Dislike School run

[Summer1234567]

I hate hate the school run, I got home and cried today which sounds ridiculous, I'm really shy but I've tried really hard to make friends but still nothing I do seems to work. I feel very awkward standing in the playground on my own while all the other mums already have their own friends groups.
We have lots of events on at the school but I don't want to go because I end up standing on my own, I know this sounds silly but it be very upsetting.

I feel I should be making friends and arranging play dates for my kids. I feel I'm letting them down by not being more outgoing. My boys are 5 and 6 and already I cant wait for them to leave school. ☹️

Does anyone have any advice?

How are your children getting on at school? Do they have friends? Are they valued by the teaching staff? Do you feel confidence in and supported by the school? These are the most important things.

Don’t focus on Other School Parents. Focus on creating a varied and active life for your children - both within school and outside; sports, choirs, instrument tuition and playing, sign them up for workshops at local art galleries and museums, Scouts, drama classes, wildlife trips, language lessons - whatever appeals and suits and will help them to thrive. No need to get bogged down with one particular thing when they’re so little - keep trying new activities. The more they do, the more children they’ll come into contact with - meaning you will build even a loose community of like minded parents.

Essentially - the school gate isn’t everything. And if you find yourself standing alone at school events - talk to the teachers, peruse the walls, use the time to your children’s advantage. Just - have other things going on, for yourself and them.

Have they spoke about their friends? Have they been invited to parties?

If so, you're not letting your kids down. They are being included.

Honestly, I understand how you feel. Just remember though that most of the parents that do talk , are only doing so because their kids are friends and acquaintances at best, it can be a bit forced! You are all together because your kids are in the same class, often they are people you wouldn't be friends, or ever associate with normally. I also hate to say it, but to some, the school is literally their life. I think when you have friends outside, work/hobbies etc it doesn't matter as much.

I think it is sometimes down to luck as well, if you connect with the particular parents in your child's class. In my older child's year i'll say hi, or make small talk rarely but I'm usually standing on my own (which I prefer with this lot if I'm honest). I can't be bothered with awkward forced conversation. A lot of them live very close to each other, and their dcs play out together etc. It was such a clannish year group from the beginning. The school had to split the classes up, which is something they don't normally do! The parents would pick and choose which kids went to birthday parties at 5, based on parents and not their dcs; it was awful, and unhealthy.

However now, even the parents that used to talk all of the time look like they can't be bothered to talk, and have irritated each other lately, though! I had pretty much given up, but after 3 years I have ended up talking to acouple, always seen their faces but it just hadn't happened. We had the "why haven't we talked before" moment. I also think they've gotten a bit sick of each other, and haven't been quite as close as they appeared.

The parents in my younger child's year are lovely, and much more on my wavelength. I am lucky that the couple of Mums I instantly connected with at the beginning have dcs that ended up being my dc's best friends. This happened organically. The other parents also are decent, and will all say hi, and include everybody. It is the complete opposite to dc1's year group!

Please be kind to yourself op, I always think if it doesn't happen naturally they're not your tribe! There is still time, and if not don't worry. There will be very few that stay in touch after primary school!

Everything @NOTthisOldchestnut says is true, @Summer1234567.

This is July - if you’re in England (?) they’ll be in new classes come September - and there’s every possibility than even a minimal alteration in the class cohort might change the whole vibe or add a parent or two who are on your wavelength.

Also, if you throw your children into out of school activities, it’s not unlikely that you’ll bump into some school parents and find them more open and friendly in a different context.

Just don’t despair - no condition is permanent.

Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate them.

My kids are happy at school and are being included with parties.

I think you are right with activities away from school. I am going to have a look today and see what's on in our area.

Good luck!

Obviously bringing up small children should be fun for you as well. Fortunately you have almost unlimited options - do new things, meet new people.

I think you’re overthinking the school run. I have plenty of friends who are parents of dc at school. I barely speak to them on the school run. People are in a rush, trying to get places, deal with tired children, etc. It’s not a particularly enjoyable way to socialise. At 5 & 6, it’s also really at the age where parents won’t necessarily come with them for a play date. So by all means, invite friends around, but I wouldn’t expect it to be a great way to meet other parents.

The best way to get to know other parents is at birthday parties. At 5/6 many parents are still staying for parties, but likely won’t after this next year. And by volunteering at school events. Offer to make tea/coffee for the cake sale, set up for the end of year summer fair, whatever.

People at school pick up are mostly just making small talk while they wait. Just passing the time.
Some people have great friends on the school run, but I would guess 75% of the people are just chatting to be polite. You can tell because the minute the kids come out everyone says bye and walks off.
Don’t worry about being shy, you don’t have to chat, but if another person is having a really bad day maybe you saying hello and something about the weather will cheer them up. The weather must be the biggest topic of small talk at pick up.

if you want friends for your kids, then just arrange a play date, it’s no bother and busy parents are usually glad of a bit of free childcare.
if you want friends for yourself that’s a whole other thing.

I find a lot of the parents are already friends from before their children started school and therefore their children are friends with each other. I don't really talk to many unless it is a quick "hello" and I am learning to just accept that they will only be acquaintances and not friends. Probably best to try not to care about it too much.