Can we have a thread of positive stories and good advice regarding meeting a new partner and introducing your kids?

[fulltimepunk]

There is a lot of negativity here sometimes about single parents meeting new partners and introducing their kids to them.

I wondered if we could have a thread of positive advice and stories, for those of us who are going through this process. While I know there are bad stories, there are also successful, healthy blended families so I wanted to see if we could collate the good advice that got you there, for those who made it work (or at least feel your kids came out unscathed, even if your relationship didn't work!)

If you don't mind sharing:

Age of your kid(s):

How did you tell them about your new partner?

How did you introduce them to your new partner?

Anything else you think would be useful to share?

As much as possible I'd like to keep it positive (although obviously share your lessons learnt!).

Full disclosure, I'm in this position myself.
My kids are 12 (DS) and 10 (DD). They have met my partner a few times prior to our relationship as he is a friend of a cousin, who I'm close with, but they are not aware we are now a couple. We are at the stage that it is serious and we are talking about the future, hence this is on my mind. He doesn't not have his own kids but is extremely supportive of the fact that I do.

Not looking for advice specific to my above scenario though! Just anything that might help anyone in this position?

I'm in this position, and my DC are the same age as yours. I've been with my partner about a year and a half now. They have met him quite a few times, but not spent more than about a couple of hours together, except for our first afternoon outing together, a few weeks ago.

We live in a really small, close community where everyone knows everyone, so I told the DC about him before I really would have preferred to, simply because I wanted them to hear it from me. I didn't want anyone saying "so how do you like Mum's new boyfriend then?" or something. The alternative wants to keep our relationship a complete secret, which I didn't want to do because there was no reason it should be secret.

I started by dropping his name into conversations here and there if it was relevant, and then we engineered meeting in the street, and I then said to them "oh that's X who I told you about."

When it was time to tell them that we were in a relationship, I asked how they would feel if I had a boyfriend or if dad had a girlfriend. The disinterest was palpable. So I said there is someone I kind of like. I might as well have told them had bought a new spatula.

I don't ever force them to spend time with him, but they quite like when we stop off at his house for a brew as that's the only time they get fruit shoots. He's very conscious of respecting my parenting and not overstepping. I'm in no hurry to move things on - to be honest I'm not sure I ever want to live with a man again, I'm really still liking my personal space and having a bed to myself, so I'm happy with how things are.

It has crossed my mind to think about how things would be if we were to move in together. But I wouldn't ever want the kids to feel they were in a situation they had no say about. Liking someone for a couple of hours two or three times a month is one thing, but living in a house with someone you haven't chosen is entirely another.

I'm curious to read other peoples contributions though, because from what I can gather on MN, you shouldn't introduce DCs to new partners until you've been together about a decade.

Ok I did it all wrong and it turned out great. I got crucified on here but it's been 12 years now so i think it's ok.

Kids were 2 & 4. Husband left. Both of us met someone new within 4 months. We're both married to those same people now.

Anyway. My current husband was friend of my brothers. I'd known him for years.

Basically we met up in a crowd to watch rugby or something and then it went from there.

He came round when kids were in bed but actually my daughter clocked us pretty quickly.

Then came the kicker - I was being evicted. I looked for places to rent but it was extortionate

All 3 of us moved in with him at that point (about 6 months after getting together).

He had never been married or had kids.

Now here we are. Bought a house together and it's all good. My X knew about him and liked him so that was good.

I would never recommend this. It was way too fast but there were go. Neither of my children remember living with their Dad so they've never really known different? I must have had a conversation with the 4yo but the 2 yo wasn't even verbal at that time.

I think it helped that he was a known quantity. It never occurred to me that he could be a risk. As I said it was stupid and naive.

Anyway said step dad is currently chaperoning 16yo daughter to a concert in the city with her friend so definitely no hard feelings!

Met almost 5 years ago, my kids were 8 & 10, his was 13. Told them after about 7/8 months, didn't meet each other's kids until more than a year together. Still never spent time together except when we didn't have the children, he started coming around for dinner once a week after year 2, I'd go for dinner with his daughter at the weekend. Super slow tbh, after 4 years he spends most nights here at mine, the girls get on well, he does a sport with one of mine and his once a week. But it's v chill, no expectations, no attempt to 'blend' I'm v mindful of the fact it must be hard for his daughter sharing her dad so I do remind him to do lots of stuff with just her, she's 18 though and mostly wants to be with friends

I met DH when DS was 8 years old. He didnt have any dc of his own. I introduced him as a friend after I had been in a relationship for a year, and we would go on days out together, but he never slept over and I would spend the night at DH's when DS was staying elsewhere. We got engaged when DS was 12, and we got married and bought a house together when DS was 13.

DS is 25 now and still lives at home, and it has all worked out well. Never had any conflicts and we all get on. We don't have any of the issues that come up in blended family threads, DH and DS are very chilled about it all.

So happy to see some contributions here! Please keep them coming everyone. I feel better informed already!

I have baby 14 months old at the time. I had 6 month relationship now over.

I let him meet child quite early but just in the context of bringing like any other visitor in the home a quick hello and little play. I kept the bf well away from bath and bed routine. I also didn't kiss and cuddle him in front of child. He really just saw him when I was child free or after baby in bed thoigh. With these safeguards in place I don't think
A) x child was at risk (they were never alone together)
B) child was affected at all by the breakup as he didn't see the bf as part of his family or his home routine, just one of the many friends I have that visit for a little play every so often.

I plan to do similar while he's a toddler but when he's older and understands the connotations of sleepovers etc if I'm still single and dating then I'll be much more discreet (hopefully by then my child will he doing overnights at his dads house so I'll have some privacy for sleepovers either days!)

• with dates, Not either days

I* really just saw him (the bf) when child free I mean

My advice with older kids is to tell them you're dating or have a boyfriend as long as possible before they meet so they can get used to the idea before any changes to their world happen. And if you break up before then do what. It will still have helped them get used to the idea of you moving on romantically.

I met my husband when our son was three, he was used to be sometimes going out with friends so when I was going out with my husband it was a case of saying “Uncle O is looking after you tonight because I’m going to see F” so it wasn’t unusual for him. I’d planned six months for them to meet if everything was going well, it turned out we accidentally met just before then as we were at the same event in a local park. We then did a proper meet where he joined us for a day at a petting zoo and we kept the first few meets out of the home and in child focused places so there wasn’t any pressure on either of them to interact too much with each other.

He started staying over on month 8 maybe on a very occasional basis, again it wasn’t rare for friends to come over and stay, so it wasn’t unusual for our son to get up and one of my friends was also at breakfast.

They got on well from the start, our son is very social which helped that. He was staying over when covid hit and our son bad symptoms, so he had to quarantine for two weeks, we’d been together over a year by then. We’d talk about moving in together in maybe another 12 months, instead we extended the two weeks to see how it went and it was okay, so he stayed, so rather than moving in together on our second anniversary we got married.

Our sons now 9, my husbands a very good papa, our son is very pleased he has him, although isn’t always keen to share him with his little sister.