot head and the one who felt they had to get their say in why didn't he leave when he heard dd and go and see her? Why were you the one who went and cuddled her afterwards, why didn't you go together to reassure her? DH feels belittled, disrespected and abused but he's there screaming too.

What was so bad that you were screaming at each other like this? Do you even like each other?