How do you cope co-parenting with a shift worker?

[Turniptracker]

I've counted the days this month. 9 days he has off all to himself all day, while we have work and nursery so no me or child (age 2). 9 days I'm solo parenting all day and will have to solo several more evenings after work too. A total of 4 days this month we will be able to spend time as a family, or I can choose to use that time to have some time to myself. I'm miserable. I see other families doing things together every weekend. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a partner reliably home every evening for dinner bath and bed and to plan things every weekend as a family. Is anyone else struggling? I'm so lonely

I was confused by the term coparenting, I assumed it meant you were seperated!

What's he doing on his days off? Housework? Shopping? Getting child up and ready and doing drop off? He needs to pull his weight on those days so on the days you do have together you can make the most of them.

It does feel like we are separated sometimes given how little we seem to be able to spend time with him. He doesn't "do" mornings so even when I'm working I'm up with the toddler and dropping him at nursery. He would point out I have to get up anyway go out

He is home? He had an evening skift? I would expect him to get up in the morning with you!

He has a child. Not 'doing' mornings is a load of shit. If he has night shift and gets in at 7am, he should be getting baby ready for nursery, breakfast, etc then going to bed. If he has had a night sleep then he should be getting his arse out of bed and spending time with his child that he won't see later as on shift.

You're not having no family life because he has shifts. You have no family life because he's your eldest child and doesn't want to engage in family life.

This is exactly where I was 18 years ago with 2 under 5s. It didn’t help that he didn’t really step up when we had kids anyway, so on his days off he’d go cycling or to the gym. I got resentful and grumpy , we split up after a couple of years. It was easier in a way being a single parent but then the next 10 years he never wanted to commit to having the kids in advance because of his shifts - he was just a selfish man

i hope your man is better than this and you can work it out, but I feel your pain, it’s not easy being with a shift worker!

DH and I were both shift workers when we had our eldest 2. His shifts were predictable but mine weren't.

I requested to work around DH's days off as much as I could and we both took annual leave and stayed up after nights. I'm not saying it was easy but we survived somehow. We just didn't go anywhere together for about 3 years. One DC2 got to about 2 DH managed to get a Monday to Friday role and I did the same a couple of years later. I can't tell you how much easier life became once we were able to use childcare.

From a different perspective, I’m a shift worker (mum) my husband has a “normal” Monday -Friday job. Two nursery age children. I technically have more time to myself during the week when both kids are at nursery (not that often tbf, 1/2 mornings a week) I do often feel very guilty about my time off so I use the time to batch cook, get kids clothes ready etc to make things easier for my husband when he has the kids alone and they’re all coming home at 6pm starving and grumpy. But this only works because my husband is very happy with our arrangement, unless everyone is happy it wouldn’t work. I also try and give my husband a morning to himself every weekend. He can do what he wants, sleep, hobby, lie in bed and watch tv undisturbed. I really appreciate everything he does for us and so does he. Could you get your husband to do some stuff in advanced when he is off that would make your life easier?

I think your attitude is what I wish my husband felt. He still moans when he has to do something on his day off, like deal with tradesmen, and that it doesn't count as a day off then. I don't know where this absolute sense of entitlement comes from?! I don't feel like he appreciates how often I have to go it alone. Probably because I'm a woman and we are just expected to look after kids aren't we? Maybe you felt more guilty because your husband is a man and childcare is not traditionally expected as much of men (not saying he shouldn't, just saying the gender stereotypes run deep).

You have a DH problem not a shift worker problem.

If you are a single parent you feel far less resentment towards the other parent as you know everything is on you and don't expect anyone else to pick up the slack.

If you want to stay with him then the first option is a proper sit down conversation about the divide of chores and time. If he is open to change great. He probably won't be though, so if you want to stay with him you stop keeping count of who did what. You arrange family days out regardless as your child shouldn't miss out. You use annual leave for family time.

My husband works night, 4 on and 4 off, 8pm until 8am. On the days/nights he is working, I am mostly on my own bar an hour in the morning and evening when he plays with DS while I get stuff done/have some me time.

I give him a day to sleep after his last night shift of the week, then the second day he gets a lie in. Third and fourth day he’s fully available to do nursery run, give me a lie in, spend quality time as a family etc. It’s tough and been a long adjustment to having a child and figuring out a pattern that works. But he could see he has to step up if I’m to keep my sanity and to make sure he is as present as possible for DS and to share the load of the house etc. He can see I’m working just as hard as he is when I’m home with the child, if not harder and longer.

You both have to accept you won’t have as much ‘free’ time as before kids came along. No such thing as a whole day off when you’re dealing with shifts. But you work it so you find pockets of time for yourself, each other as a couple, and for the whole family together. Compromise and communication is key.

@PieceOfSunshine how did you make him see that you are working just as hard as he is? Because I think that is part of them problem. He sees his work as harder than my work and the days I do childcare

@Turniptracker the only way to get him to see is for you to pack up and go away for a week and let him experience it.

Chances are though he isn't going to change his mind.

Growing up my dad used to work night, he would walk in just at school time so would take us to school etc. Generally my mum did typical 'womens' chores looking after the house and us and worked in a school as a support staff so was home by 3:30, my dad did the bins, DIY and Gardening at weekends he was off, would take us to the cinema so mum had time to herself.

It worked for them because it's what they both wanted and was fairly typical of our socio-economic group in the 90s. You aren't happy though and getting him to pull his share is going to be an issue.

I think you’re exactly right about the gender stereotypes thing. Me and DH have actually spoke about this, he just doesn’t get my “guilt” feeling at all, he’ll often ask what I’m going to do on my day off and when I list my never ending chores he’ll encourage me to just have a proper day off and have a tv day, he’s a great husband and very hands on but when given the opportunity for some time to himself he will grab it with both hands whereas I very much struggle with the mum guilt and feel like I should be doing everything!

Yep you have a DH problem I’m afraid. My DH works shifts and on his days off he’s fully available for DC, even when he feels like garbage because he’s tired. I’m alone for the majority of the time usually, it is very hard but I try to get out of the house as much as I can during the day when I’m not working myself and DH recognises I do the lions share of the work at home on top of my actual job.

Have you had a frank and honest discussion about how you feel with him?

My husbands always wants to take our eldest to school when he’s working lates or picks her up when he’s working early shift (because he misses her if he’s not seen her for dinner /bedtime etc). Do you work part time and him full time? I work two days so am at home with my youngest all the other times as no nursery. We do stuff as a family when he’s off. Why are you putting up with him not doing mornings?

You have a DH problem not a shift worker problem

This is the issue. You have a lazy co-parent who sees raising children as your female job.

Do you aggressively pursue breaks for yourself whenever possible? If you don't I would start doing this.

Also make your day to day life as easy as possible without your DH's involvement.

@Turniptracker He knows I’m working just as hard because I give him a rundown of my day every day. Not to push the point, just to relay everything we’ve both been up to, highs and lows. And he can see how frazzled I am during the harder days!

Also leave him with child for the odd full day, and for half a day once or twice a week. When I’m working and he’s off he cooks, cleans, does nursery runs etc and is knackered. He gets that running a home and childcare is both fun and gruelling.

With kindness, it sounds like your partner may need to up his game and be more involved in family life. Yes, it’s hard but there are plenty of good times to be had even when you’re both exhausted! I think a big, calm talk is needed for you to state what you need and how you can both be a support for each other.

My neighbour works 8 weeks on 8 weeks off typically (offshore), sometimes 12 weeks! His kids are used to it's is his dp. You can adjust. Communication is key

The weekends we have together are sacred. Mine works from either 6-18 or 18-6 and even when he comes back from a night shift he helps get the kids off to school.