Toddler tantrums - How do you manage them?

[Pavlovthecat]

I am interested as I have read a few different things here and there.

21 month old DD, has had 'tantrums' for probably 6 months, I have always found them kind of sweet, and non-threatening.

Over the last week they have intensified a little, harder to manage but still only last a few minutes.

Now, my wonderful toddler has reduced me to tears for the very very first time. And for the very first time since becoming a mother I am feeling quite overwhelmed with how I am to deal with what I feel are going to be ever more frequent tantrums.

So, how do you manage/did you manage your toddler tantrums, when absolutely nothing can console them? How did you manage slapping/kicking/aggression?

how did you/do you manage your own emotions so that you can stay in control of the situation, or stop it getting out of control, losing your temper/getting upset/angry?

If ds is in a safe place, ie not lying in the street, I just leave him alone. He has only ever kicked me when I've tried to comfort him or get him to cooperate in the middle of a tantrum. I spent 20 mins in a shopping centre last week watching him lie on the floor and cry and scream 'I don't want to go home, my house is rubbish, we have no furniture, I don't like you'. fun fun fun. luckily this doesn't happen very often and I can usually see the signs that he is too tired and grumpy and give him a break before he starts.

If we are at home I go into another room so I don't start getting upset by him.

Any advise would be good really. She just dropped the mouse for the computer onto my big toe in a jissy fit, it is a battery operated remote one and it hurt lik a bastard. Already raw, I yelled reall loudly 'ooooouch!' and most likely sounded very angry. For the first time ever.

She crumpled, tears poured done her face, her lips quivered and she was sooo upset. I apologised immediately racked with guilt, said that it hurt mummy but that I didnt mean to shout. She was crying, I was crying.

She is now watching Hi:5 and seems happy enough but I feel very tearful. Today was the first proper tantrum (already going on before the mouse dropping incident) that I have been unable to manage/work with her on/leave her to it.

As soon as you can feel one coming on, distract them like mad. Pointing at an aeroplane, a bracelet you are wearing, laughing loudly/tickling whatever you can think of normally does the trick 9 times out of 10. And then if it does escalate past this point then I usually try to stay calm, hold his arms down firmly if they are flailing about, and say no to whatever set him off in the place, but explaining why I am saying no. Usually he calms down qickly and says sorry without a prompt. Only once or twice have I put him in his cot as I feel unable to cope - my DS is 23 months so a bit older. But I think it sounds as if you are doing all the right things! Good luck, this age is so fab in so many ways but the tantrums are just them getting frustrated without being able to communicate properly what they want or need.

Thanks Beans.

She kicked and slapped as I had to remove her from the sitation. She was helping 'wash up'. I would not let her play with the hot tap, she started rocking the chair she was on and splashing water everywhere. I had been cooking in the kitchen so I was not happy to let her have a tantrum in the kitchen, picked her up to take into the living room and shut the door.

She laid there, banging her head against the door, kicking her legs, screaming the most blood curdling scream.

I put hi:5 on, probably not a good thing to do, but I wanted her distracted, it worked until she turned the tv off by accident. Hence the continued paddy and dropping mouse on my foot.

I have never been upset before. The last couple days have shown a few more serious tantrums, but I have always thought, its a normal part of development, dont give it too much emphasis and it will work itself out. But today...well, I just felt devastated, She is always so so so happy, and she just was sooo upset this evening.

I think that trying to head them off at the pass is a good plan, though not always possible. Sometimes, it's gonna happen no matter what you do!

I ignore what I can, but tantrums very quickly escalate in the Corriedor, and turn into full-on sister baiting. I wish I could say I had a plan that I followed every time, but I'm afraid I don't! In the mornings, when DS is allowed telly, I will generally say 'you can either torment your sister, or watch telly, but you can't do both' and DS will always choose the telly. When he uses anything as a weapon against her, it gets removed if it belongs to somebody else, and if it's his, it gets binned. Otherwise, I remove him or her from the situation and give her lots of attention and cuddles.

For screaming/shouting, I just leave him to it. Even if it's outside/raining/in the supermarket.

I have to say Pavlov, I think you were impressively restrained in the mouse incident, and instead of being racked with guilt, should be congratulating yourself for not losing it with your DD.

Corrie - thanks for that post. I agree its best to stop it before it happens, and I think for the most part I have been able to do this, or minimise. I know why she was like this. She slept badly last night, and went to nursery today and only had 40 mins sleep so she is exhausted.

I think, for this tantrum, there was no way I could have avoided it. She wanted a drink in the car and cried all the way home, I think it was inevitable.

And the mouse incident - I knew, as it fell, she did not mean to get my foot, but did mean to drop it. She looked directly at me as she did it. I dont feel like I should be congratulated tho...really feel like I should have not shown my anger so clearly.

I guess its one of those firsts isnt it? Like, the first night I went without breastfeeding her, or the first time I left her with DH overnight for training, now I can add the first time I got angry with my DD

I think sadness is perfectly understandable - it's one of the more unpleasant firsts. I frequently go to bed regretting what I did during the day, and vowing that tomorrow I'll do better. But I try not to feel guilty - it's corroding and doesn't do anybody any good.

I have also learned to lower my expectations - both of DS and myself. I am not a perfect mother, I frequently flounder and shout and generally help the bad situation spiral into something worse (usually because I'm unmanageably sleep deprived). And I'm easier on myself now that I've recognised that I just can't do it perfectly all the time - which, oddly enough, makes it easier to get out of the spiral. And sometimes DS is a right little git - the occasion he bit his sister on the forehead springs to mind! But he's 2.9 and for most toddlers, it's par for the course. He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions, he hasn't got the capacity and once I twigged that, and stopped expecting him to be able to control himself, things did improve. So go easy on yourself - you won't get it right all the time, sometimes you will lose it, and you'll think that you are a truly terrible parent. But you're just human.

And finally, don't ask advice/reassurance from people with a different parenting style to your own, or you'll walk away completely demoralised and blaming yourself for the fact that your DD is a toddler. (Sorry - I just had to add that - I saw a friend's confidence ebb away in the face of advice given by two random strangers, along the lines of 'well I gave mine a smack and that soon put things right'. She isn't a smacker and her faith in her own parenting was completely undermined for some time as a result of that little conversation and I now keep my flounderings to myself when out in public.)

There! Lecture over!

Corrie - I think you say some sensible things here.

I think really I was looking for some reassurance that I was not handling it completely wrong!

I do understand other people have different parenting styles, I guess, we dont yet know what our parenting styles are with this one! DD has been such an angel up to now we have not really had t do any challenging until recently, or deal with real tantrums yet, the ones up to now were sort of practice ones!

I will try to reassure myself that we doing it right, most of the time!

I think you are doing pretty well if this is the first time you've got angry or shouted (albeit in pain).
All I can suggest is that you make sure she has regular snacks as that can help prevent tiredness/hunger-related meltdowns.
My DD2 is becoming a little monster at 19 mo, tantrums every 5 minutes. Another thing is try and just let them do whatever it is they are desperate to do, so long as it's not dangerous obviously. Maybe let her quickly feel a little hot water from that tap so she understands why you wont let her play with it? (So long as it's not scalding!)

It's really hard trying to second-guess them and anticipate what their little plan is going to be next and how they'll react when you thwart it. It's a frustrating age for them and you....

DD has only had one major tantrum so far (20 mins lying on the floor of the hospital reception), which was a few months ago. I dealt with it by standing over her so that she didn't get trampled on and letting her get on with it. When she had calmed enough for me to pick her up, I held her and gave her a snuggle, but she was still sobbing. She would have calmed down fairly quickly though if it wasn't for the helpful woman who decided to try and distract DD with a pamphlet on cholesterol which set DD off again. The woman said, "Well! She is a stroppy little madam, isn't she." and huffed off to look sit and disapprovingly at us.

She is now 22 months and occassionally has a mini-strop, but has yet to match that wonderous day.

Pavlov - you handled it great! Sometimes you just can't help a tantrum and have to let it run its course. By the end of them, they don't know what they are crying about, they are just upset at being upset and in a complete tizzy.

Yes, sometimes just gathering them up tight, walking into another room and going 'Oooh, look at THAT!', while pointing to a mundane object can help!

Dd wont let me gather her up...even when she has her more minor tantrums, distraction works sometimes, but if I cuddle her she always fights it!

She has had lots of throwing herself on the floor, and usually she gets up upon the cat walking past, or the prospect of food, or something I am waving at her.

I think, this time, nothing would console her. Until I put tele on. And I felt awful that only Australians in lycra could calm her.

She was exceptionally tired. We went to get DH from work at 7pm and she was asleep in car by the time we got there. She usually goes to bed at 8pm, but she was in bed by 7:30pm out like a light.

Her sleeping has been disturbed over the last few days, she is tired, but I wonder if she is making some developmental changes and this is part of it, tantrums and restless sleeping coinciding?

Thanks for the reassuring words everyone. You have been very kind.

DH said 'whats wrong' when I picked him up. I said 'DD had a tantrum, hit and kicked me, and it upset me' He said, 'ok, well its over now'. !

So, I showed him this thread, so he saw how I was feeling.

Developmental changes and not enough night or daytime sleep don't help either, it's true.

You sound like an exceptionally calm and gentle mother.

{Remembers incident where I threw a glass of cold water in tantrumming DD1's face. Worked like magic. I did immediately explain why I had done it and she seemed to understand. I only had to threaten to do it on subsequent occasions for her to stop, which just goes to show they aren't always as completely out of control as they look

SM - its not usually an effort to be calm, usually I am not at all phased by anything negative she does, food on floor, throwing things at the cat, chucking litter over the floor, stealing my food and not letting me eat it. Its all just something else she is learning. And thats how I try to see it all. Both DH and I are quite chilled with her, and she probably 'gets away' with a lot and she is very independent and we have always let her do as she pleases as long as its not dangerous or too disruptive, mess is no problem etc.

I think I was just thrown by the force of her tantrum today. I was soo full on! I feel calmer now, she woke up a few minutes ago all upset, and I worried it was because I shouted in front of her! So I just stroked her back and told her i loved her and that I was always here no matter what, she had no idea what I was talking about but settled fine

So, what about bedtime? An already crabby toddler who is happy right at that moment, but anything can set her off, and the word bed does, very tired so the tantrum means bed is needed right then.

Do you put her to bed anyway, having a tantrum? Or wait until she calm so she does not associate being put to bed as something negative? Do you try to go through normal routine even tho everything is upsetting her? Or put her straight to bed as she is too tired to manage anything else? Could this cause more problems as she might see it as missing out on something/punishment when thats not the intention?

re- bedtime tantrum. I shorten bedtime routine, so its quick wash, force him into Pjs and carry up to bed. he qucikly calms down once in bed with a dummy and cuddly. if he doesn;t then i go in after a few mins and use middle of tehnight calming technique. generally works for DS age 25m.

Pavlov I think crying Ouch! was appropriate! And really, she has to know that hurting someone has consequences. If my DD1 hurts me, I tell her.

She does have the throwing herself on the floor tantrums quite alot and I don't generally let her get away with anything, so it's not worth blaming your parenting style. Untimately, toddlers have tantrums and we just have to deal with it.

When my DD1 has a tantrum (say it's time for bath) and she does throw herself on the floor, I pick her up pop her on her feet and lead her by the hand up to the stairs. Usually, just not allowing her to wallow in her tantrum seems to cut it short, and she is racing me up the stairs in no time.

I find it hard to deal with tantrums when my mum is around - she will let DD1 have anything she wants and if I don;t, I have to deal with tantrummy toddler and my mum sat there with this disaproving look on her face that I don't relent immedialtly and cover her in kisses!

Gemy - DD loves bath, she has a tantrum if she cant have a bath when she wants one!

DD is quite slappy generally right now anyway, she gets excited and slaps, esp the face, and has really got into going up to people (mainly those she knows, but occasionally strangers) and slapping them on the leg in play, but quite hard. We are teaching about hurting, but not quite there yet. I mentioned it makes mumm cry if she hurts me, wish I hadnt, as she now comes up to me in the morning, when I get morning tired tears going, 'cry mummy' and wiping my face, and pretending her bears are crying and wiping their tears away, like I do with her!!

She had two big tantrums today, both about food. I think, she is hungry as not eating as much but being fussy about what she will eat. I made sure I had plenty of snacks today as someone else suggested, lots more than usual and she ate them all.

My DS is nearly 18months old and the tantrums are just starting. I know they will only get worse! At home it is not a problem - I ignore him and he recovers soon enough. When we are out, though, I get really fustered and think everyone must be looking and thinking what a bad mum I am

itsahardknocklife - I know what you mean. I just dont think I was ready for it.

I spoke to a friend this evening, and I said pretty much this, how I feel.

Up to now, I have not needed to parent. DH and I have responded to our DD as it goes. She has been easy, and interested, and fun, and goes with things, and no discipline has been considered as she has been so young we have not needed it. Our parenting skills have just developed as our DD has required them to.

Now, tho, we are having to think about our parenting style. How are we going to deal with this? What do we want to acheive? How will cope? What should we do?

We have discussed these things, of course, but only ever hypothetically, not needing make decisions. Now, with raw emotions (mine) we are having to think about how to handle our very independent dd who clearly has realised boudaries exist and she can make decisions for herself and get outcomes based on behaviour.

I guess I am realising that no amount of theory cvan give you the knowldege you need to deal some situations.

I dont mean I did not parent - I meant, it came more naturally, it was more instinct based, fluid, go with it type of parenting, lots of laughs, tickles, fun, not much else, not that I did nothing at how that might have come across!