I'm writing to see if anyone has any advice about how to manage anger. Today my children drove me up the wall and I ended up shouting at them, which I absolutely hate. For context, I had them 19 months apart and they are now 8 months and almost 2 and a half. The toddler is a very high energy demanding boy. The baby is mostly lovely but has been an awful sleeper since birth. I had the worse pregnancy with her, bad hemorrhage after birth, and a frankly sh*it postpartum (birth PTSD, no energy, feeling depressed). Baby didn't sleep AT ALL the first 3 months of her life and has now got a bit better but not really good enough to be able to catch up on a whole year of exhaustion. It just feels like my body has given up. Then today she went on a nursing strike and made herself so thirsty that she started screaming, while I was trying to change my son who had done an atomic poo. I ended up having to take both kids (toddler screaming as well at this point) into the shower as the poo couldn't be wiped away) and they just kept screaming at me. My ears were ringing so much I literally couldn't take it anymore. I ended up screaming back, my neighbour heard me and asked me if I needed help through the window. I've never been more mortified or more guilty for lashing out at the kids. I don't need pity or to be told off (I know what I did is wrong), but if anyone has advice on managing anger as a parent I would appreciate it. I'm at my wits' end.
(For those wondering yes my husband helps but obviously he can't while at work and I have the baby full time at home and will continue to until she turns two. My toddler is in nursery part time but at home with me the rest of the time. In-laws and mother helped a lot at first but now much less).
Sorry for the rant. I didn't know where else to turn to be honest.