Feeling Mortified - Speech Delayed Suspected Autism Toddler

[Lwizzer]

Hi

First of all sorry for the long message.

My son is 3 years 4 months and has been attending a private nursery since 18 months. He is quite speech delayed and has shown potential traits of autism so we have been referred for speech/language therapy and also on waiting list for CAMHS referral. He's a lovely smart boy but can sometimes be very head strong and defiant.

We are moving him to a preschool attached to a primary school in September in hopes of settling him in before reception next year. We had the taster play session this morning and all started well - he was very excited and ran straight in to play. While he was playing I mentioned the speech delay and referral to CAMHS to one of the staff members who reassured me that they have a lovely team to support his needs. The lady then came over to watch my son play and he was doing so well, sharing and playing with others.

All was well until it was time to leave - my son didn't want to leave and tried to take some of the toys with him. The staff member immediately tried to help and persuade him to leave the toys and hold my hand to leave. But he bolted and ran off with the toys, he didn't listen to me when I asked him to stop. In the end two staff members chased after him which made things worse as he tends to think it's a game when people chase him and he just went even faster. I was struggling to grab him as I had my littlest one in the baby carrier (thankfully was a safe environment in the school playground).

I was obviously mortified and it didn't leave a very good first impression. I just wanted to cry after and felt like a failure of a parent. Most of the other children left without a fuss.

I feel like I've failed my son by mentioning the speech delay and potential autism as I don't want him to be treated any differently? But as soon as I mentioned it earlier it was like the staff were watching him more closely. I feel like the situation escalated unnecessarily, and if I was alone with my son I may have been able to persuade him to leave without such a fuss. I know this may be wishful thinking and this could have turned out even worse than what happened if the staff didn't intervene.

If anyone has any advice or tips to help aid his listening skills or how to deal with such a situation I'd love to hear from you. Please be kind, I'm already feeling quite broken.

Thank you x

I have an ASD son and the diagnosis was a huge relief, he wasn’t naughty or defiant, he was overwhelmed.

And actually I DO want him treated differently, I don’t want my square peg forced into a round hole, I want him to be treated with respect to his different needs.

We all have times when our kids behave hideously badly, try not to dwell on it. The school will have seen worse.

It sounds to me like you did everything perfectly

If it makes you feel any better, my son is 2.5 and we suspect autism and is in waiting lists etc, he's also speech delayed. I can absolutely imagine him reacting exactly the same way as your son, I've been in many a similar situation, and I can totally imagine how you felt. So stressful!

But please just remember that you're doing great. I don't have much advice - but I will be reading what others say for my own sake! Just wanted to say you're not alone x

@TraumaSalt thank you for the response really appreciate it. Yes I think a diagnosis would really help him but I've been told the waiting list for assessment is 3 years. I'm pleased you feel huge relief after getting your sons diagnosis.

You are right in that being treated differently for their different needs is a good thing. I didn't mean for that to come across negatively, just without an official diagnosis it's really hard to know what support he needs.

Tbh even with a diagnosis it’s hard to get support, having a speech delay though will in my opinion be an asset as it means he will miss quantifiable targets at school that should trigger more support. My DS is academically average and masks so getting help at school has been a huge issue as they don’t see how he melts down before and after school.

It won’t be easy and you will have to fight everything but you can do it.

Regarding the toys. Can pre-school have a special box that DS can put his favourite in at the end of the day and he can go straight to it the next morning, it’s his box and his routine. My DS played with exactly the same box of toys every morning of pre-school (trains, it was trains 🤣)

You did the right thing telling them. And even though it was stressful it sounds like they got a realistic picture of his strengths and some of his challenges as well. You wouldn't have had the chance to discuss strategies for transitions in advance so everyone did what they thought best under the circumstances but you should have opportunities to suggest different things to try as you go forward.