AIBU to think childcare expenses should be shared equally?

[deeadee]

Me and DH have been together for three years and have recently had a baby. For the past year or so I started being bothered by the fact that I seem to end up covering most of the pregnancy / childcare and even most household (e.g personal care, cleaning products) costs. DH and I both work for the same organisation however I am in a slightly more senior role and my income is a little higher (roughly by 20%). I have started feeling as though my higher income is the reason why he feels he should contribute less to common expenses. For example, I am the only one who ever buys clothes or personal items for the baby, hygene products and so on. He went out and bought diapers once because I asked him to.
I don’t know what bothers me more - the lack of initative to buy the things we need around the house and assumption that I will take care of it or not offering to cover a share of the expenses when he sees I am doing so much. I feel as though he takes it for granted that I take care of the house and baby stuff and that, since I am on a higher income, it should be me doing it.
When we met he was always very generous but I always offered to split bills, not wanting to owe anything. He still is generous on occasions, he is a great dad and partner, so I don’t know how to approach this without damaging our relationship. I am afraid that voicing my frustration will push him into defensive mode and do more harm than good.
Has anyone been in this situation?

And if you will be having a period of low/no pay during maternity leave, you'll have to discuss how you'll pool money those months. Please don't use your own savings to cover the difference.

We have a spreadsheet with all of our outgoings on it and our take home pay. We pay into the joint account enough to cover all of the expenses. I earn slightly less and we pay slightly different amounts I think it is currently 53:47 split but it was less when I was on mat leave.
Everything on a day to day basis comes out of the joint account. Our personal accounts are for savings, buying presents and our own clothing and that's about it.
We review the spreadsheet every 6 months and also have a spreadsheet detailing our personal savings to make sure that any spending is affordable for both sides for example work on the house or vacations.

This is a decision you need to make as a couple. I always go with the thought why should one benefit while the other is left wanting. I think split by income is fairer

We have a DS. We have a joint account which everything for the household and DS comes out of including food. I pay in 60% and DH pays in 40% as I earn more. We each have the same amount of disposable income every month and whatever is left over goes into savings (nothing right now!!). We also now have a money meeting once a quarter where we review everything and check on any changes. But that’s fairly new as I wanted to remove any emotion from the finance discussion.
We each pay for our own fuel, car, haircuts, clothes etc.

We have a 20% difference in pay and we do slightly different amounts into our joint account. This covers our mortgage, bills, nursery bills and food. However, one of us will do a food shop here and there and it’ll come out of our personal amount and no one questions it.

We have 100% pooled finances as I’m a SAHM - whatever he earns is the family money, and there’s very little left over for fun money for us once everything is paid and we’ve saved for house renovations!

As per others you definitely need a joint account- there will be so much that’s joint now for your little one, the usual, nappies, milk, baby food, clothes, toys etc but also 1st bday parties, presents, childcare, holidays, all household utilities, National trust membership, cleaner, car insurance. The list just goes on and on! It would be so inconvenient to continue as you are and he’s not going to know how much you are spending on the baby if you have your own account? If on maternity leave you’ll prob end up doing more food shopping too and general errands/ popping to the shops

This might also be a good time to discuss where the child benefit money will go and if you want to set up a savings account for the child and start contributing equally etc. Also it’s an opportunity to discuss what percentage you are contributing to pensions and if it’s similar / as you want it to be. Do you also need joint savings for a car / house repairs / renovations / upcoming childcare bills etc

(Also, just to add, don’t put up with ‘defensive mode’- he’s the father of your child and he chose to be a parent. It’s a basic requirement that he works with you as a team to financially provide for his child!)

We use the joint account for everything, get paid into it, and just transfer a token amount of spending money out to our own personal accounts. So I don't get pissed off with DH spending 🤣

You have a good point, I thing he genuinly doesn’t know how much I spend on all the baby stuff. And I am also not boasting about it. I think most men have no clue how expensive the baby stuff can be until they start buying it themselves.

It should be proportional to your income. Earning 20% more is not 'slightly more'.
But each should put the same percentage of income into an account that covers the joint bills, including child expenses.

It should be by take home pay, not gross pay btw. Which isn’t hard to calculate. Pretty much everyone knows their monthly pay cheque amount and bonuses often get put in a pension or joint savings,

Even basing it on percentage of income is not actually fair and equal tbh.
If one takes home £2k a month, the other takes home £6k a month but the joint household costs are £4k, one has £1k left and the other has £3k left. Surely in a family one person should not have a lifestyle significantly reduced compared to their partner?

The only fair way, if fairness is required, is all incomes into a joint pot, all bills out and a fixed amount transferred into individual accounts for personal spends - if one finds that necessary.

Personally… we’ve always seen our relationship as a joint one and consider our money to be ours, joint. We have individual accounts but don’t argue about money.

Make sure you try to even up your pension pots though as best you can, many forget about this.

I agree @AvocadoDevil that the fairest way is joint finances for a married couple. The next fairest is contribute by % income if a couple has split finances. Not everyone wants joint finances is the rub.

DH and I have separate accounts. I'm the higher earner and bills, nursery fees, DC things etc are all 50/50.

I'd never agree to a joint account/pooling money.

Earlier in our relationship I earned far more and more recently it's been even but I am now part-time so earn less temporarily. Since we first moved in together we have put our earnings in a joint account and spent what we want day to day with larger purchases being discussed first. It helps that we have similar spending habits and goals. I tend to purchase everything for the kids which does annoy me sometimes but it is from joint money and I like to chose their clothes.

I earn a lot more than DP. We have a joint account for all communal expenses - mortgage, childcare, groceries, bills etc including all DS-related costs. I contribute much more than he does, which is fair given disparity in earnings, and we both keep back roughly the same amount to spend on what we like - clothes, hobbies, nights out. Feels fair.