Messy 4 year old testing every boundary

[Ohnononono1]

DS1 is almost 4.5 (school in September) and I also have a 2 month old DS2. We live in a small 2 bed house in London and are lucky to have a garden but indoor space is tight e.g. we need to keep outdoor footwear in living room, pram just inside front door as no porch, have to move bin in kitchen to open back door for garden access etc. But I know people manage in far smaller spaces.

I am getting more and more overwhelmed by the general mess and wonder if I've actually got a bigger problem e.g. PND or OCD? DS1 is naturally a very messy child and constantly covered in mud/food/damp from water play and puddles etc. I don't want to the sort of mum that stops him from being a child and exploring the world but he just brings his mess with him onto every surface of the house and it's really bothering me that he might make DS2 sick 😞 we try to get him to wash his hands as soon as he comes in but before he has even reached the sink he has already spread chaos across 2 rooms of the house. Even when he is inside he is constantly emptying multiple toys onto the floor, crayons etc and is a very messy eater. If I ask him not to do something (in whatever fun creative way I can think) he argues for about 5 minutes about it or acts really defensive.

I feel like I am constantly moaning at him about all of the above and it's grinding me down. I have days where I resolve to be a bit more relaxed but he really tests me by refusing when I ask him e.g. not to climb in the moses basket in his disgusting muddy trousers. I know he is adjusting to a new sibling but also know he wouldn't behave like this at nursery where they do get the children involved in tidying up. I think our relationship is suffering but I am also so SO tired and low energy from poor sleep and just can't muster the energy to be all bright and cheery about him constantly trashing our house and the clean up involved.

Not really sure what I'm looking for just need to rant.

We live in a tiny little house so I get it OP. Sorry if I'm missing something bigger here, but our garden comes immediately into our kitchen as well. Unless it's a glorious, warm sunny day, my son plays in the garden in a puddle suit or overalls and wellies. When it's time to come in I plonk a basin of warm soapy water outside by the door. He strips out of the waterproofs and washes his mucky hands there before coming in. No mud etc gets in the house. We also have strict indoor and outdoor toys for muddy days. The outdoor toys are all robust like buckets and spades or chunky plastic vehicles that can get dunked in basins of water.

As you have a garden can you install a little covered area/shed type thing to store the pram?

As for the toys getting chucked about, I bang on about this constantly, but you need to have a clear out and implement a toy rotation. There needs to be just enough out to entertain him but that if anything is tipped it's really easy to put back.

We have an IKEA Kallax with 8 cubbies. The bottom 4 have baskets in with e.g. some Duplo, some magnet tiles, some trucks, some teddies. The top 4 have bigger toys not in baskets. Currently that's one large aeroplane toy, one number puzzle, a magnetic fishing game, and one barn with farm animals.

That's all we have out at any given time (he always has a toy garage and little cars out, as well as a toy kitchen in our kitchen and some books, teddies and precious toys in his bedroom so it's really not that sparse. But everything else is stored in a cupboard and we swap the toys in the kallax every fortnight-ish. It keeps the chaos to a minimum and he plays better. If it was all out at once he would just tip everything.

Thanks - some useful suggestions here. Have thought about outside pram storage before but we use it multiple times a day currently as DS2 only naps in moving pram so until we get him into a cot etc I think practically we will always have it close to hand as there is also a deep step to kitchen where back door is and no external garden access.

He actually doesn't have loads of different toys out just multiple parts to the ones he does play with e.g. bricks, magnet tiles, marble run, train track. But there are some jigsaws and a couple of other things that we could rotate (though would have to find new storage for these) but that might also help with boredom.

The hand washing is more of an issue when we come back from the park but might insist he uses wet wipes (hates them!) if he refuses to go straight to bathroom/kitchen sink.

A lot of this was not such an issue 5 months ago before he started challenging every routine/request (which ends up in screaming tantrums) so I think it's just an unfortunate timing of that phase with a new sibling and an absolutely exhausted mum.

Maybe have a look at the "tippable" toys that make the most mess. If we have a basket of Duplo out I don't like too much else than can be scattered out at the same time. Any way to have storage from the pram outside your door?

Ultimately it is just a phase although it is infuriating when you've all got to live in a small space together. I'd sit and have a think about what the things are that trigger you the most and how to make it easier for you and your son. So coming into the house muddy needs to stop, but how can you achieve that. Wash basin at the back door? Play in waterproofs and strip? Wet wipes at the park? If there's a cafe in the park he has to stop there and strip out of waterproofs and have a wash before heading home. That sort of thing. Needs to be easy solutions for you both that get right to the things that cause the most chaos in your home.