My narcissistic mother has dumped me!

[Blackcatsarecool]

I was raised by my dad and only saw my mum for half of every second Christmas holiday. My brother and I lived with my dad and my half brother and sister lived with my mum. Looking back, their life was a disaster, my half sister told me a couple of years ago that my mum kicked my half brother out of the house when he was 9 and he lived on the streets on and off until he was an adult. She also had a string of abusive relationships. When I was a teen, mum and I reconnected and I lived with her for around a year before I moved back in with my dad. She has always been a hard person to get along with. Fast forward to now, I’m 47 and have 4 wonderful children ranging from mid 20’s to 17 and a beautiful little grand daughter who’s almost 4. My mum has no relationship with any of her children or her 17 grandchildren or great grand children. I’ve always felt sorry for her because she tells me she’s lonely and no one has anything to do with her so I’ve always tried to call her daily and visit hers couple of times a year with my kids and grand daughter. (My kids don’t like her either and two of my kids refuse to see her).
My daughter and her husband recently had a still birth at 33 weeks. I called my mum and asked her to come to the funeral. She lives around 1.5 hours away and has a car. She told me her car’s unreliable and I’d have to pick her up. I didn’t really want to leave my daughter so I asked my mum via text message if she could come with my Aunty in her car and she said no. She said she’d be there in spirit and not to make it bigger than it has to be. I haven’t replied to her, and she hasn’t contacted me. It’s been about month now. No call, no text. Not even a card or bunch of flowers for my daughter who was the only grand child (Out of 18 grand kids) who spoke to her. Right before it all happened my mum told me she’s started talking to my brother And his family again. She told him no one in the family speaks to her and she’s lonely… so it seems as though she’s dumped me during one of the hardest and saddest times of my life, when I’ve lost my second grand child. Her absence was obviously very hurtful but not surprising. After everything I’ve done for her, put up with her argumentative personality, biting my tongue and saying nothing to keep the peace with her over the years because I thought she was lonely and couldn’t help the way she was… not coming to her great grandson’s funeral is unforgivable now. Not sending a text message or a phone call to my daughter to express her sympathy is unforgivable and not being here to support me through this is also unforgivable. She’s not a mother and even though she seems to have dumped me, If the time ever arises where she contacts me, I’ll never speak to her again. I often wonder if my mother is a narcissist and she’s now getting her narcissistic supply from my brother and his family? She walked away from me and mine very easily.

Read ‘you are not the problem’ it’s an amazing book and will help you understand all of what’s been happening. Please read it, it’s such a great book.

Sorry you were dealt such a bad hand with your mother. Can you get some counselling and support for yourself? Do you have Employee Assistance Programme at work? They offer free counselling.

It sounds like you became a great mother despite having no template. I’m so sorry for your loss x

You are still stuck on a particular point- what mothers do, how they are, what they are for, if you like. You know the relationship you have forged with your children and that influences what you expect from your mum.

But she isn't you. She isn't like that. Regardless of a diagnosis or label, this woman did not have it in her to support anyone. No matter how tragic the circumstances. It's like expecting a dandelion to eat meat.
Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she can be maternal.

I'm so sorry for your double loss- your grandchild and any last remnant you had of hope in your mother.

It hurts. When you have time, explore that a bit either in counselling or reading up on it.

Having children really highlights the difference between a loving parent and a person who happened to birth you.

She is doing you a massive favour. You need to work on yourself so you can be comfortable letting her go. She doesn’t have a relationship with you or any of your children/grandchildren and yet you invited her to the funeral of your grandchild? It really wasn’t her place to be there on a day that should have been about supporting your child. She was a distraction and it worked.

It can be hard to accept that we didn’t get the parents we wanted, but you can’t make someone be a decent person. She’s never been a good mother or grandmother and she isn’t going to start now. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and your (grand)children is to let go and focus on the wonderful people you do have in your life.

Frankly you have been unburdened. Grieve for your dgs, support your dd. When you feel your dd’s loss is less painful just concentrate on the family you love and who love you back.
You don’t need a selfish excuse of a mother for you to be valued.
I was nc with my awful mother for her last few years and my gosh it was so freeing.

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So sorry to hear your mother has been like this. Understandably you’ve tried to forge a relationship with her despite her absence but she sounds unable and incapable of anything approaching a mother-daughter or even supportive friend relationship. It’s quite possibly due to narcissism but who knows?. Early trauma and neglect in her own childhood probably.

I’m afraid you can’t make someone be something they are not if they don’t have it in them. So don’t bang your head off that particular brick wall if all it’s bringing you is more pain. Have you ever spoken to friends or a counsellor about being let down by your mother?

Also your poor brother being kicked out at 9 years old. My god.

How awful for you I am so sorry for your awful mother and your loss. But would echo others - she didn’t give a shit about her own child so she’s unlikely to for a grandchild. Again echoing others let this be the push for you to just stop having anything to do with her. She can’t give you what you want that’s on her not you. It’s like getting annoyed with her that she can’t speak a foreign language and being sad that she won’t learn it, continuing to speak to her in that foreign language despite knowing she doesn’t understand.

I have had a very similar thing happen from my own mother and my brother. My father died last December. He was 90 years of age. Such a lovely father to me. And the only Grandfather that spent time with my two sons. My mother never had any time for them.we live an hour and a half away. So still not far if they needed anything my brother lived in London. And has done for many years. He has never come out as gay. And I have always known.my parents have a feeling he was and never had a problem with it. But my brother at the age of 57 kept his life hidden. Hence moving down south. He had never bothered to get to know his two nephews. Before my dad's funeral he had only met 2 times in the lives. They are 17 and 12. Before my father became ill. Both my parents had agreed to come and live close to me. And move into a lovely retirement village. So they put there house on the market and my husband and myself started to decorate the flat.got a decorater in. Carpets. Removal were booked and payed for. By my dad. And the my father got ill. Ended up in hospital. I helped as much as I could.going down on weekends. I could nt do anymore as I still have a job and look after the kids. And my husband also helped as much as he could.being full time trick driver. It was hard but we were there for them. Then he died. And my heart was broken. My mother and brother showed no empathy or emotion. So bitter towards my dad. He was a lovely father to me. They had thrown all his belongings out before he had died The funeral was disrespectful.saying he was not a family man. And both my mother and brother never spoke to us even my sons at the funeral. I knew something was not right. I had asked for a little bit of my father's ashes so I could make a pendant. But was dismissed.I also assumed that my mother would still be coming up to live. As the flat was already ready for her. But after the funeral. She had said that she was going down to Cornwall for a holiday with my brother for Christmas. As she my father are originally from there.Next thing was a message left on my phone saying now my father has died. Things have change and I am looking for a property in Cornwall. I was gobsmacked. I and she went to the retirement villiges manager and she said didn't you know. Your mother had cancelled the buying of the flat 4 weeks ago. The last thing I know is from a astranged cousin down in Cornwall that she had moved into a flat. Down there. So has no correspondence from my brother or my mother since December. No forwarding address or phone number she has walked away from me her daughter and her only grandchildren . I was making so many plans for her when she had moved up here but. I just feel sad For her.she is 87 years old. Why??? And she obviously has scattered his ashes. Without telling me.. I just can't forgive her for that.so I know how you feel.you are not alone.

Sorry for the loss of your Grandson, @Blackcatsarecool .

My lovely in laws had a Stillborn Daughter, and also lost a child, Susan, soon after her birth.

The loss of their Daughters definitely affected my in laws for the rest of their lives.

Your mother doesn't sound at all maternal, and is a very damaged individual.

You reap what you sow. She doesn’t deserve you. Focus on your family xx

The reason why i cut my mother from my life as the only person she cared about was the guy she left my dad for.

Looking back she was never maternal, sadly some parents have kids without really wanting them.

I'll echo what another poster said, she's done you a favour. If she can't even ask how her grandchildren are that tells you everything you need to know. That's the bare minimum.

I put all my energy into giving my family the love they need. They don't need a emotionally distant grandparent.

It's not you it's her and trust me they end up very lonely, they aren't getting any younger.

If your brother wants to be around her that's on him, let him find out for himself.

Condolences on the sad loss of your Grandchild, your heart must be breaking. Please see your mothers actions as a gift. You no longer have to deal with her, she brought nothing to your life. Concentrate on your family and don't give that woman head space.

She sounds a bit like my mother. My mother doesn’t have it in her to support anyone. During the hardest parts of others lives she made herself unavailable. When her father died she failed to support her mother. When I was dumped by my boyfriend she was unavailable.

But this post is about your family, your mother seems to be the same. What mother can bear to be separated from their daughter in the way she was? What mother puts a nine year old on the streets? SHE is defective, not you. Make your life without her, her loneliness is a result of her own actions

Ordered! Thanks @3luckystars for the recommendation.

Could you have only had two of your children for a week a year? Could you have let one of your children sleep on the streets when they were 9yrs old? She is not like you and you will probably never be able to understand how she could have behaved like that. She hasn't changed since those days, she isn't any more supportive, you have just been more useful to her recently than when you were a child. She will be back in touch when she wants something. Put the energy which you had used to connect with her into your daughter, perhaps your friends and maybe some therapy. It sounds like you have built a lovely family despite your lack of a supportive mother. Be proud of them and yourself.

Your mother has never been a good mother or grandmother so it's unreasonable to think that she is going to start now. There is something wrong with her, that is evident from her being unable to form meaningful relationships with anyone, even her own children. It's very sad but you have a choice whether to dwell on this or to get on with life with your own lovely children and grandchildren. I would choose the latter.

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who abandoned a 9 year old on the street

She made your 9 years old brother a homeless …. After that anything you wrote was absolutely insane … how do you even keep a relationship with such a person

To keep it short,I was adopted by a woman who had no right being within a hundred yards of children.... especially not her own. I could write a book.No idea where it came from,but when I was 16 I looked in my dressing table mirror and made a pact with my reflection, never would I treat any children I might have in the future as I have been treated.i kept to my pact,and have one beautiful,well adjusted 40yr old Son ,who is now a Father himself.somehow,you must find the strength to put her (metaphorically) in a box and put that box at the very back of your mind,preserve your mental health,or you will become ill trying to fix her which you never will.Take great care of yourself and your loved ones.xx

You say she is not your mother...never has been ..so just let her go. Sorry for your family loss x

Congratulations, OP. Surely this is what everyone with a difficult parent would like? You've achieved what most of us could only dream of, so now forget your mother and enjoy your life!

Your post is spot on ..says it all well said

So sorry to hear about your family’s loss.

Regarding your Mum. I would take it that it doesn’t matter if she dumped you or not. Make the decision to dump her. Doesn’t have to be dramatic, it’s just done with.

You deserve better, don’t take any less than you deserve just because you are her daughter.