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Parenting

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Abusive ex partner- stress with in laws

13 replies

Spaceraiderrr · 11/07/2024 11:12

Hi, I just wanted peoples opinions on this. My sons dad was very abusive to me, he hit me smashed my flat up, my car up spat on me, strangled me, threatened me and my family, said he’d kill me, threw glasses at me and all sorts, said nasty stuff about our son, like that he ruined his life, he didn’t want to be his dad, he wish he never had him, said F him, that he was jealous of him for taking me away from him all while my son was under 1. I finally got the strength to leave for my son I only stayed so long due to trauma bond and him being on my tenancy (also worried he’d kill himself or me) so please don’t judge me. His brother as well is a very nasty piece of work, said he hopes my son gets sexually assaulted, tried smashing his bedroom window all while he had a loaded gun in his bag (thank god we didn’t see him) I rang the police and he’s now in jail. However I am also worried for when he comes out. My son still sees his dad and uncles mom but recently it has been really stressing me out. She wants to see him more but I did tell her that many people are surprised I let them see him at all after everything. It adds so much anxiety for me as I would love a clean break, how am I supposed to get over what me and my son went through if I still still with the abusers family? My son is now 2, he is not close to them at all, and he has a good family with me and my family where he won’t ever come to any harm, we are nothing like them! But I just don’t know what to do I wish I cut it off sooner. The mom hasn’t always been the nicest to me she has recently but it’s just so much stress. I also think it will be very confusing for my son as he will see his dads family not his dad. Could anybody give me any advice please as I don’t want to be selfish.

OP posts:
JDob · 11/07/2024 15:45

Protecting you and your son is not selfish. You are right to want less or no contact. Looks like they still want control. Become harder to contact.

Julyshouldbesunny · 11/07/2024 15:46

Be less available.. Fade them out.

cupcaske123 · 11/07/2024 15:52

Are you responsible for your BIL going to jail? Has he threatened you for when he comes out? What have the police said? How do the family feel about that?

Are you worried about your son's safety with his father?

TomatoSandwiches · 11/07/2024 15:53

I'd change my number and not bother with them.

Reugny · 11/07/2024 16:01

TomatoSandwiches · 11/07/2024 15:53

I'd change my number and not bother with them.

This.

AquaFurball · 11/07/2024 16:01

Can you move so they don't know where you live? You mentioned tenancy, if it's Local Authority they can help you move without being too far away from your family just so your abuser doesn't know your address if you haven't already done that. Or homeswap. Even local Women's Aid could help if there are others locally needing to do the same thing.

Cut them out entirely, your child isn't benefitting from seeing her, if anything the stress it's causing you will end up affecting him.

Best of luck, wish you all the safety and happiness you both deserve 💐

Spaceraiderrr · 11/07/2024 18:52

cupcaske123 · 11/07/2024 15:52

Are you responsible for your BIL going to jail? Has he threatened you for when he comes out? What have the police said? How do the family feel about that?

Are you worried about your son's safety with his father?

hi sorry my mistake. My son’s dad is not in jail he lives with his mom. It’s my son’s uncle who is in jail. They are both nasty people. The mom also called the police on the uncle but still speaks to him. I know when he comes out he will be living back there or seeing them. He hasn’t threatened me but I know he will be horrible when he comes out if he would’ve saw me that day he could’ve killed me and my son. The police didn’t say much I only ever spoke to the handler. I never heard anything again. The mom did though. But she still speaks to them now and has also answered the phone to him around my son and myself. I hate to think what would happen if I wasn’t there. And yes I don’t trust my sons father round him at all, he’s jealous of him and is also incapable of looking after him. He never changed a nappy fed him and once I asked him to watch him for a second while I went to get my son’s clothes and he left my son in the bath! It was a good job I clocked it. I never left him again.

OP posts:
Spaceraiderrr · 11/07/2024 18:54

AquaFurball · 11/07/2024 16:01

Can you move so they don't know where you live? You mentioned tenancy, if it's Local Authority they can help you move without being too far away from your family just so your abuser doesn't know your address if you haven't already done that. Or homeswap. Even local Women's Aid could help if there are others locally needing to do the same thing.

Cut them out entirely, your child isn't benefitting from seeing her, if anything the stress it's causing you will end up affecting him.

Best of luck, wish you all the safety and happiness you both deserve 💐

All my family are here. My son’s dad has left me alone for now but that doesn’t mean he always will. I tried getting a restraining order but because nothing happened between a certain date I couldn’t get one. I have been to the dr and they’ve gave me someone to speak to about women that have been abused. Thank you so much I really appreciate that ❤️

OP posts:
Spaceraiderrr · 11/07/2024 19:19

He also strangled me and hit me with my son in my arms as I was sat on the sofa- then smashed up my flat and said he doesn’t care what my son sees and I had to run out and lock myself in the car.

OP posts:
Spaceraiderrr · 11/07/2024 20:37

Just realised bil means brother in law too sorry!

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 11/07/2024 20:40

If he does not see his dad you are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate contact with his grandmother unless you want to.

cupcaske123 · 11/07/2024 20:43

OP I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. If it were me, I'd do everything I could to fade out his family. I would arrange supervised contact only with the father.

If I felt threatened, I would note all incidents of threatening behaviour and get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation as well as the police. You could also phone Rights of Women for free legal advice.

Have you ever had counselling for the abusive relationship? It sounds terrifying. You might find therapy beneficial. I'm glad you've visited your GP, has anyone recommended the Freedom Programme to you? You might find that useful.

Spaceraiderrr · 12/07/2024 08:54

His dad never turned up when I gave him a chance. I also worry he will be horrible. His dad doesn’t want to know either, he gave me the money to change his name. It’s just the nan very eager to see my son more and I don’t want it.

OP posts:
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