I want to enjoy being a mum but...

[mumto5mo]

My LG is 5 months old and absolutely beautiful, happy, healthy and brings so much joy to our families lives. But I can't help but feel I am ruining everything by constantly worrying about her. It's never ending and I'm also worried my anxiety will rub off on her, so it's a vicious circle. My partner says I need more time away from her, but that just stresses me out more.

My daily worries include: if we leave the house at 11 but she is due a nap at 12, what will happen if I can't get her to sleep in her pram? If she wakes up while we're out and wants a feed, where can I go to breast feed her (still not comfortable BF in public)? What if I drive to my friends house and she screams the whole way? What should I do with her while she's awake? Is she getting bored of her toys now? Should I be socialising her with more babies?

I can hear myself going crazy with everything but I just can't seem to let go and relax into it. I don't want to look back and wish I'd made the most out of her, especially since she will probably be our only baby and she's everything we could have wished for and more.

Has anyone managed to go from anxious first time mum to relaxed first time mum? Any tips?

Honestly I'd be tempted to speak with your health visitor in the first instance to see if they can support you to address your anxiety, it sounds like it is overwhelming your ability to enjoy time with your child.

I used to be exactly the same, I’d be preempting all the things that could go wrong while we was out and about. In the end i just had to bite the bullet and go for it (which I know is easier said then done).

I think once I realised that in certain situations sometimes there is literally nothing you can do about it (eg not napping) and you have to give into the chaos. You will feel incredibly stressed and worried that people are watching and judging, but it’s okay to acknowledge them feelings as they’re normal. Can you feed baby in the car before you have a little walk around, maybe a John Lewis as they have feeding rooms.

Just make sure you’ve got everything you need like nappies, spare clothes, toys etc and try and when these situations occur all you can do is try your best.

If she won’t go to sleep in the pram you can head home and nap will be a bit later.
Could you buy a drink and breastfeed in a cafe? You’re close to weaning though so pretty soon you can do a pouch for lunch instead.
If she screams in the car seat you know she’s safe and she won’t remember it, so no biggie.
When she’s awake go for a walk, pop her on the playmat with her toys, sit her in the bouncer and chat to her about what you’re doing.
If she’s bored of her toys she’ll make that clear by not wanting to play with them and you can buy some new ones. A wooden spoon and a pan is a toy at that age though, they’re very easily amused.
They don’t start any form of social play until 2+ and kids don’t properly play together until more like 3.5/4 (look up the 6 stages of play) so you’re fine. By all means do groups but at this age they’re primarily for you to socialise.

You’ve got this, don’t overthink it! And if you are struggling with anxiety see the GP, it’s very common what with all the hormones and sleep deprivation, and there are things that can help.

I’d speak to GP or health visitor about getting support for your anxiety. But also try and rationalise - it doesn’t matter if she screams in the car. If she doesn’t sleep in the pram, you come home. She’s 5 month she doesn’t really need toys, socialising etc.

I completely understand all of these anxieties and just remember that you’re doing a great job and working hard to ensure she has a full and happy life.

the thing I have learned is that you have to let baby take the lead with a lot of things, you can’t pre-empt anything because it’s likely to just go the opposite way. Be organised but also tell yourself that if a difficult situation arises, you just have to work through it and you can do nothing about it until it comes, if it comes. It’s often a case of rolling with the punches (easier said than done I know)

have you ever heard of the worry tree diagram? I have it on my fridge and it really helps me get rid of anxieties that I have no control over. Best of luck…. Everything will be fine I’m sure

Honestly OP, part of finding your way as a parent is in all the shit that goes wrong. You'll figure her out as you go along and she'll keep changing anyway. You need to just dive into life with her and get on with the days where everything isn't quite to plan. And I say that as a parent who has a child who thrives on solid routines. Also, sometimes what you think is working well actually isn't and it's not until you shake things up a bit that you realise there are other ways of doing things.

As for breastfeeding, you need to practice feeding out and about. It will make your life so much easier.

Cognitive behavioural therapy! You will be prioritised on the waiting list due to your DC's age. I used to be like this and after intensive CBT I am so much better. And when I start falling down the 'what if...?' rabbit holes I have tools and can recognise it and put strategies in place to stop it. It's really changed my life, I can't recommend it more highly.