Blended family

[ghunter75]

My DP and I have been together for 10 years and decided to move in together a year and a half ago. We have 6 kids between us. The two oldest don't live with us but my 15 year old DS and his 19 year old twin girls come between us and their other parents. I also have a 19 year old DD who was excited about all moving in together but very quickly decided she didn't like it. She now stays full time with her dad. My problem is I am heartbroken over this. I cannot get over it. We live in a beautiful home now which my DS seems to have settled into but I can't help but feel I have let my daughter down in some way. Her and my DP clash in personalities. He has been quite critical of her in the past and doesn't like it when I defend her. She has been cheeky to me at times in front of him which I see as just typical teenage behaviour, however he has said he doesn't think she is a nice person. I know this is not true. She is a good girl. I have sat down and spoken to her about everything and she is really grieving our old life when it was just me and her two brothers living together. I have told her she is my priority and would she be happier if we sold the new house and went back to the way things were but she says she will be getting her own place and living her own life in a few years and so it wouldn't be fair on me. We see each other weekly going to movies or something to eat and sometimes she comes over to the house for a movie and dinner. I just wish my DP could not be so critical of her. But he is entitled to his opinion and he has been a very strict parent whereas I am definitely more lenient. I just can't get over the feeling that my DD has been left behind and that I have chosen my DP over her. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Your DD is 19 and an adult so it’s weird that you speak of this like she’d be living at home forever. You’ve not let her down and if she prefers living with her dad then so be it.

I get that there is a clash with your DP but also he needs to wind his neck in a bit.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was critical of my children never mind move in with them.

I don't think somebody is 'entitled to their opinion' if that opinion is that the daughter of his girlfriend isn't a nice person and the one who is hearing this opinion is is that daughter's mother.

I might think someone is fat and greedy and maybe I'm entitled to that opinion but I don't need to tell their mother who I am supposed to care about.

Is there anyone else he's alienating you from? Do your friends and your parents like him?

Your DD is 19 and an adult so it’s weird that you speak of this like she’d be living at home forever.

Yes, the day of my daughter's eighteenth I put her on the streets with her belongings tied in a spotted hankerchief. My boyfriend called her some names as she left but he's entitled to his opinion.

Keep meeting up with your DD. Tell your partner to mind his own business and not criticise your DD to you again. Tell him if he continues he will spoil your relationship.

Her and my DP clash in personalities. He has been quite critical of her in the past and doesn't like it when I defend her.

You moved in with someone who has told you that he doesn't think your DD is a nice person.

She's been dealing with this dynamic since she was 9. How did you see this going, if not her moving out to her dads?

People on here always tell single mums to wait until their kids have grown up before moving in, and tbf you did that. You are entitled to start living your own life at some point. It also sounds like you've maintained a good relationship with her considering. I guess ideally you would have waited a couple more years until she was fully ready to be independent but it's not as if you've chucked her out on the streets.

On the other hand if he's that critical of her, is he really a reasonable person that you want to be with?

Thank goodness she had her dad's house to go to in order to get away from your DP. I think you've blown it with her; as she says herself, she'd be moving out in a few years anyway so unfortunately the damage is done.

I'd be equally concerned at your DP's attitude driving your DS out of his home too. So that might be a reason to rethink your living situation.

I agree @GoldDuster

Your DP does not like your daughter. He has made that clear. How was moving him in ever going to be a positive thing for her?
You did pick your partner over your daughter.

So at what age would you say it's okay for a single parent to move in with a partner? She's waited 10 years and her daughter is an adult. OP is allowed to live a life of her own someday surely?

So for 10 years your poor dd has had to endure this man and made worse when you both moved in together. You let her down already by putting him first. Poor kid has moved in full time with her dad that says it all. Yes she's an adult now however this relationship may never recover imagine she will keep a distance the rest of her adult life when she gets married and has her own dc.

Yes, the day of my daughter's eighteenth I put her on the streets with her belongings tied in a spotted handkerchief.

This is a mumsnet phenomenon. 18 year olds are fully fledged adults the second the clock strikes midnight on their birthday.

Other people's 18 year old children that is. 😉

So at what age would you say it's okay for a single parent to move in with a partner? She's waited 10 years and her daughter is an adult. OP is allowed to live a life of her own someday surely?

She wasn't an adult a year and a half ago and she was living at home when he moved in.

She's moved out because he has been critical of her and has said she isn't a nice person. I wouldn't live with someone who was saying these things about my daughter whether she was an adult or not.

My oldest is 21 and she doesn't live at home but she wasn't pushed out either. She moved in to the next stage of her life when she was ready.

I don't understand why people have children and listen to them read and take them to swimming lessons and sit through all those school plays and then think it's 'weird' that they live at home when they are 19.

I couldn't have any romantic feelings whatsoever for a man who told me my child was not a nice person, was critical of them, and was actually a bit of a cunt and a bully to a child clashed in personalities.

@ghunter75 out of interest, what was they dynamic like before you moved in as 10 years, the children must have spent a decent amount of time together?

Was your DP critical of her before you moved in together? Or did it escalate?

I really feel for you and in a similar position. You've not made a rash decision and blended together months after meeting. But still it's a really difficult pull of living your own life and sacrifice for children (and all the mother judgement that comes with it). Totally get it and there are no easy answers (or crystal balls!) Very easy for people in their original family units to say they would never do this.

It has escalated since moving in together. And now I'm commited to a house together and my DS to still think about. I really feel stuck and don't know what the answer is.

I'm not in my original family unit. I do not live with my partner because my priority is my kids. We have been together the thick end of a decade, we all get on like a house on fire, he is brilliant with them, he loves them and they love him. We holiday together, eat an evening meal together a few times a week, he's in charge of homework because he makes it more fun, and we hang out at weekends one or both of the days.

Just because something isn't a rash decision, doesn't mean it's a good decision. If my OH had been critical of my children and told me they were not nice people he would have nothing more than my footprint up his arse and that would be the end of that. I have chosen to be their mother, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not a martyr, but there's a compromise to be made with most things, and I think when it comes to my love life, the people making the compromise shouldn't be my children. There is no way any man is going to get in the way of my life long relationship with my children, I will not have them looking back on their childhood and thinking that it would have been much better if it wasn't for my boyfriend. You cleared out their father presumably, why replace him with another man that's nothing to do with them that is also problemtic? I just don't get it.

I'd tell him you're moving out because you've gone right off him, due to his behaviour since you moved in. And do it.

Too late now, but you should have waited a couple of years until your Dc were adults given your DP's behaviour towards your DD.

From her perspective you have chosen him over her; not a position I'd want to be having to justify to my DC.

Keep meeting with her and reiterating that you love her, but you have to accept that the damage is done from your previous actions.

So OP has spoken to her daughter about this and they are fine. We don’t know what she said to her which set the DP off but everyone is suggesting she bin her partner or 10 years for an adult child who has told her she is moving on. What a load of 💩 - how many of you have children who have fallen out with their dad that you live with? Did you dump your husbands? Show me a family where the dad isn’t a bit black and white and the mum is the more lenient one?

DP probably got annoyed because the DD was rude to the partner he cares for deeply. My own kids can be AWFUL to me and I know it will annoy my DP and he’s entitled to have an opinion but would I dump him if he voices that my grown child is being a bit of a knob? No, because I can see that he’s being caring and that my child is acting out.

Of course she is being nostalgic about the good old days. That’s only natural. My own ExH moved on VERY quickly and I did not on purpose get into a live together relationship. Now I have a cracking partner and my youngest actually said they wanted him to move in.

The notion that you can blend families and everyone will get on is unrealistic but it is also unrealistic that every woman that finds herself single with children should pause her life until the kids are ready to move out. What if you have one kid that loves the new partner and one that doesn’t?

Also, having your 17-18 year old move in with their dad is not exactly turfing them out on the street is it?! Surely her Dad is a parent providing a home as well? Why is it seen as some form of abandonment that she has moved in with her own father? Great that she gets on well enough with her dad for that to be an option. Let her be rude to her own dad and see how she gets on with that.

I couldn't be with someone who actively disliked one of my children and told me he didn't think she was a nice person. What a pompous and unpleasant man. No wonder she voted with her feet. And how mature and reasonable of her to put you first and say that it doesn't matter because she'll be independent in a few years. I suspect she is a much nicer person than he is.

My 19yo, while working and independent in some respects, is very vulnerable and certainly not ready to move out yet. I want that process to happen naturally, when he is ready. I don't think I could stomach having him forced out by a hostile partner, so I can see why you are upset.

She's right that she'll be living independently at some point, but I assume you don't want that to be the end of your involvement in her life. Your partner openly dislikes her. This is not going to go away and will affect how close you and she can be, how much time you can spend together, how welcome she feels in your home. Weddings, holidays, special occasions, possibly grandchildren...all profoundly affected by the fact that this guy would rather she wasn't in the picture. Is he worth it?

He sounds really nasty, no wonder she didn’t want to hang around, you have chosen your partner over her.

Depends what you mean as cheeky, I wouldn't like it if my adult dsd was not nice to her dad (she's lovely to both of us so not an issue) cheeky and rude can be pretty close, and it sounds like what you dismiss as one he finds is too far. Without knowing the circumstances I couldn't comment on whether you are dismissing bad behaviour or he's overly strict, but ultimately she's an adult and fine living with her dad, not all dc cope with blending as adults but you deserve your own life.

We ended up with one dc each living with us full time, both adults, of course I feel a little guilty that my other dd isn't here but as an adult they get to choose, she's really independent and didn't want to move in with me.

I'm inclined to agree with @NosyJosie

If op's daughter was excited to move in after her mum being with her dp for the best part of 10 years it sounds like their relationship has been good for the most part.

He sounds like he's more sticking up for you op than attacking your dd but only you will know that.

The way one of my friends dds speaks to her is appalling and her dp hates it.

It may be that now she's an adult he feels like he can pull her up on a few things if she's treating you badly however it's hard for strangers to know the ins and outs.
It says a lot though that you still have a good relationship and she's happy coming to the house so he can't be that bad. It could just be a personality clash now they actually live together.

A few of my friends liked their biological parents much more once they moved out but had awful times as teens clashing with them and openly say they could never go on holiday with them let alone live with them.

Step parents always seem to held to such higher behaviour standards than regular parents on Mumsnet.

Thank you - that was my point. As a single mum you try to find someone who is a good role model but that also means a man who has standards. Both my children’s father and my lovely partner think I’m waaaayyyy too soft on the children. But I think that is a mum thing and it doesn’t automatically mean this DP is the horrible person he is being made out to be in some of the comments. Sheesh.

Between me, my DP, my ex, and his new partner, we have a sizeable crowd and it is inconceivable that everyone is adorable and love eachother. Luckily mine are the only children (barely) living at home but I have to be fair in this debate and admit that I like some of my DPs kids more than the others. And my main reason for any dislike is that they do not always treat him with much consideration (unless they need money). Likewise my ex’ new partner has come to blows with my teenagers and strong words have been exchanged.

OP I hope your DD has as good and healthy relationship with her dad as she does with you. Don’t feel guilty and sad. Maybe it will do her good to have some time with her dad.

Thank you all so much for your replies. My DP is not a bad person and equally neither is my DD. Just differing standards on what we let our kids away with...probably based on how we were both raised. No easy answer and no black or whites in this. But appreciate all of your points. Thank you!