Feel like I’m failing as a mother

[Whyyougottobeanonymous]

Hi ladies
feel like a bit of a failure at the moment.
For context, things were all going well until a couple of months ago when DDs father upped and left me. Leaving me to sort selling the house and getting my life back on track with things like work etc. so currently going through the selling process and moving home to my parents and starting work end of the month.

DD is nearly 9 months has always been pretty needy. However I’ve found it harder since her father left as I’m just constantly pouring from an empty cup. He has her one day a week which is usually Saturdays but that’s from around 11-6. Sometimes does bedtime if I ask him too and he has no choice (I.e I can’t get home in time) but usually won’t. So it’s pretty hard for me to catch a break. My parents are great and will help where they can however they also both work so not able to do things like bedtime and overnight stays.

anyway like I say DD is fairly needy which I know is standard at this age. With everything going on I hardly sleep as my mind is just racing at night about all the what ifs and whether I can make a nice life for my little girl. DD is up a lot at night too so I’d say on average I probably sleep around 3-4 hours a night which isn’t drastic but not the best.

the lack of sleep is causing me to be quite impatient and now I really do feel like a bad mum. For example DD whines a LOT and sometimes I end up saying stop it now, or this is silly come on stop. Yesterday in the car she was refusing to put her dummy in to go to sleep, was already over tired and proceeded to scream and cry with genuine tears (which she doesn’t often do) until we got home. I was so sick of it and all the keep turning round in the car at every red light to hold her hand and attempt the dummy back in, that I just shouted STOP. When I got home she was still crying and I said that’s enough come on and picked her up for a cuddle and put her straight down for her nap.

when she went to sleep I just sat and cried that I’d shouted. I feel that I’m teaching my child its not ok to be sad or express her emotions to me, and fear that I’m showing her that her mum isn’t in control of her emotions.

I know single mums who would never let his get on top of them but it’s been a huge adjustment going from a partnership to being a single parent managing a household, working out career, and also dealing with being quite sad actually that my relationship ended. I know I’m not the first and not the last and I know it’s no excuse.

I need to be more patient and remember she’s just a baby. None of this is her fault and she’s so innocent. I guess I just feel bad and I actually felt like posting in way as I know I’ll probably get a lot of hate for this and probably what I deserve!!

I’m really sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, what an upheaval for you and your daughter, and it sounds like dad is not very hands on at all and leaving you to muddle through the important things!

I have a 5 Month old and when I’m overstimulated I also feel like I lose my patience at times and feel awful that I feel that way. I never wanted to be like that, but with the sleep deprivation as she doesn’t sleep well either, and when she’s screaming for the 10th time that day and I just need to drive us somewhere or go to the loo, it’s difficult to hold it together. I also know it’s not her fault but it can be difficult and these are the times I know I need my partner to step up, because as mums we need those breaks and respites to be able to be the best mum we can, otherwise we are running on empty which is not good for anyone.

Can dad take her for more time? It’s his daughter too and it seems unfair that he just takes her for such a little time every week. Could he have her for a full day/night? Or for both Saturday and Sunday? You need a break! Respite sometimes helps to just take a breath and then come back fresher and with more energy to give. He could even come over in the week to do bed time. Have you discussed sharing child responsibilities, is he open to being more hands on? This is his child too!

Ps you’re not failing. You’re doing the best you can with what you have. We need support to be at our best and it sounds like you need some better support from her father to get there!

If you are not already, you need to be back at work and in a routine. This will make you feel more normal and ultimately enjoy precious time with your daughter. Your ex should of course help pay for childcare.

I agree with the previous response- dad needs to do more. It infuriates me that (some) men just up and leave, pretty much wash their hands of all the hard stuff leaving the mum to muddle through and reach breaking point.

The exact same happened to me although my DD was three and a lot easier than a 9 month old baby, although it was still so incredibly hard suddenly having to manage a full time job and parenting on my own. Her dad moved away and only sees her every other weekend. I did get there in the end but there have been times when I've been so overwhelmed and stressed and feel like such a terrible mum because of my short fuse and inability to be the parent I want to be.

What I'd say is you're doing your best, it's normal to lose your rag sometimes and as long as you repair with your daughter and say sorry when you need to, it's fine. I now explain to my daughter if I've been in the wrong and say its because I'm tired or stressed or whatever. They need to learn grown ups have feelings too and also get it wrong sometimes.

But going back to the point about the dad, if he's local and there's no reason why he shouldn't be having more contact ie you're concerned, you need to push him to help more. J know she's young and needs you at this stage but he could do both days at the weekend for example and as she gets older transition to a few nights a week?

Wishing you the best of luck and I promise you're doing amazingly xxx

You're doing an incredible job in a very challenging situation. It's natural to feel overwhelmed and guilty sometimes, but remember that every parent has moments of frustration. The fact that you're reflecting on this and seeking support shows how much you care. Be kind to yourself; you're stronger than you realize.

My 4 year old cries to get ready

I just don't know how to resolve the issue with my almost 5 year old. Every time we need to go somewhere she starts crying, saying she's hot, her hair bothers her, her clothes bother her, I'm cold, I'm itching and she will just cry and not get dressed, even though she was totally fine up until the point of getting ready. Tonight she has cried for 2 hours on and off and I feel like I'm losing control.
I've tried being firm, talking to her, empathising with her, asking her questions why, playing with her and then saying we'll get ready. Yet she's saying she wants to go but won't get dressed and doesn't make any attempt to go, just cries about it. Now were starting to miss her classes which she says she wants to go to but I just cant encourage her to get ready? My husband is more firm, but I don't know what is best and now it's started to affect our relationship. I just don't know what to do anymore, has anyone experienced this? Would really appreciate any tips or advice?