I don't want to pass my social anxiety to my child

[AnxiousAndAwkward]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (diagnosed), social anxiety (diagnosed), and I strongly suspect I'm autistic (undiagnosed).

I'm so scared of passing my social anxiety on to my child. I don't want to deprive them of social interaction, but my anxiety prevents me from being able to attend things. I had a panic attack during my first antenatal class, I didn't manage to say a single word to anyone all class (not even hello) and now I'm too scared to go back for more. I can't imagine myself having the courage to go to parent and baby groups later. Medication helps with the worst of the anxiety symptoms but doesn't solve the problem. I've tried many different therapists over the years but therapy as a whole just doesn't seem to work for me.

I do have many acquaintances, some of whom I call friends, but really my only true friend is my husband. I am not close with anyone else.

I already love baby so much, though they're not even born yet, I feel like I would do anything for them! But I fear I'm not going to be the Mum they deserve and I don't know how to be better.

Babies & children are a fantastic ice breaker, you’ll likely find post natal groups much easier than antenatal.

it’s clear you love your baby, try not to fret about letting them down, take each day as it comes.

Realistically even the best of parents lets their kid down occasionally (my eldest is 24 and he has some quite amusing stories re: being raised by ADHD-mum-me, including various carrier bags of fancy dress/non uniform outfits being chucked over the fence at playtime, like drug smuggling into prison!)

You’ll find a way to make motherhood work for you and baby, I promise xx

I've never made mum friends or socialised with mums. My DC made friends at nursery and school, other kids in the street normally.

Good luck with your pregnancy and may you have a wonderful future with your little one.

Its good that you are thinking about these things, which means you can strategise.

Your husband will influence them too and once your child goes to nursery and school, there will be many other influences upon them, so your own feared shortcomings will be very diluted.

Go back to your antenatal classes, you don't have to speak to anyone if you don't want to but they could be useful

Are you able to work? Do you do any activities yourself that involve being in the same place as other people, if not with people? So e.g. if your conditions mean you can't cope with attending a club for a sporting activity that involves playing with other people, can you attend a gym? Do you go to shops, to the library, to the cinema?

Just trying to scope out what sort of restrictions you currently have - because you don't need to have a group of NCT friends you meet for coffee every week to raise a child, but if you would find yourself unable to take them to the doctors for their vaccinations or unable to go to the playground in case another parent tried to chat with you next to the swings, you can't ask for a ticket on the bus, you basically just stay at home and never interact with anyone, that would be a different level.

Honestly, don't overestimate the importance of baby groups. I didn't go to any with my first because she screamed the whole time. I went to a few with my second but found most of the mums went with friends and didn't talk much to others.
I don't have severe social anxiety but I do have it. I don't think it's impacted my kids. I think how they are is down to genes. I have one child who's very confident, gregarious and adventurous (basically the opposite of me). She's like her dad. I have another child who is shy and anxious, like my side of the family. Both have managed to make lots of friends and are happy. Me not going to baby groups and me not being overly friendly with the other school mums hasn't affected them at all. Yes, my son's very shy but I can really see that it's a hereditary thing. He's very much like my dad. It's just how he's wired.

Thank you, that makes me feel better 😊

Thank you! 😊 My husband is much more social than me so hoping baby will take after him in that aspect.

I'm out of work currently but that's due to the CFS rather than the anxiety.

I can do shops, library, cinema, etc, as long as I'm not expected to meet new people. I'm fine talking with Doctors, bus drivers etc.

I freak out if I have to make small talk, or answer questions about myself. I am generally better one-on-one than in a group. I even have difficulty talking to one person within a group (if that makes sense?) it would have to be just the two of us present for me to feel somewhat comfortable.

That's reassuring, thank you! Hubby is much more social than me so I'm hoping baby takes after him.

I am like you & not a fan of small talk with people I don't know. This was my worry too, I wouldn't wish social anxiety on anyone, let alone my precious children. Eldest came out super confident, will stand & speak in front of a full auditorium. Middle & youngest are like me, quite socially anxious (although I'm much better now) and it really breaks my heart.
My advice is to find a nice baby group when little one is born, ideally with a cafe attached to it. Other mums will all be in the same boat & you might find a lovely little group to meet up with and have a coffee once a week.
All talk will centre around the kids & nobody is really paying too much mind to what you look & act like because they're all too focused on their little ones.
Eventually you'll probably become quite friendly with one or two more than the others. They will be your tribe (for the time being), even though you'll have nothing more in common than similar aged kids. Good luck!

Hey - old thread but incase you see this - how are you ?

I found this thread when searching cfs

I have cfs
And im currently preg..

Wondering how you found pregnancy as a cfs patient?

I hope your doing well

Agreed, babies are a great way to be social. Find a baby group that has a cafe and go there straight after the class. Other mums likely will too and even if you don’t initially sit with them, you will end up doing so eventually.
Regarding the social anxiety, I’ve done Thrive therapy for this and it really helped. Search Rob Kelly Method.

I'm quite social and outgoing. Honestly, did not make any friends or had any real chat at the antenatal groups. At all. Everyone there is in a different headspace, I was still working so conscious of time, I was trying to pay attention etc.

Since baby was born, I have been to loads of baby groups. They were for MY benefit 100%. My baby got nothing out of it, they really don't play together under the age of 2. I have NO friends with children so going to baby groups was the only way for me to speak to other parents. If you don't want that, there is absolutely no need to go whatsoever.

Your baby just needs a loving mother. Which he/she already has ❤