Colic baby and attachment??

[Kilminchy123]

Hey guys . I’m currently 4 months postpartum. My pregnancy was hell as I suffered with extreme anxiety/ocd and ante natal depression . When my daughter was born I felt immense guilt for my son (2 and a half years old) and I did really try to bond with her but it was hard for me as I felt so guilty for him . She became very colicky around 3 weeks old and cried for 7-8 hours a day . It was extremely stressful, upsetting for everyone involved . She became a little bit better after reflux medication around 8ish weeks . She is doing great now. I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of research (anxiety) as I can’t help that think due to the excessive crying, she had to think no one was trying to help her /her needs weren’t being met as we simply just didn’t know what was wrong . I also due to suffering post partum depression found it really difficult with all the crying and my patience was very low (would hand her over to my partner at times etc when it just became too much which I never done with my son) . Just looking for reassurance that all might be okay and my little girl might be okay attachment wise 😞 I’m most worried about the car seat - she cried hysterically and sometimes it would be for a minute or two until we could safely pull over . I would rub her face and try to talk to her during this time but couldn’t of course hold her . She would be nearly getting sick crying very unmanageable . I really tried my best but I know with the stress levels and mental health issues I wasnt my normal self . People with colic babies - are you babies now securely attached . Thanks in advance

To add - I do speak to someone regarding my mental health weekly it is not untreated thanks

She was suffering from heat burn - it does hurt.

There’s no reason to think she’ll suffer in anyway shape or form. You did your best with what you had.

I don’t really understand to be honest. Passing the baby to your husband to settle at times is completely normal? They have 2 loving parents, if doesn’t always need to be only 1 doing the comforting.
Plus stopping the car after 1 or 2 minutes is quite extreme, most people aren’t stopping the car immediately when their baby cries.

Yeah I know stopping the car a lot is extreme she just cried to the point of almost not breathing and almost vomiting etc it wasn’t just dislike of the car seat etc if that makes sense it was very very bad xx

Yes this was me. Dd had bad colic and seemed to cry all the time throughout the day but especially in the car. I was worn down by all the crying and nothing I did seemed to help. I was also struggling with mental health post partum and blamed myself for all of it. Couldn't see a future where we would both be ok and was obsessed with the idea that she would be damaged by my awful mothering of her as a baby. Fast forward 12 years. We are both happy and well and we have a brilliant relationship. She is confident, popular and doing well at school. We have a lovely relationship. She comes to me for support and we can talk about anything. I worried so much and it ended up ok.
The fact you are worrying about this stuff most likely indicates that you are someone who puts in lots of effort into being a mum and that you are doing a good job even if it doesn't always feel that way. These are the hard years. It will get easier. Just keep on going one day at a time and it's very likely that things will end up ok.

Oh she does still get car sick though even as an older child. Her crying in the car as a baby makes sense now!

Sorry name change!

Thank you this is something I really wanted to hear from someone who has experienced similar. My anxiety is just very heightened and of course I love my little baby more than anything in the world and I’m afraid of making life any harder for her than it needs to be. Just with my mental health issues I know my patience wasn’t the way it usually is and the crying wore me down so much and I just hope I was as attentive as I needed to be but I’m questioning it now . But thank you this is really reassuring 🙏🏼💕

As someone who has studied attachment theory, has had a colicky baby and had the same concerns as you, I can honestly say that my daughter is now securely attached, she can be a bit more clingy than my son but then she had a rougher start to life, and is much more confident in other ways so it could just be a personality thing. Attachment forming is something which takes place over years not just months. Yes colic and post natal depression can affect the early attachment, but you are not recognising that a significant part of the attachment formation cycle is the repair. Your daughter had needs that you couldn’t reasonably meet, just like I couldn’t stop mine having colic, reflux and spending time post birth in hospital. But I am confident that you respond to her needs promptly, and appropriately when safe to do so, and the fact you are aware of this means you are probably trying your hardest to be a nurturing and responsive parent and you and your baby are going to be just fine.

there was a study we often parrot at work where we say that to be a good enough parent attachment wise you only have to get it right 33% of the time, the other 33% you’ll get wrong (don’t panic, no one can get it 100% ) and the other 33% is about the repair. A parent really consciously trying to get it right is probably likely to get it right more than 33% of the time.

now even though I knew all of this I still cried to the hospital therapist on the nicu ward about her life being ruined by getting an insecure attachment due to having all the challenges we did.

be kind to yourself. Don’t panic about the future, you are doing a good job

Hi, I had a very colicky baby. It was tough, very difficult. I, like you, was worried about attachment and felt very guilty because I couldn’t stop her pain whatever the cause was. Eventually she stopped the excessive inconsolable crying around 5 months old and after that everything improved. She’s 13 months old now and I can definitely say she loves me haha
don’t worry too much about it, an obstetrician told me once that it doesn’t matter if babies cry as long as the caregiver hugs and cuddles them! That’s what I did, put some headphones on when the cry becomes too much for you and use a baby carrier! They made a huge difference for me. Oh, and car rides were out of question with her. I never took her anywhere for the first four months. I’d rather walk for an hour sometimes.
take care!