Can I refuse to do the handovers (co parenting)

[Ame1924]

Hello, long story short my ex (babys fathers) recently got arrested and was put on bail for stalking and harrasing me. (He's struggling to accept the relationship is over) his bail condtions were to stay away from me and where i live, and not to directly contact me, we were using his mum for pick ups and drop offs on his days he sees the baby.

he was then in court and did end up getting charged with the stalking and harrasment, he now has to attend probation and got put on some drug and alcohol courses.. there was no mention of me or any protection for me at all. This has made him really cocky to the point he will message me and TELL me that he will sit outside my home all day if he wants as "there's nothing on him anymore". Also his mum is now refusing to pick our baby up so he can have his days with her. And now him and his whole family are saying I'm stopping him seeing his child when I'm not I just don't want to be in the company of this vile man!

He verbally abuses me on my own door step, calling me every name you can call a woman, and if its not abuse he's telling me he's booked hotel rooms or holidays for us. He's completely ignoring that I don't want the relationship anymore, I don't know what to do anymore.. will the courts make me do the hand over?

I'm baffled by where my protection in also! This is someone that purposely sits outside my house to wind me up, threatens to choke and strangle me, verbally abuses me, he's made my life hell, and adivce

Have you told the police that he's still stalking and harassing you?

This and how old is your child?

I have yes and was told the text message proof was not enough for an arrest

My child is 5 months old.. a baby

I've been told to just keep reporting every time he does somthing, but then being told its not enough, it's ridiculous

I'd start by 1. Calling the police and 2. Investing in a ring (or similar) doorbell

Are your arrangements Court Ordered or mutually agreed.

If they are mutually agreed withdraw from them and explain in writing why

Mutually agreed

To be honest I wish he would just take me to court! It would be alot easier

But then court might say I have to do the hand over as there is no condtions/restraining order in place

Get a ring doorbell asap and try to get some evidence of his abuse. Phone the police every single time, don't even answer the door to him. Let him shout through the door while you call, that's recorded evidence. He sounds vile, hope you're doing ok. I'd tell him to take you to court and provide this evidence to why you won't do hand over

Stop access

Apply for a non molestation order that prohibits him contacting you directly or coming within a certain distance of your property.

Take photos of him outside your house? What a ridiculous situation. Why wasn't a restraining order/non molestation order put in place automatically.

Can you revisit the court that took on the case and ask about why this wasn't considered at the time?

Can you apply for a non molestation/restraining order yourself? Surely having him convicted for the stalking and harassment is ample evidence!!

Yes to ring doorbell.

I’d get a ring doorbell and also a camera set up. You can get camera from Amazon that sit in your lounge window to record.

https://www.screwfix.com/p/blink-mini-mains-powered-white-wireless-1080p-indoor-square-smart-camera/708pg

get footage if what he is doing outside your house.

Contact a domestic violence charity like women’s aid. They can help you understand your rights and what is fair and reasonable.

You do not have to be part of the handover. Can you ask a friend or relative to do it for you? Or suggest a neutral location? You are perfectly reasonable to protect you (and your child) from further abuse and intimidation. You may find it useful to limit contact to an app designed for child contact communication. There are free ones available.

You can apply for a non molestation order and absolutely yes you can refuse to do handovers. Apply for the order and then ask for further advice from mums net on next steps :)

I would get a new phone and don’t give the number to your ex or his family.

Text him and his mum once from the old phone setting out the arrangements for contact so that you have evidence that you aren’t preventing it. Ask them to text you by a certain day each week if they would like contact the following week.

Then put your old phone in a drawer and only open it once a week. Check messages, respond to anything about contact, ignore the rest, put back in drawer.

Call the police any time that ex turns up at the house.

Also keep a diary. Dates times places things said, how he made you feel.

All good evidence.

Any chance you can move?

Get a video doorbell.
Keep a record of every interaction.
Speak to Women's Aid or similar.

Get a rind doorbell, they start recording when motion is detected you can set up in the app. Obviously contact woman’s aid or even a 30 min consultation with solicitor which is free. You are free to stop visitation and let him apply to the courts, which let’s face it he probably won’t. This is nothing to do with seeing the child, it’s to get at you bullying and harassment, for daring to end the relationship. A lot of his type do this and the family join in. Block them on social media and your phone, don’t respond to anything from them. Set up a email address for the child. Don’t talk to him on the phone just email. Have everything in writing be very formal when emailing.

Remember he is not above the law just because he says “nothing on him” doesn’t mean that charges can be brought against him and a more harsh punishment the next time. The thing is you mentioned probation well I would get in touch with them, surely he is in breach.

Do you get on well with any neighbours perhaps ask them to call police if he turns up and is abusive. Alternatively could you write to police complaints for your area detailing the fact he is still doing this and actions against your former partner are not being investigated.

If you set the conditions so that he and his family had to do the work would they simply let contact drop?

Might it also be worth talking to Social Services and Probation about your childs safety with him and his family

This organisation will help you get a non-molestation order for free
www.ncdv.org.uk/

Just to add does he care for your baby well, safe to be around baby? He doesn’t sound like a caring person at all.

I would suggest that you seek advice from whichever domestic abuse agency there is in your area.

If he has already been arrested and charged with stalking and harassment then it is reasonable that you should not have to do handover,.

kkneat · Today 07:32
This organisation will help you get a non-molestation order for free
www.ncdv.org.uk/

This needs bumping or pinning (sorry, do not know the terms) but needs to be fully visible for Mumsnetters, rather than in the middle of many posts. Anyone know how this can be done?

Sorry, OP I have no advice, but I am astounded that the police think he should get away with this.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/anti-social-behaviour-asb-case-review-also-known-as-the-community-trigger

Might be useful, its for ASB so might get you somewhere.

But for what its worth, it seems to me that if you address your ex's behaviour eg reatraining order etc that in turn will drive the contact arrangemengts because there will then be requirements on him which any contact arrangemengts will then have to be made around.

If he elects to go to court then he will be on the back foot because of these conditions and the fact that its already been decided that he really isnt a very nice person and again any order will presumably have to be guided by the restrictions he will already be under.