Todays skirmish in the ipad wars.

[Suitcasesthree]

Should I ban the ipad entirely?! My approach is clearly not working. The ipad stays in my room overnight to prevent DD9 using it when she should be asleep or at insane times like 5am. She uses youtube to watch grown men play nintendo games (that she could play herself on the switch) or Minecraft videos. I hate them. I hate the noise, having to ban them if they swear, having to tell DD to come off it.

Today she tried to come in and get her ipad at 6am and hour before she is allowed it which woke me up. Then she watched it all through breakfast, while cleaning her teeth, as she got dressed, while I brushed her hair and had it held right in her face as I tried to straighten her uniform. That ipad is never out of her hands, any second she gets, from on the loo, to meal times.

When I tell her to give it a rest I get tears, claims, tantrums, the whole works. I might just give up and let her have it and leave her where she is. No clubs, no days out, no getting ready for school and see how she likes that. Would that make her see how disruptive it is?

She's got so many things to do, art, a pc, a piano, a guitar, tv in the living room, a switch, so many books, toys, games but she does nothing only youtube. Disclosure, she does have ASD and I assume this is a special interest but its doing my head in.

Please help me.

Personally I would just get rid of it completely.

Have you looked into parental controls? I don't know about ipads but the Android and PC parental controls can go to app levels so you can set controls on YouTube or whatever as well as total screen time.
I find it's much better as the tablet itself then is regulating it rather than you as a parent.
The other think I found is that kids need engagement to play with their toys. So it's not enough to just provide them with stuff but you need to actually play with them (or get a playmate). That gives them the same dopamine hit as the tablet. Just having some nice toys doesn't do it

Does your home broadband have a setting where you can restrict the ipads access to it at certain times? I'd look into that, so she will know it won't work overnight and before school in the morning.

I would loose the charger and not be able to get a new one.

I'd get rid of it without a second thought

I am quite liberal with my 9 year old using the iPad, but she’s not allowed to watch it while having breakfast, getting dressed etc - so that would be the first place to start for me, unless your DD’s ASD means she would struggle with this.

Other people have mentioned parental controls to restrict the times the iPad works/ restrict wifi, which sound useful. Do you have the usual parental controls set up so she can’t download apps etc?

My DD also watches videos of people play games, which I find baffling! We’ve had to ban a couple of YouTube channels for swearing. My rule is that a one-off swear word is fine (like if something surprising happens in the game), but more than once is unacceptable.

One new thing we are trying is enforcing screen free time for all of us, as DH and I are guilty of being on phones a lot (like now!). This has encouraged DD to read and draw during these times, though she’s desperate to go back on the iPad or play a computer game afterwards. I think it works because she sees that DH and I do it too.

My daughter became completely obsessed with You Tube. It directly impacted her behaviour - negatively! I took it away, it was easier to just blanket ban it than say you can have it for an hour or whatever and deal with the drama.

I gave it back after four weeks but no you tube.

Interestingly she's an identical twin, her sister couldn't be less bothered.

I read threads like this and I feel like I’m on another planet.

our kids get one hour of screen time a day (in addition to evening telly, etc). When that’s done, it’s done. If they use the screen outside of this, they lose screen privileges for some time, up to a week.

We’ve not had to enforce this for years now, because we were absolutely consistent in the early days. Back then we had a spate of infractions - sneaking the iPad into bedrooms, etc, but after a couple of month-long bans, that stopped.

feels like you need to remember who’s in charge 😉

I have downtime set up on my DD's iPad, none of the apps are usable before a certain time in the morning (currently when she's already at school, we don't have iPad time before school) or after a certain time in the evening, to let her wind down before bed. You can also set limits on specific apps in iOS so they become unusable after a specific length of time and the YouTube kids app has a timer you can set. In our house once those limits have been met that's it for YouTube etc.

The whole reason we have the iPad is because DD is dyslexic and finds the screen easier to read from as you can adjust brightness and font size and it can read to her as she reads along which is really helpful for her. I have no limits on reading (she has the Amazon kids plus app so she can read her kindle books and that has some good parental controls on it too, the entertainment stuff doesn't unlock until she's done a certain amount of reading for example) or anything educational such as her spelling and maths apps but quite strict limits on things like videos and games.

We have some very simple rules alongside the parental controls, it doesn't stay in her room overnight, she gives it to me when I ask for it, the limits are the limits and that's it and she does her 'work' (golexic app, spellings and typing practice) before she goes on YouTube etc. If she doesn't want to abide by those rules then the iPad doesn't go on at all.

DS 8 is allowed one YouTube video a day which he watches on the one TV in the sitting room so I can monitor what he is watching. He can then have pretty much unlimited TV as he is really good at managing that himself as it isn’t addictive in the way YouTube is and he does things like Beavers, swimming etc so gets lots of screen free breaks in the evening. I would be setting very strict limits and would ride out the tantrums etc that will occur the first few days.

The iPad belongs to me so DS knows he always has to ask to use it (I do allow the school apps but nothing else). Does the iPad belong to your DD? If so it might be an idea for it to ‘break’ and you just have the school apps on your device which she has to ask permission to use.

I am much stricter than most other parents I have spoken to but I think we should be getting stricter about screen time for kids. Good quality TV is one thing but YouTube needs to be strictly controlled imo.

Oh yes I forgot to say zero screens for an hour before bed. He has a yoto which he enjoys listening to during that time.

Just take it off her!

Explain you're having a reset. She's allowed it for 1 hour after school when xyz is all done (homework, tidy bedroom whatever).

You can decide on the limits etc but the key thing is to set a clear and fixed schedule with NO grey or room for manoeuvre. It's easier for kids to have consistency.

Mine just know not to ask before school or before 5pm as it's always a hard no. It saves so much arguing.

Then tell her if she moans / sneaks / tantrums then she doesn't get it the next day at all. If she goes over / sneaks it you take it off her immediately, reinforce the punishment and stick to your guns.

Ride out the tantrums for a few days which will be horrific (she's an addict - everything in her brain will be screaming for the dopamine) but after a week or so you should be through the worst of it

Some good ideas on here. I have tried the limiter for youtube and that seems to work, yet she goes on roblox or iplayer.

She does struggle massively with demands as it is, the meltdown this morning was amazing. "You don't want me" and all that rubbish. If I didn't care, I'd not be doing this. I feel awful banning anything but it's got to be done. One hour after dinner on the days she is not at activities. I will just have to get on the floor and play with her, like a toddler. If it means I get my sanity back, so be it.

Everything seems up for negotiation or debate which is not on. I explained this morning again that I make the rules and I say when it comes out.

Did PP miss the ASD?! Just takenitnoff her.... good luck with that!!!

She's self regulating with it. Does she find school hard? Mine would use it to avoid thinking about the fact she's getting ready to go somewhere that caused her so much pain and trauma.

Try introducing other activities and reducing the screen time. It can be hard and you have to try lots of options until you find something. Mine us older and now often uses art to self regulate, but still spends a lot of time on her phone and PC. Some of the screen time is designing and doing art on the screen, so at least it's not just videos! But she also paints, enjoys model painting, craft projects etc.

She’s ASD. Shes self regulating.

Mine watched tv in the morning. But was allowed it evenings and weekends.

Shes fine.

What’s she watching on iPlayer @Suitcasesthree ? I’d prefer that to YouTube - at least there are no adverts and the BBC often does good quality programmes. Could she watch it on TV rather than the iPad with the temptation of other apps/ games?

Are there any more interactive apps she might enjoy? My DD liked art, so I’ve downloaded a drawing/ animation app for her on the iPad - I’m happy for her to have screen time doing that as it’s not just passively watching videos.

Yes, get rid and go cold turkey for a time.
They aren't mature enough to limit themselves so you have to.

Why are you letting her use it all that time? Especially before school.

Limited time and hour every other day maybe but it seems she has too much freedom with it.

Mine are horrid even after an hour but accept sadly the use of tech is part of life and the future so really restrict it. Never before school and certainly not if they haven't done homework etc first. It is removed as a consequence of behaviour/rudeness too.

The ASC is exactly why I haven't banned it already. She does struggle with other children, not in a bullying sense, just that they are not dogmatic in their approach. I cannot stand the Mario men though. They go through me in a morning. I think compromise is having it in the evening. She can watch TV in the morning, she could even play her switch or play roblox, anything but the shouting men.

She enjoys making her own music. I've got a friend getting some production software together for her PC.

That sounds promising.

Like I say, mine's older but Swampy and DanTDM was the sound of her childhood. Urgh! I did let her use headphones to save my sanity, she also made her own videos with a friend, tried to find other people to latch onto (although that was mostly Swampy's mates!) etc.

You could try fidget toys, chewy toys, simple journaling, art etc. I used to have a colouring book and pencils on the dining table, have the TV on, get her to help with breakfast etc.

I feel awful banning anything but it's got to be done

Don’t feel awful and yes it does. You’re doing her a favour.

Why does ASD mean the OP should allow her child to have or do things that are not good for her? OP is clearly unhappy with how the iPad is taking over her child's life and the content of what she is watching which sounds like utter drivel.

People had ASD before iPads and men shouting their heads off on YouTube videos existed. I'm sure her child will have other ways to self-regulate or will find ways in time, just as any child breaking an iPad/phone addiction will need to find other things to do.

Where did I say that? I said the advice to just cut her off was flawed. I suggested a gradual transition to other things that help her regulate.