What do your 9yo and 12yo bedtimes look like?

[Harrumphhhh]

Just that really.

I have a 12yo and a 9yo and I feel like bedtimes take forever.

The older one has ADHD and genuinely struggles to organise himself so I’ve fallen into a habit of ‘supporting’ (nagging?) at bedtime and am starting to think I’ve got it really wrong.

Can you talk me through what your DC’s bedtimes look like? Timings? Process? Warnings? How independently can they manage it?

thank you 🙏

12 year old goes to bed at
10pm (school holidays) or 930pm (termtime).

We just tell her to go and that's it.

Mine are almost 12 and almost 9. Almost 9 year old goes up about 7.45, does her own teeth and gets ready for bed and has 10 mins of reading before bed. Almost 12 year old goes to bed at 9.30 on school nights and 10 ish on the weekend unless he has an early sports game. I tell him it’s time for bed at half 9 and he goes and brushes his teeth and goes to bed.

Ooh, are you me?

I could answer very simply - chaos?

But let me give you a slightly more measured answer:

DS with ADHD has never slept well and has always found sleeping difficult. This has not changed. He has melotonin, but largely refuses to take it. I have stopped hounding about a "decent" bedtime. He now goes to bed at 11ish (I suspect he's often up later). Forcing him into bed any earlier is completely pointless - he'll just lie there awake even if I took his phone etc. I DO compenate by insisting that he has one day on the weekend as a lie in. Is it an ideal scenario? No. But it is what it is and I am not fighting any more (and I note that DH and MIL are very similar - both of whom I suspect have the same inattentive ADHD that DS has - and much as it used to frustrate me, I have now accepted that I also have to make sure DH gets one decent lie in a week because it doesn't matter how tired he is, he will NOT go to bed any earlier.). As DS' doctor keeps reminding me - many people with ADHD literally do not get the tired signals that the rest of us do. They genuinely do believe they are not tired. So whie DH absolutely will change behaviours where he can see they are harming him, he pointblank refuses to accept that if he went to bed earlier he would sleep.

DD is easier. But I do have to chase her constantly and she pushes back ALL the time. Largely, I make this less of an issue for me by refusing to get involved. So I'll tell her to brush her teeth, read her book etc. But I'm not actively involved because otherwise I don't get an evening at all. She also goes to bed quite late - 9:30-1000 but sleeps straight through until about 7:30 and does sometimes have lie ins on the weekend.

So no ‘five minute warnings’, traipsing up and down the stairs, ‘have you done your teeth? Teeth? TEETH!’…?

Hmmmmm. Family meeting required!!

I've got an 11yo and an 8yo.

At 8.45 I give them a 15 minute warning, at which point they suddenly find that they are starving/have to start a new project/have just started watching a 5 hour long film.

At 9pm, DH or I chase them up the stairs to bed. We stand in the hallway shouting "TEETH. Come back, no, it's too late for pudding, yes, you can have a drink, no, not squash, WATER, it can go by your bed, where are your pyjamas, why haven't you done your teeth yet, do you need a wee, if it's a poo I'm going downstairs as I don't want to stand here entertaining you while you're on the loo, yes, you can read, WHY IS YOUR BOOK DOWNSTAIRS? Come back!" until we get bored.

Then we put them in bed, give them a kiss and cuddle, set a timer on Alexa and shut the door. Usually done and dusted by about 9.15.

I think you probably posted at similar time to me.

I do get quite a bit of that with DD - but I just keep yelling from downstars to brush her teeth etc.

with DS, as I've got less stressed about bedtime, he takes himself off to brush his teeth etc... just later. when I was still hounding him, it was constant.

9 year old goes up to her room at 8.30. Teeth, wash, i read and she then entertains herself until lights out at 10. I will pop up a few times to see how she is. 10 feels late but she won't sleep before then and she sleeps well until 7am.

Cross post @IdLikeToBeAFraser Thank you. It’s strangely reassuring to know I’m not alone.

Elder DS definitely needs help in knowing what to do, but I think I’ve fallen into the habit of that help needing to be me (whereas a list or something might also work?) and of offering the same ‘help’ to younger DS.

Sorry. I keep cross posting 😂
@LBOCS2 , I feel like you’ve recorded my evening conversations 😂😂 Ours last a lot longer though!

10 and 12
I have to hang around while they change and brush teeth or they dilly dally.
I get them water and put 10 year olds clothes out for next day.
Ideally start getting ready at 8 then in bed reading till 8.45 for 10 year old and 12 year old can read till 9.30.
12 year old struggles to get up in mornings so needs an earlier bedtime but it is a battle I've given up on and she has 2 alarm clocks.

DC1 is 11 rising 12, DC2 is 9

They are quite different- DC1 is an early waker who gets tired easily (medical reason) DC2 is a night owl with bags of energy. They go to bed at the same time and DC1 usually asleep before DC2

Routine: 7.45 upstairs to wash, PJs, teeth. They require a certain amount of nudging especially DC2 who will often get distracted. But they are not resistant and will generally get on with it without too much nagging. Unless DC1 is very tired/emotional but that’s a different problem. Then both read for 15 ish minutes, then lights off.

DC2 often doesn’t go to sleep for some time after this and goes through phases of coming downstairs with “can’t sleep”. Huge amounts of physical exercise helps.

I do increasingly suspect some level of ADD/ADHD with DC2 tbh. I am similar and often not asleep till 1am+

I’m saving mornings for my next post @Mayhemmumma 😉

12 yo Dts (very nearly 13), during the week go up about 8 to do 'skincare' and read. They're asleep by 930/945. They have to get up at 6.15 for school.

At the weekends they go when they want within reason but they are out of the house by 9 Saturday and Sunday so pretty good at self regulating.

I have a strict no phones after dinner rule.

I lose patience and tell them they have three minutes to be in bed or I'm leaving them to it. It concentrates the mind wonderfully for them 😁

This will make you feel better about yours.

Mine are 8 and 11. Both ND.

On a good day 11yo will get themselves ready with minimal nagging.

On a bad day it takes 30 mins+ of repeated nagging to get anything done.

8yo needs constant,and I mean constant, chivvying and reminding and removal of distractions. We have to be by his side the whole time or nothing happens. In fact we quite often literally dress him etc. Quite often things will even go backwards eg he'll wash toothpaste off his brush before brushing, or take his PJs off forgetting that he's not wearing his day clothes. Every. Fucking. Night.

It usually takes an hour from saying "right bedtime" to getting them into bed (including 15 mins reading to them), then another 30 mins+++ for them to go to sleep.

Ok actually helpful post:

Don't nag them on what to do.

Say things like, what do you need to do first? Ok what's next? what else do you need to do before you can get into bed? When do you need to be in bed by? So how can you get that done? Etc.

It will help foster thinking for themselves and independence (plus you don't have to nag). It works brilliantly with one of mine. The other - well, I may as well not exist for the amount of attention he pays me.

9 yr old and 13 yr old. Have quite late bedtimes tbh compared to some but it works for them (and also I on occasion only get in at 830). Teeth +/- bath between 830-900 depending on the day. Bath is run for them and then whichever one it’s for will go up largely on the first request but sometimes needs a second reminder. Will need to shout up to do their hair now otherwise they’d stay in there forever. When the ones finished they’ll let the other know the bathrooms free for their teeth. Youngest especially will need a shout out to get into pyjamas. We still do read all together (mostly DnD manuals ) and then everyone gets tucked up in bed by both me and DH. This can be between 930-1000. Lights out and audiobooks on.