Two year old is really rough with other children

[anonomam]

My son started nursery a few months ago and they have said he's really rough with the other children, but at the same time really affectionate with them. I've noticed when we go anywhere he forces kids to hold his hand and go where he wants to go which isn't being nasty but they don't like it obviously so I keep telling him no and bringing him out but he continues the cycle. Or he will plank on top of other kids thinking it's funny and not budge. But today at nursery he's grabbed a child around the neck and jumped on their back resulting in the other child falling and hitting their head.... he is just so rough. I don't know what to do I tell him off, he doesn't understand the naughty step is punishment I remove him from situations when he's acting naughty and he forgets the next minute and does it again.

He's two years old and turns three in November. I just feel like I'm the parent with the child who's constantly upsetting the others children whilst other kids his age seem to be happy keeping to themselves or being gentle with each other.

I feel like he also still doesn't fully understand. But todays incident is a first. I really don't know what to say or do.

I would channel this energy with lots of softplay and trampolining in the meantime, he'll eventually grow out of it.

I would guarantee he DOES understand. He is nearly 3. You need to be firmer.

I'd take time chatting with him, and helping him understand that other people have feelings - physical and emotional – just like he does, so what he does to them has an effect on them. I know he is very young, so it has to be kept simple. But instead of saying it is naughty or saying 'No,' (which doesn't seem to be working) you have to get him to see why.

"Why did you jump on Leo?"
"I was playing."
"Ah. Why do you think Leo was sad and cross when you jumped on him?"
Shrug.
"If you were busy playing and I suddenly grabbed your neck jumped on you and you fell over and hurt yourself, how would you feel?"
Shrug
"Might you feel a bit upset or shocked?"
Looks a bit sulky and sad.
"You look like you wouldn't think it was the best fun in the world. When you want to play with someone, how do you want to feel, happy or sad?"
"Happy"
"And what about your friend, do they want to feel happy or sad?"
"Happy."
"You're right. How could you start playing with someone in a way that makes them happy? Shall we think of some ways?"

Etc.

It's very laborious but it does work. He's not doing it to be mean. He's doing it because he hasn't yet reached the stage of realising other children have different feelings and interpretations than his own. It's a developmental stage.

How is his speech and hearing? How long has he been at nursery and how many days per week? What consequences do nursery use?

Tbh I would expect that at nearly 3 he should absolutely understand no and being removed from the situation, even if there’s still the odd moment where impulse control gets the better of him. So I’d wonder if there’s a reason it’s not clicking. Like maybe there are settling issues, like he only goes to nursery 2 mornings a week and didn’t socialise much before so he’s struggling with learning to be in a group of his peers and it just needs more time. Or if there are speech and hearing issues that mean he’s frustrated with his inability to communicate and/or not hearing explanations of what he’s done wrong. Or if you and nursery deal with it so differently that he’s becoming confused.

My boy is the same age and we’re having the same issues!! Except he’s not at nursery yet… Following for advice.

I keep trying to explain that people don’t like it etc and offering alternative ways to play or things to do and it just doesn’t sink in. He also pushes even harder/gets really angry with me when I have to intervene. It’s like he gets tunnel vision and is overwhelmed by the impulse and all he wants to do is touch the other kids. It’s driving me round the bend!

My little one's best friend was like this at 2 - the most physically affectionate toddler in their group, but also the most physically aggressive. That stage didn't last long, soon after turning three he was much more settled. He also had the poorest language skills of the group, big feelings and no way to express them but physicality is a bit of a tinder box.
You know your little one's skills of language and understanding best, but I'd say don't worry too much yet about long term learnings. Definitely remove your child from situations where he's being physical in a way that isn't ok for other kids around him. But think of it as a stage to get through rather than a fixed character flaw that you need to train him out of.

One of my ds's used to be like this at 2 or 3. I just warned him to stop being rough once. Then I packed up and took him home every time. It took a while but eventually he got it.

i have a 2 year old he is exactly same. also a runner and very destructive. trying not to put any labels just that he's very active and mischievous and hasn't had a lot of boundaries because of being with nan when i'm working. he also doesn't talk much yet so im
not able to explain things that are wrong, he just laughs at everything i say. he knows when something is wrong because he will side eye me and smile before he does it.
I'm at my wits end with him to be honest.

I remember my son’s friend in reception class (so age 4ish) being like this. My DS was constantly being pushed and pulled over - ruined his very first school picture as he had a scrape down his nose. I remember raising my concerns with the very experienced teacher who agreed describing this child as being unable to keep his hands to himself. He did grow out of it though but it took a while.

Two things what is his comprehension like as it will really determine what is likely to work.

Run the hell out of him and give him activities to give him the sensory needs he may be seeking, completely development appropriate.

I used to have a blow up baby pop up boxing bag type toy, basically you rugby tackle it down, something like that and physical exertion before nursery may help. Big teddies to squeeze etc is also worth a try.

I think when you’re with him you need to physically preempt and prevent him from being handsy with other children.

Nothing worse than your child being subject to this and the parent waits until it happens before they intervene. You know he’s going to grab, so stop him before he does and be stern about it. He will learn if you are stern and disapproving every single time.

I could have written this about my 18m old. I have to physically follow him around at groups and constantly remind him “kind hands” and intercept him hugging/squeezing, hitting and grabbing other children. It’s exhausting.
there’s very little you can do after the event once he’s home from nursery - that’s for them to manage.
I’m not a fan of naughty steps and punishments at this age. Best practice is to keep reinforcing positively - modelling and saying “kind hands”. And if/when he does get rough, minimal words that you repeat in the same way: “no hitting, hitting hurts. We use kind hands” and show him a gentle stroke. Ask nursery what they’re doing/saying do you can both be consistent.

He's sensory seeking. Meet his needs with swings, climbing equipment, weighted blanket (look up the appropriate weight for his age), etc.
Then constant, consistent reminders about how to be around other children.
He'll get there.

My DS2 went through a pushing / hitting phase at around this age. I found that the only thing that worked was to give him ONE warning and then if he did it again to take him straight home. Even if we'd just got there or it was really inconvenient to leave.

Obviously that doesn't solve the problem at nursery, but presumably they have strategies to deal with this kind of thing.

By the way, my rough toddler is now a kind gentle teenager. There is hope OP!

Oh mama, it's tough when our little ones behave in ways that don't show their best selves!!
I agree with PP about lots of appropriate physical activity to meet those needs.
Also, lots and lots of positive teaching/modelling around consent. Give him lots of opportunities to say 'yes' or 'no' to you... 'Would you like to hold my hand as we go to have our lunch? No? OK!!'
Make sure boundaries you set aren't just safety ones (eg no, you can't run on the road) but also your personal boundaries (eg no, I don't like it when you pull my hair/poke my face/tackle my leg). Be very calm but also firm - you are teaching him that a 'no I don't want to play like that' isnot a rejection but an invitation to show care and respect for someone he lives.
If you are up for some rough-housing (it's SO good for kids!!) teach a simple way to initiate that with respect & consent. Eg our rules are rough play can only start if everyone involved has bowed to each other, and must stop the second someone says 'stop' or taps out. Again, this emphasises safety and consent - rough play is fine IF everyone agrees to play like that.

I was at my wits end w my 2yo DD who was a biter. What finally worked was, in a calm conversation (not as a reaction in the heat of the moment), my sister reasoned with her, saying, “You can’t do that. That really hurts the other child. I know you don’t want to do that, so you need to stop.” It was as if DD had space to receive that correction during that calm interaction. I had, of course, been giving firm reprimands anytime after she bit someone… Maybe it was a combo… or connecting the dots? I don’t know, but I was sooo relieved when she stopped.

I’m fairly sure this is similar to the (now frowned upon) supernanny approach but my DS is a couple of months younger and can also play rough. He’d say sorry and then run off laughing so I don’t think he understood what sorry actually meant. The only thing that worked was to give him a time out. So I’d just remove him and put him somewhere to sit for two minutes timed on my phone. It has been the only way to get him to realise certain behaviours would result in a time out and he’s been noticeably more gentle recently.

However, my DS is speech delayed and any lengthy explanations are probably pointless at the minute but he seems to really understand “We don’t hit. You need to sit here for two minutes until you can play nicely” and then I always get a sorry at the end (although I’m sure he still doesn’t understand it).

Not totally convinced this is the right way to go about things but it seems to work at the minute and as a result DS is happier because other kids want to play with him now.