PND or just finding it hard?!

[RidingTheWavez]

I’m a first time mum, little one is 4 months old now and I’m finding it easier in some respects but also finding it hard still!

I’ve struggled a lot with my mood since having the baby, it has settled but I still get angry/overwhelmed/tearful a lot and often quite easily. I also feel like I don’t have the energy to speak to friends/family much or go out anywhere. I was very nervous taking the baby out particularly on my own for a long while, as she was so unsettled for the first 3 months or so (used to scream in the pram or car) which has made things harder for my confidence. Now I still get anxiety about doing new things in case she won’t nap or has a melt down out and about, she has just started napping in the pram for a short time rather than on me which is positive. We have started going to a weekly baby class which has also helped but other than that don’t get out lots aside from a walk. I don’t really have huge amounts of friends nor ones with children who are a similar age.

I absolutely adore my baby and have bonded with her and focus all of my energy on being an upbeat happy Mum for her, but I feel very low and isolated a lot of the time. I also miss having quality time to myself and feel like I’ve completely lost my identity/feel gross in my appearance. My partner is a dream and helps out after work and I’m able to talk to him about how I feel, but I still have this niggling feeling that something isn’t right mentally but I don’t know if it just takes a while to adjust and settle with hormones?! Is it worth speaking to my HV or someone? Has anyone experienced similar? PND always sounds more extreme and I don’t have the bonding issues with baby. Finding it hard to talk to people about it as I feel guilt or like a rubbish Mum.

Couldn't bear to read and run as I was exactly the same! I didn't get diagnosed but I'm pretty sure mine was PND.

It's so hard isn't it?? Regulating your mood when you're exhausted and there's so much crying and mess and everything feels so overwhelming! Getting baby to sleep in the pram and going to a class are brilliant steps which will honestly help so much. Fresh air, lots of fluids and as much conversation as you can bear, will all help to melt away that fog little by little by little until you come out the other end.

Facebook can be great for meeting other local mums who fancy a walk or a coffee and won't bat an eye if you turn up with your top on inside out, or possibly decorated with a bit of sick!

It's always worth speaking to your HV or GP, and please don't ever hesitate to reach out if you feel you need more support ❤️

It sounds like maybe PND and so speak to the GP. Some areas the health visitors run baby groups specifically for people who may be struggling in different ways which also may help as there will be less need to pretend it’s all ok when it isn’t

Even if it is ‘normal’ I’d speak to HV/GP who can signpost to talking therapies to help with anxiety. Motherhood is isolating and loss of identity is real. My second has just turned 1 and DH and I are finding it really hard.

Op that sounds hard. It does sound like PND, I would speak to your GP and your health visitor might be able to point in the direction of some baby groups/support groups. It is hard having a baby but you sound quite down. Do you have family support close by?
Might sound odd but on days I felt a bit alone or lost I'd go to my local big M&S and go for a coffee in the cafe. It's full of granny's who are so friendly when you have a little baby with you, feels like you've seen people and got some fresh air.

@hulahoopqueen Ahh thank you that is kind. Can I ask how long it took for you to feel ‘better’? I’m trying to get out at least every other day for some fresh air, some days you just want to tidy around and stay in your pjs! It’s hard when you don’t feel motivated and feel anxious about going places, I honestly didn’t expect it at all! I thought I’d be out having coffees every day loving maternity leave. I tried Peanut and also the baby class, but haven’t found any ‘mum mates’ yet!

@Digestive28 @PurBal Thanks both I think I will reach out to my HV or GP just to sound things out.

@Attheendoftheday86 Thats a good idea! I often feel like I don’t know where to go or what to even do. And then tend to avoid places if I think it’ll be more hassle than it’s worth! I do have DM nearby but to be honest I thought she’d be more helpful than she is, she adores the baby but it’s like she has to be asked to help rather than offering/calling round, or expects me to go there which isn’t always what I need!

Mum mates take a while - you really have to get to thr point of exchanging mobile numbers and arranging 1:1 meet ups for friendships to really take off.

Whereas, you'll find you chat to lots of different people at baby groups on different days having casual conversations about babies (the only thing you have in common). Those quick chats can still be quite affirming, though.

Do talk to your GP or HV though. HVs in particular often run special groups that aren't advertised, but can be smaller and easier to meet people at.

Confidence with taking the baby out will come with time - I only started leaving the house for more than a 10min walk at 6 weeks, and driving from about 4 months onwards. Just remember that every other mum you meet with be having similar challenges and anxiety!

@Mistralli Thank you that’s really reassuring, going out in the car alone a few weeks ago was HUGE for me I was so nervous she’d scream and I wouldn’t be in the back seat to soothe her. I I did actually chat to some people at the baby class recently who made me feel like I’m not the only one having similar challenges e.g baby hating the pram - so you’re also completely right there!

I should have added - after the slow start, I went on to have a lovely maternity leave, meeting lots of interesting mums, an regularly sitting in cafes. I also did baby yoga and swimming and massage and sensory classes (not all at the same time!) - I did different things every month or two, and tried to have 2 classes a week to get me our if the house. I found free things it was too easy to forget or not bother, but a paid for class forced me to go.

I'm sure you'll be fine in another few months.

Only 1 mum friend has really survived us all going back to work, though, so there is no real point in investing too much effort to make deep friendships.

This is so normal. You are not alone.
Speak to your GP, talking therapies are really good for this.

Do you have any 'old' friends to talk to? It's really not quantity, but quality of friends that get you through things like this. I went through delayed PND after a traumatic birth and a childless friend was actually the most supportive, amazing friend to me because she knew 'me', and help me remember who I used to be.

Something I also realised eventually is that even those mums who made it all look like a breeze - it isn't, they have their moments too. It is hard. But it does get better 💜

@yellowgecko Thank you 💜 I do have a handful of close friends, I have mentioned to one or two how I’ve felt and they’ve been supportive in that moment but I think people are often so preoccupied with their own busy lives or think I will have adjusted/got used to motherhood now. I do feel as though I have withdrew from friends slightly due to how I’m feeling - you never want to burden people or sound ungrateful etc do you.

You have described how I felt to the letter. I did have a lot of anxiety and I suspect PND although never diagnosed. My bond with the baby was very strong and I loved her so much, but it was just so HARD. My lowest point was when she was about 7-8 months, and then after that it just steadily got so much easier in so many ways. And of course more challenging in other ways!!
I got through it by literally going to every baby class I could possibly do. I hated every single one of them but I couldn’t be stuck in the house all day and baby was never happy being at home all day. After consistently being the noisiest, angriest, most challenging baby at every single baby group I just sort of learned to lean into it in the end. At first it always upset me that everyone else’s babies were so chilled out and I thought I was doing something wrong. It made me want to hide away and not go again, but I just kept persisting as my week NEEDED structure or I’d go mad. I do genuinely think these classes contributed to how confident and sociable she became as I’m certainly not that outgoing by choice! And I made a few good mum friends there too.

Once I was back to work and seeing other adults that weren’t my partner and where the discussions weren’t always about babies, I began to feel there was still a bit of the old me in here somewhere. Do I feel 100% my old self? No. Will I ever? I’m not sure. But I have an acceptance of the “new-me” now that took a long time to come.
I will say it does take time and a lot of it for me came with watching my baby develop and as our bond grew deeper and deeper. When they become more like actual people and start showing a personality and doing funny things and finding things funny, it just becomes so much more rewarding and enjoyable. I think anyway! For me, the baby stage is a lot of hard work with very little reward. But that doesn’t last forever and by a year they start to give you so much back. I still feel fuzzy inside when I think about the first time my little girl came over to me to give me a cuddle of her own volition. You get more moments like this as they grow that make it so much easier.

Just a couple of practical tips from a mum of a fellow car and pram hater!

For the car, the car seat can be a big factor. Some infant seats are really uncomfortable and babies hate them. You might find she's much happier in her next stage seat if you can get a good fit. For the pram, if she's still in the bassinet try her in the buggy seat laid flat or nearly flat. It was a game changer for my son. My daughter was still a fusspot but was the dream in a sling. I knew I could take her anywhere in the sling and it would be fine - if she cried five mins of fast walking and she'd be asleep. We have an ergobaby adapt which is comfy for me and her.

Other than that, it does sound like you're having a rough time. Please don't feel everyone else is breezing it though, it's hard! But if you are teary and overwhelmed all day rather than just the evenings when everyone is tired I'd speak to your GP. Look after yourself x

How are you feeling now @RidingTheWavez? I have PND & did my best to muddle through but I really struggled for longer than I should have. I thought I was okayish but perhaps not cut out for motherhood. DS is nearly two, and I’m finally feeling well but only because I’m on the right antidepressants. I’m certain I developed PMDD as a result of having a baby. I changed my meds a few times and feel like the old me again, even though I still have some low moments it’s all much more manageable.

I’ve had depression in the past and it passed, but this has been persistent and different. The hormonal changes were intense. The changes our bodies go through are profound.

Only you know how you really feel. The things you describe don’t sound okay to me. Don’t talk yourself into feeling fine. It’s not normal to feel down and bored, though it does get boring it should be manageable and not feel like a chore. I felt like you unmotivated, and everything felt hard.

Ask your mum to come around and tell the close people around you what you need. Tell them you’re not okay. Go to the GP, do the same & get on some meds. I found CBT helpful to an extent but I knew it was hormonal. Keep at the baby classes, you’ll eventually make friends.

IMO/IME far too many women walk around feeling much worse than they should and people just say it’s motherhood, when in reality it’s PND.