Help! 3 kids, week ends becoming really unpleasant

[SimonBolivar]

Hi
we have 3 kids
nearly 5, 9 and nearly 12
12 year old is very sensitive to noises/ arguments, definitely a chill introvert, prefers not to go on walks etc
9 year old extrovert active and noisy,
5 year old demanding and prone to tantrum if doesn’t get her way

individually they are lovely, take one out, it works really well but when we’re 5 it’s really mostly unpleasant

im also very sensitive to noise and tone of voices and my husband can do a lot of things reluctantly - so while he does something out of being a good father you can see he resents doing it because he feels like he hAS to. I’d rather he chilled and took care of himself a bit first before he “gives to the kids” when he’s not ready to give - as far as I can see he’s consuming himself alive … that also adds to tensions as I judge him and his “martyr” vibe can also affect the kids (or at least that’s what I think!)

if too much noise / tension I need to retreat and recharge.

we almost never have a happy day anymore. If we have 30min of harmony it’s bliss and rare. Most of time it’s managing each of the respective emotions, shouts arguments etc.

we don’t have especially stressful week ends that are over packed - each kid has one activity at most at the week end ; and sometimes we have a family activity.

im getting a bit down that no matter what we do / don’t do, its rarely fun or enjoyable. Every decision on what to do is an argument (sometimes between hubs and I) and sometimes just getting everyone to diner and not to blow up in middle of diner seems impossible

we do things in groups as well 2 v 3, little vs bigs boys v girls etc

i wish we could have a smooth week end without shouting- or half day. When it has happened (without screens etc) it’s because we were at amusement park which catered for all ages and the novelty and fun was way off the scale of what we can “offer” on a normal week end..

1- are my expectations reasonable or the reality of family life with 3 at this age is just that it’s a lot of arguments?
2- if any tips / what works for you/ will gladly take them.

we have space inside and outside the house to let off steam

Things I considered / tried

1. we plan too little and kids are bored
2. trying to do too much and people get all stressed out going somewhere
3. not realistic having happy family days at this stage
4. democracy - asking/ everyone chooses 1 thing for the week end (failed, garners little support)
5. coming down more strictly on emotional outbursts/ shouting etc - backfires massively and makes for even more tense week ends
6. divide and conquer / do stuff that’s age relevant in smaller groups

Sounds familiar. Family time /outings at that age = arguments, complaints and me mostly wishing I hadn't bothered.

They do remember most of the outings in a positive way though, rather than how I view them as an expensive stress fest.

I'd say try a little bit of all your 1-6

They are old enough to have some level of understanding that they cannot always have what they want. The 5year is still only learning this, but it is a vital lesson to learn in life.

So make outings a rarity - a treat. Some outings will be 1:1 adult to child, some will be someone's choice (ie birthdays/events)

Set expectations at the start about what is happening, whose treat it is.

If people who don't want to come can stay at home with someone then leave them (or if they go to a relative/friend instead)

Don't expect perfection, bickering is normal in life, but out and out attempts at ruining other people's day would lead to someone sitting in a car/on a bench with a parent to chill out.

Oh - and I left my DH at home most of the time as he just got very cross at everyone very quickly and usually overreacted over small things, making everyone miserable (including me).

His expectation was that everyone behaved themselves in the way he thought was right and also that he got to make all decisions. It didn't help.

I’ve been having some success lately with sibling squabbles by employing mediation techniques. Basically making all feel heard, as well as helping them hear and communicate their world to each other. Something like:
’DC1, you just want a bit of space on your own and get really annoyed when it’s loud so you speak harshly’
‘DC2, you just want DC1 to listen to what you are saying and when they ignore you you feel hurt and get louder so they will notice’
And keep going back and forth showing I get them both and trying to help them tell each other how they feel and find ways they can get what they both want.

But, I only have two, and this takes time and me to be emotionally regulated myself - so not always helpful!! But I’ve found we’ve gotten a bit into some of their classic conflicts.

I think each of you and DH needs a break, not just him.
So together with any other things that you'll do, implement occasions where each of you and DH takes all the kids with, with the other adult left to chill. Make sure that you get an equal amount of times.
That way the unpleasantness will be easier to bear, knowing that you will get a break from it completely at some point.

@SeulementUneFois thank you, we do this a bit. And it works again better than 5 of us together. Sometimes it feels our mix of 5 is too complex if that makes sense? But drop any one (a kid/ a parent) we find a way more easily.
making it a scheduled/ regular expectation is something we have discussed so I’ll try and make sure we actually plan for it.

@Beginningless that's it precisely. I feel I have to work so hard at the emotional level - keeping myself in the right zone to model calm and peaceful resolution… it costs a lot! When my default impulse is to shout and intervene rather forcefully!