DD prefers DH massively - please help!

[Blast182]

So I know 'it's just a phase' and all that. I've googled it so many times and all the advice says is 'it's normal, it will pass' and I get that. I know it will...

But has anyone got any advice on how to maybe speed up the phase to break through the other side 😆

DD is 2. She looooves DH so much. Which is amazing because I know so many other mums would love this. But it's at the point where she pushes me away, screams, bites, hits etc if its my turn to do bed time. Or basically do anything for her if DH is here. I've been in tears over this so much as its been going on forever now.

DH is so great with it. If it gets too much he will take over and we used to take bed times in turn. We have a 7 year old DS so one night I'll do DS and DH does DS bedtime and visa versa. But this is wearing us down as DH doesn't get a break at all. Its definitely effecting his mental health too and I'm just done with being pushed away.

Again, I know this is very common but has anyone figured it out?

Sorry if that's a bit garbled. I'm an illiterate emotional wreck atm 😆

No good advice but solidarity here. My 2 year old is very similar so I’m also looking out for the replies.

Sorry I have no advice but my 20 month old DD is the same and it feels like she’s been in this phase forever. She is obsessed with her dad, sobs when he leaves and won’t even really acknowledge me if we’re both there. She is a bit better when it’s just us two but won’t give me any random cuddles or anything, it breaks my heart.

I wouldn’t give in and allow DD to bite etc until she gets her own way with DH taking over. When it’s your turn for bedtime, it’s your turn.

So that's what we've been doing so far and it just seems to be making it worse. So on my bed time, I would take her up, kicking and screaming and DH would completely stay out the way. I'd stop her from hitting and biting, so I hold her back or what ever (in a nice way not like pin her down 😆) and eventually she breaks down in tears, snuggles and gives in but the last month or so she just doesn't. I'm under other stresses atm so I'll be honest. Lately I have been saying it's too much and DH takes over. She's such a strong willed kid, which I love about her but sometimes I just can't battle. It suuuuucks. Our first kid was so easy 😆

It sucks right! I'm like gentle parenting the hard way, giving her my all but with boundaries etc, doing everything like we're supposed to and nothing 😆 If it makes you feel better, I read somewhere that the reason they are like it at this stage is because they know mums love is unconditional and will push so hard because they know you'll always be there for them, regardless of if they are "being good" or not and not reject them for what they are feeling or going through. Which is an amazing basis for the future. Doesn't help with mum's self worth right now though 😆. I find wine helps a bit though 😆

Fingers crossed some other mums have it sussed eh 😆 If I figure out the golden answer in the mean time, I'll update you. 🖖

Your time will come. They al do this at periods and then it changes again.

It's probably evolution's way of making sure we don't get bored and stop taking care of them. It reminds us how much we love them.

We're the same but the other way round. My 2.5yo is super clingy with me, only wants "my mummy" at bedtime, playtime, mealtime, etc etc and it is exhausting! Won't let dad near her... unless I'm not there. I'm now 17w pregnant with no2 so didn't want this to continue as I just physically can't have her cling to me all the time and when baby comes it will be a nightmare.

So on a Sunday her dad takes her out of the house for an entire afternoon and they go do something fun together, then Sunday night mummy "has to go to the shop" so I head out to a coffee shop at about 6pm and daddy takes her to bed. Gradually she is now used to Sunday being her day with dad and I no longer need to leave the house, she'll go up with dad. She still wants me most of the time but it is gradually getting easier to have her spend time with dad, she even woke crying for him the other night - it's usually always me! That has taken months of consistently going out together on a Sunday though, it has been a slow process. We've been dealing with clinginess to me for about 8 months now 😣 so I'm so happy to see progress!

Maybe take a day a week where you both do something special together, without dad?

My DS is 2 and is exactly the same but with me. He's frankly quite horrible to DH and it's really hard to watch, and exhausting for me.

What is she like when he's not around? I find DS is absolutely fine and loving with DH when I'm not there, but if we're both in the house then his dad is not allowed to do anything.

I feel awful for DH, he's such an amazing dad but I can tell it's upsetting for him and he always wonders if he's doing something wrong which he absolutely is not.

It's been like this since DS was born. I think the tide will turn one day, but it's a long old slog getting there!

Cross post! I feel your pain. It's so emotionally draining for everyone! I love being DS's safe space but can't wait for the day he chooses DH over me. It's the worst when DH comes in from work after I've picked DS up from nursery and he barely even acknowledges DH 😔

@BabaganooToo same. I feel so bad for her dad who is a great dad to her, and also I'm exhausted and overstimulated and get nothing done! And feeling guilty about wanting her to leave me alone. It's tough isn't it?

But at the same time I absolutely know I'd feel exactly the same as OP if it was the other way round.

Why can't they just like mum and dad the same??!!

OP, I read on Instagram somewhere about a woman who was having the opposite issue (DC only wanted mummy all the time) so when it was daddy's turn to do bedtime and DC was crying for mum, dad started a calm conversation about all the nice things about mummy and how much they both love mummy and their favourite things about mummy etc etc etc. the talking helped and soon DC was going to sleep with daddy. Maybe you could try that with DD about how wonderful DH is 🤗

I agree with PP that you should stay firm. Don't be swapping around or they will continue the behaviour if they think they can get what they want. I think it's important for young children to be used to more than one person putting them to bed in case that person suddenly is unavailable e.g. illness, travel whatever. Just ride it out, make sure you stay perfectly calm throughout (I know, I know, easier said than done!) and it will eventually stop. Also echoing PP that said they swap around all the time. My eldest is 6 and I can attest to that. Sometimes daddy has been the 'favourite' and in other periods me, same with my toddler.

I think dh needs to model wanting you and I also think he should be disgusted with her being horrible to you.

The favoured parent needs to really big up the less favoured one. Make it clear that he loves and adores mummy. That spending time with her is wonderful. The DD will be keen to follow suit. Worked for us.
And there was a total reversal when she reached school age and she needed someone who could empathise and help her with the transition

I remember those days and feeling quite hurt, although obviously a 2 year old doesn't do these things intentionally. I would keep alternating bedtimes regardless of how your DD reacts so she learns Daddy doesn't come running whenever she demands. Also 1:1 time outside of the home with each DC if possible. Then you can hopefully have some enjoyable time with her without her being distracted by Dad.

It is no comfort to you at the moment, I know, but my Daddy's girl is now a difficult 14 year old and she and her father are really struggling with their relationship. I am so thankful that they had that close relationship earlier on. I know DH cherishes those memories and it helps him sustain some of their relationship now things are different.

DS1 was like that when he was 2. I found it really draining and hard. What worked was carving out niches of things that was just us. Cycling together and baking were the things that worked here - two things that it turned out DS1 really liked and DP had no interest in, so I was the only option!

It eventually evened out. DP is definitely more naturally fun than I am, so to a certain extent I accept that I am the least "fun" parent, but I'm now valued in other ways, which definitely wasn't the case when DS1 was two...

You just got to let her go through the phase and not worry so much about it. No reason to take turns. Let your man take over and eventually she will get her fill of daddy time. My toddler massively prefers me and it’s very difficult because of the pressure and his crying for me is heartcwrenching. So just enjoy the fact you get a break from her for now! It isn’t personal. I think it’s very common and Freud discussed it in psychosexual stages, which may be weird but there’s some truth in it